I am thankful for my ability to read, even though I have a really hard time focusing a lot. There are some who can not read at all, for various reasons. I also can't wrap my head around those who dislike reading. It is traveling, being someone else, having adventures, living many lives and experiencing different ways of living different from your own. What are you thankful for?
I've talked about it on my Facebook, on my Youtube channel and even here:
Depression, social anxiety, chronic pain, possible autism, among other "glitches" la di da, di da... I want to remember what I am thankful for on a day to day basis, despite the bad. We all need to remember what we're thankful for; who knows it might brighten your day a little.
There are days where I just don't know why I am here. Like, what is the point? I do think about death, wish it at times. I honestly believe people would be better off without me. I have these feelings and worse during my darkest hours.
I feel stuck. I can't see a future because sometimes I doubt I will be able to have one other than what I have now. Stuck. Useless. A burden. A no good person who is lazy and doesn't work. I think those things, but does my husband think that? Does my mom? Anyone in my family? My husband says he doesn't think that and he never resents having to "take care of me" because he knows and understands why I am this way. I honestly can't understand how he couldn't resent me or think of me as a burden.
That all aside...
I do have "good" days, or moments of happiness during a day I'm feeling crappy. However, I second guess myself: Is this "happy?" Am I happy right now? I can't understand my own feelings because I'm so used to being "under the weather." Under the weather? That is kind of how I might put it if someone asks how I am. People get tired of hearing the same old "Belly-aching" and some people still don't believe depression & anxiety are a real and serious condition.
My normal response.
"I'm fine, just a bit under the weather."
"How have you been?"
"Oh good. Okay. I'm Alive. Not much to complain about."
My answers are usually very vague.
Another thing I just want to add on. Personal boundaries... You might be a good friend, or a family member. I could know you well, or not well at all (despite being family even). We might bump into each other somewhere. It is nice to see you, but small talk really freaks me out, gives me anxiety. Please don't think badly of me if I act weird or seem rude. 9 times out of 10 I do not want to hug you, unless we're super close. You should know if we are. I just don't like it. It's uncomfortable. It is nothing personal. You might not understand it, but sometimes it physically hurts.
Even my husband knows; no light touches. It's uncomfortable and even hurts in certain places. If you want to rub my arm or back, firmly, no spiderweb-like caresses.
I don't know what this post is... just word vomit, I guess.
Remember to find something to be thankful for every day, even if it is a small thing.
Photo Credit: Mine. I found a diary from when I was 12. When I thought I was Harriet the Spy. Thanks to this book and the movie that followed. I have dyslexia. My hand writing is/was horrible and my spelling/grammar was worse. I feel like it is better these days, but not all the time.
There is a section on New York Public Library's website where librarians recommend some of their favorite books. I have been known to trawl through looking for ideas about what to read next (because I'm clearly lacking in books lol) and that's where I came across Close Enough to Touch by Colleen Oakley. Our main character, Jubilee Jenkins, is a small-town librarian with a big secret...she's allergic to human touch. And I do mean deathly allergic. Let me back up a bit because the book doesn't open with her working in the library and fretting about whether or not anyone has figured out she can't touch them. Instead we meet Jubilee in her home where she has been sequestered away for several years after a bad allergy attack which nearly killed her. She decides the best way to keep herself safe is to not come into any kind of contact with the outside world which of course results in her becoming absolutely petrified to leave her house for any reason. (She even comes up with a system for getting her trash to the curb without going outside.) I had originally been intrigued by this book because it gave me slight Midnight at the Bright Ideas Bookstore vibes but once I got into it I realized that the main difference here is that she's not trying to solve a mystery. Jubilee just wants to live.
This book's narrative could have been tightened up extensively. There's the exploration of mental illness but there's also a burgeoning romance. AND there was a second subplot involving her romantic interest and his relationship with his adopted son. I think by splitting the focus, none of these were explored satisfactorily. The ending was somewhat confusing and left me disappointed that I had spent the time reading the book at all. And honestly I didn't care for Jubilee. She was extremely wishy-washy and many times I found myself frustrated with her. The initial concept was interesting but the execution and the muddied plot turned this into a low rated read for me: 4/10.
Check out the different interpretations of the story via the book cover:
|Source: The eBook Hunter|
|Source: Simon & Schuster|
What's Up Next: Deep Dark Fears & The Creeps by Fran Krause
What I'm Currently Reading: Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman
Books are my escapism. I love them. They are life. Except...
I've been currently reading the same book for what feels like ages, well for the whole of December, so really only a couple weeks. It isn't as if I don't like the book. I have no idea why I procrastinate something I love so much! I go through spurts of reading 20+ books in a month, and then reading like 2 and sometimes nothing at all!
I recently found out some of my "quirks" come down to autism. Shocker. 33 and I'm only now finding out who I really am, or at least understanding more why I do things the way I do them. The more correct term would be ASD or Asperger Syndrome Disorder.
People can call me a special snowflake all they want. I finally have a term, or label (if you will) that helps me understand my head a little better. I did not get it officially told to me by a doctor, either.
First I got advice from a friend who has it and she gently told me to look more into it, because apparently aspies are really good at recognizing each other. What she did not know was that I had already been wondering about it and when she gave me this long message talking about her experiences and relating them to what she has seen me do, I just couldn't control the melt down I had while reading it.
Like I feel ashamed and broken, but rationally, I know there is nothing to be ashamed of and I'm not broken. It is just another part of me. One that 90% of people won't take seriously because I'm a grown woman, and I didn't get a "Doctor's Note."
This hardly has anything to do with books. I was wondering if non bookish blogs are fine, considering this blog site is called "booklikes"
Anyone else share non bookish stuff? Is that frowned on here? I sometimes have things I want to blurt to people and nobody to blurt them to.
Oh, I wanted to share my current saving grace is the La La Land soundtrack. I put that music on full blast when I am having "moments" where I want to ignore the world. Go see the movie and make the music your life!! All music is my saving grace, but I really love this soundtrack. I'm really into the music I grew up with, the 90s/early 00s, plus a few more modern things. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that some people are calling the 90s the oldies now.
I hope everyone is having a great holiday season!