THIS BOOK WAS HILARIOUS!!!
I was torn between a 1 star review, and a 5 star review. If this book was meant to be as it read, a parody, honestly only the sky would be the limit.
But alas it wasn't and therefore, you got served! :D
Let's start with Lexi shall we? She is a social care worker, and that seems to be a superpower, because it is enough to portray her amazing selflessness, and allows her to jump to some pretty awesome conclusions in life. Like this:
“George, my bipolar neighbor, would never lay a hand on me. The guy loves me! Being a caseworker, the first time we spoke, I picked up on his behavior right away.”
Poor George....and what else???
“I have told George that I worked with a lot of people who suffered mental illness, and if he felt a panic attack coming on that I would be there for him....” ain't she a saint? Awwww, and so completely clueless about bipolarity for someone who works with mental illness.
But hold your horses folks! The show isn't over yet! She gets attacked by a would-be rapist in front of her house, and saved by her stalker. Her caseworker superpowers obviously stretch further to give her superhuman hearing as this occurs: “Eventually, I hear soft pings hit the ground and realize my attacker has lost some teeth."
You gotta admit, that's something else right there.
Does she call the police? You know - as a social worker, who deals with victims on a daily basis, as well as mental illness of course, she knows how important it is to have someone like that off the streets. Nope. Her savior and stalker says “It's taken care off” and she shrugs.
Her stalker is a man by the name of Twitch, colored pretty with an array of gang tatts, and wears a signature black hoodie, whilst engaging in some light afternoon stalking. And yet again, here we see the evidence of the awesome reasoning superpowers of being a caseworker.
“I always see him on the street, wearing the same clothes. My caseworker brain automatically assumes he's homeless.” -seems legit.
“I know that everyone is different (you don't say), but what I am sure about Twitch is that he's a sociopath.” - I agree, especially taking in account one of characteristics of sociopathic behavior being unable to empathize with the pain of others. Such as he didn't, when he saved her ass from getting raped and all that jazz.
Conclusion...she's real smart and stuff.
In the aftermath of her attack she's left to deal with being “Blue, a little like a two dollar ho, and still shaken from last night's attack.” -understandable, I guess. So she cheers herself up by singing Ginuwine's hit track Pony. You know it?
If your horny, Let's do it
Ride it, My Pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it …. yup trauma does weird shit to people.
Anyhoo – the sociopath homeless stalker keeps breaking into her apartment to pant at her neck like a mastiff while she sleeps, and the inevitable sex scene happens. Now I've heard of tantric sex, but this is impressive on a whole new level, as it helps her deal with herself and the world around her.
“..he pushes the tip of his thumb into my back entrance...and I know what this is. This is Twitch asserting his role.” LMFAO ass-erting, oh dear god, couldn't make this shit up even if I tried.
Apparently for reaching the inner equilibrium in one's life, you require nothing but a finger up your ass. Quick, somebody call the monks! They've been doing it wrong all these years!!!
Did I mention his pierced cock?
That does things to her like: “...having my G-spot tickled...” - oh,for the love of all things holey. I mean I can relate to that, witch girl doesn't like to have her G-spot tickled? And of course, never being the one to shy away from using her caseworker deduction techniques, Lexi chooses to add to her description of Twitch as being so much more then a homeless sociopath as she provides us with a deeper insight behind the chosen ornamentation of his phallus.“I think it takes a selfless man to pierce his cock just for the pleasure of women" - Just how deep is that? Ghandi, pack your shit, and get the hell out, we got a new player in town. “He rocks into me, and the connection – the closeness – feels almost intimate.” -strange how having sex would do that, really.
Then there is the very different orgasm: “...he thrusts so hard, so deeply into me, that it feels like I am bouncing on a trampoline.”
Alrighty then. Guess she did get to ride the Pony after all.
After the sex that is clearly transcends this plane of existence, we have Lexi struggling to find out just who Twitch really is. Even when he introduces himself as a co-owner of a multimillion plastics factory, she doesn't get it. She's been to his office, and didn't get it. She didn't use her mad caseworker skills to I dunno....google it. She would have us think that he is using his gangsta self, with his gangsta tattoos, to sell Tupperware in some back alley, surrounded by his homies. I know..thug life be hard, y'all.
If I listed every single nugget that made me crack up reading this, I would soon run out of internet. Still tho i want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everybody who has taken the time to recommend this unique masterpiece to me. I can't remember the last time i have laughed so hard while reading a book. xD