This isn't the warm and fuzzy 1965 version of the Sound of Music but a bloody-awful parody of it that will make you laugh at just how bad it is! Maria von Trapp is a bloodthirsty vampire. When Maria is kicked out of the Abbey run by Mother Zombie where she’s been residing for the past thousand or so years, she lands a job caretaking the family von Trapp, a rowdy clan in need of some serious discipline… or vampirification. After Maria turns the von Trapp children into children of the night and ma This isn't the warm and fuzzy 1965 version of the Sound of Music but a bloody-awful parody of it that will make you laugh at just how bad it is! Maria von Trapp is a bloodthirsty vampire. When Maria is kicked out of the Abbey run by Mother Zombie where she’s been residing for the past thousand or so years, she lands a job caretaking the family von Trapp, a rowdy clan in need of some serious discipline… or vampirification. After Maria turns the von Trapp children into children of the night and marries the von Trapp patriarch, the family seems destined for eternal (really, really eternal) bliss. But Hitler’s Undeath Squads are on the march, intent on ridding Europe of bloodsuckers. And Maria will have to do everything in her power—supernatural or otherwise —to save her vampire brood. Not everyone likes this book based on some of the reviews; "Goldsher's humor is juvenile and vulgar." "This book has the potential to be recycled as toilet paper." "This one was one of the worst books I have ever read." "Completely... stupid." "It ended up amounting to a badly-written colossal waste of time." "This book sucked!" "This book would only be acceptable at a book burning!" and they are all right but that is what makes this book one of My Favorite Things (Fangs)! Cinnamon said, "We've tried to be friends for realsies, but she's proven to be, well, a problem." Brandi said, "A big problem," Cinnamon said, "You see, Vampire Sister Maria is a bit of a flibbertijibbet." Mother Zombie said, "What in the Devil's name is a flibbertijibbet?" Brandi explained, "A whore." "Ah," Mother Zombie said, "Flibbertijibbet. Whore. Makes sense to me. I'm not sure how Hammerstein would feel about it, but you know, fick him." "I'll answer that with a question, Vampiress: What are your favorite things?" "That's easy: Blood drops on roses and bloody-nosed kittens, and ..." Another raspberry, "Zzzzzzzz! Besides, if the evolution of art means taking a perfectly boring movie musical and turning it into an even more boring book, I'd rather die for good." This book is for mature audiences that have a sense of humor and don't mind sex, swearing, gore and vomit.

 

Review posted on Dark Faerie Tales.My Favorite Fangs is a quirky twist of The Sound of Music, by Alan Goldsher. I was really curious about the story behind the cover, only because The Sound of Music is a childhood staple of mine. The concept of vampire Von Trapps? Count me in!Maria has lived a long life in Austria, living in the Abbey of the Dead, with her fellow sisters. Unfortunately, Mother Zombie (Superior) has had enough of Maria’s crazy quirks and antics and has wanted to banish her from the abbey. Well, I wouldn’t just call them crazy quirks, she is oversexed and clearly does not behave as the other immortals. Mother Zombie has sent out Maria to become a governess. To match Maria’s personality, she will govern the Von Trapp family, who have their own interesting set of personalities.The Von Trapps are wealthy, spoiled, and unruly, and I think those were their best qualities. Things get out of hand and Maria turns one of the Von Trapp children into a vampire, and the fun begins. Lady Barroness makes an appearance, and has quickly become enemies with Maria. Goldsher added a lot of his own individuality into My Favorite Fangs, and this version is definitely for the more adult crowd.Maria the vampire version is a little different from the pop culture Maria that I grew up with. Unfortunately, I was constantly comparing the two. This Maria was blunt and without shame, overly sexed and nothing like a saint. She was witty and someone you do not want to get on their bad side. Her arguments, well that’s a tame word for it, with Lady Baroness was hilarious.I wasn’t connected to a lot of the characters and I felt that I should have been. I didn’t connect to the Baron, first of all. He wasn’t charming or even someone that I would pretend to like. I didn’t understand the attraction that Maria and the Lady Baroness had for him. The children were amusing, but I didn’t care for them as much as I should have. Which is too bad. I felt that they were too spoiled, but I think that was the point.Goldsher definitely put his own spin into this ever so popular culture story. He creates this world that is so different from its former self, yet he makes sure to include the familiar and important pieces. Unfortunately, while some scenes were amazing and exciting, I felt that others were not and fell short. There were scenes that I found myself skimming through. I wasn’t connected to a lot of the characters and I felt that I should have been.Goldsher spared no expense when it came to the dialogue. I felt that Maria and the characters had a more adult vocabulary, and while at times I felt that it was a little too much, other times it was perfect and entertaining. There are so many jokes within the story, many referencing its story counterpart.

Dumb.

This could have been funny, as great as 'A Song of Ice and Fire' can be there is ample fodder in the series and in Martin's writing: his "titillation" scenes, meandering plots stuffed with extraneous detail, stupid fantasy spelling, etc. this should have been a fun and light read that both deflates the series and offers another angle of appreciation. Nothing to see here.

Oh there are jokes, desperately over-thought wordplay of the sub-Mad magazine variety that overshadows the rare clever pieces the stock writer came up with - for example, Daenerys' named 'Lolyta', two for the price of one. If that didn't get you into hysterics, I'm sorry, that's the prose Everest as far as 'Game of Groans' is concerned.

I think its great there's a television show, and even better a well-done one, but this parody focuses on material that is only present/applicable to the HBO version of the series. Who did they think were more likely to read a spoof of a book franchise? But that's not what I disliked about the book, I wouldn't have even minded banality or clumsiness, I've read plenty of tie-in novels and products and taken them as the cheap entertainment they are, but I do want such things to go swiftly.

This book is scanty, but I could hardly get through a page at a time once my initial patience wore thin. Enough is enough, this is awful, you're welcome.

Midnight Movie is a glorious mess. It is the most fun I've had reading a horror novel since the equally gloriously messy DRACULAS. It has also renewed my faith in the idea that a movie director can write a novel that is the equal to his talent in film director.

Of course, some of you snobs may not think that is not so impressive considering the director. Tobe Hooper may not receive the accolades of a Hitchcock or a Cronenberg but he is always imaginative and exuberant even in the least of his films. That comes through in his debut novel where he casts himself in the lead role and presents an intriguing premise. Hooper's first movie, which he made when he was fifteen years old, is debuted at Austin's SXSW festival. The movie is amazingly bad yet Hooper remembers nothing about it. Those who attend the showing are infected with something that causes rampant violence, zombies, and a strange venereal disease that gives a whole new meaning to the term "blueblood".

The first part of the novel deals with the screening. The author is having a lot of fun depicting himself with self-deprecating humor and manages to take a lot of good-natured potshots at Hollywood and his fans. Yet when the after-affects of the screening develops, this is where it gets wonderfully messy. It is almost a kind of everything-but-the-kitchen-sink form of mayhem with plenty of Ewww! moments. The book is presented in a documentary style; half oral history and half epistemological novel, if e-mail and blog posts can be considered epistemological. The violence may be over the top for some, but I doubt if anyone would expect less from the director of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

The last part of the novel deals with how Hooper and his band of Texas and Hollywood misfits discover the cause of the zombie outbreak and how to deal with it. I found the ending a bit disappointing but getting there was so much fun I didn't mind too much. Overall it was a fun exercise in comedic horror but the most memorable thing was discovering that a talented artist like Tobe Hooper isn't afraid to poke a little fun at himself and his craft.

Okay, I'll be honest. I didn't even get halfway through this. I actually started reading it to my cat when she was in hospital for a month, but I couldn't do the accents. From what I have read, I'll say that Beatles trivia geeks would probably really enjoy this book, and at the very least would understand a lot more of the references than I did. The whole zombie mechanics outlined in this book are just absurd and overly complicated, and really don't add to the story. For example, to turn a person into a zombie, there are several methodologies, depending on where you live, some of which involve complicated actions, such as sticking your tongue through the roof of the person's mouth, sucking on a small amount of grey matter, spitting it back in, putting some inside your own ear and standing on your head. Okay that's not exactly accurate, but it's also not far off. I think I'll just call it a night around page 50.