Occupation - lazarusInfinity
"From the days of working hand in hand with former governor Edwin Edwards, the family even had ties with the infamous 'Godfather of New Orleans' in Carlos Marcello."
Even at eight percent in, I could tell this would be a winner in my shitty writing month. Really, in is unnecessary: 'Godfather of New Orleans', Carlos Marcello would make more sense.
"'Got these gays running around screaming for their rights, destroying the very fabric of Americana, soiling the population with their degenerate indecency and disease...and that's why we have this 'problem' now.'"
"His long dreadlocks pulled back revealed quite a deceptive face; one that could show tremendous warmth and humor one minute followed by intense fury and vengeance the next."
I don't understand how this makes his face deceptive. Expressive, yes, but does that make him deceptive if he feels warm and fuzzy one minute, and intensely furious the next?
"Military and media proscenia abound, many wondered if nNew Orleans would actually survive the madness."
Yeah, this about sums up the whole book.
"...the car was a thing of beauty. Sleek. Swift. Badass."
It's a fucking MINI Cooper.
Metallicar is way more sleek, and badass.
"Standing in the doorway, the 'woman's' could tattered clothing smear with blood was enough to make one wretch."
I suppose she could be classified as a wretch at this point. Retch is a different thing, though.
"The closer they got to the top; they could hear random movement about from inside."
I just have no words.
"The man inched closer, his eyes glowing with rage as he snarled towards them."
I don't know what snarling looks like. Is that like stalking towards someone? Stomping? So may better s words to indicate movement. Even angry movement.
"In a flash, he mounted the woman and bashed what was left of her face in, leaving a gruesome pool of blood and brain on the carpet."
Bloodiest sex scene ever? Perhaps another word - one not used for fucking someone - should have been used in place of 'mounting'.
"An admirable man, one of those few old school types left in the neighborhood that was also a remarkable musician."
This is just poorly phrased. 'An admirable man, a remarkable musical, and one of the few old school types left in the neighborhood.' Slight difference, but it doesn't makes this flow much, much better.
"Quickly met with a middle finger, Caroling wasted no time in greeting Barabbas with a passionate kiss."
Yeah, the syntax in this whole book is funky.
"Caroline was usually the epitome of calm, cool and collected."
You don't have to define calm, after telling us she's calm.
"Caroline thanked the old man with her usual kiss on the cheek, to which he was clearly a sucker for."
Call an editor. Stat.
The fact that they conflate these two, and coming from Caroline, who has a medical background, is just annoying all all hell.
"The familiar whir or police cars, military and fire trucks buzzed through the city."
I'm not sure I'd use whir or buzz for these cars, particularly since they have sirens that they could be using at this point, but if I did? I'd stick to one. A whir and a buzz are quite different sounds, so which is it?
"Donning his prized Drew Brees jersey complete with fingerless driving gloves and eye black, he pulled forward a shotgun mounted on the wall and loaded it."
'Donning his prized Drew Brees jersey, he completed the look with fingerless driving gloves and eye black, before pulling a shotgun off the mount on the wall and loaded it.'
Again, I used almost the exact same sentence structure and wording, but changed a couple things to make it cleaner.
"...far more deadlier..."
Redundancy is redundant.
"'We need to keep as many of them out of this neighborhood.'"
I love that this sentence just doesn't end.
"His one true love that set his heart aflame amongst the stars of Heaven would be patiently waiting for him..."
See, she just died. So what he means is that she'd be waiting for him in Heaven. Instead, it sounds like she set his heart aflame when they had both visited the start of Heaven before.
Fail, book, fail.