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text 2021-11-23 03:59
Why are you Pushing People Away and How to Stop?

 

Have you ever experienced a situation where you think you are growing closer to your partner, before suddenly acting in what seems calculated ways to push them away? There is a greater emotional and physical distance between you, less interest in each other’s needs, tense communication and sometimes even unkind words. 

There is a lot of hurt and confusion that can come in this sort of relationship dynamic, especially when one side deems it to be progressing nicely. If you feel like you are shutting down when a relationship builds up to a more serious phase, you should know that change is possible. However, it is important to consider the reasons why it happens before anything else: 

  • Fear of intimacy – pushing people away is one of the ways of avoiding intimacy. This is a common mechanism of defence for people who have the fear of being hurt in a relationship. If you have a past relationship that hurt you, the consequences can manifest in many ways, among which worries about repeat rejection in the same manner. Your subconscious might hide such fears, even if you think you have healed. They will come over in the form of an instinct to protect yourself from rejection. And even if the actions happen on a more unconscious level, the result is the same – you drive your partner away, for the sake of self-preservation and avoiding intimacy. 

  • Attachment problems – attachment style of avoidance can also play a role in pushing people away. This theory has to do with one’s early years of life. If your primary caregiver/parent was not emotionally close during your childhood, you may acquire an avoidant attachment style. This is characterized by suppressed needs for intimacy and closeness, as you have learned to be self-sufficient from a young age. You cannot stand when a relationship gets too intense. 

  • Low self-confidence and self-esteem – people who are not confident in themselves and struggle with low self-esteem are also prone to pushing others away. Perhaps you think that you will let them down, or that they don’t like you that much, or that they will leave you for someone better later on. You think yourself not good enough for them and so you push them away instead of working on a relationship. Many people who have bigger issues with self-confidence think that they don’t even deserve a healthy relationship, even though that is never true. 

  • Trust issues – if you have been betrayed in a previous relationship, it is common that you will have trust issues. If someone cheated on you, you may have a hard time repairing your broken trust. This can cause a lot of bumps down the road of any relationship, in which partners don’t invest extra efforts to convince each other of their true feelings and intentions. 

So how do you change all that and let people in your life? 

  • Start slow – if you wish to build a close relationship, you should never rush things. Evaluate the real issues stopping you from achieving that and work on them with your partner. 

  • Talk about it all – good communication is the most important pillar of any relationship. And while it may seem scary discussing such problems with your partner, it is the only way to make progress with your relationship with them. 

  • It is a balancing act – if you are too eager to prevent the impulse of pushing others away, you could end up in the other extreme of becoming too needy and not respecting your partner’s boundaries. You have to strive for balance and interdependence – to support each other, without depending on them entirely. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

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text 2021-09-23 03:21
What is the Difference Between Dating and Seeing Someone?

 

 

Many people grow confused over the state of their relationships nowadays. And it is not necessarily anything to do with their partner, but rather with the relationship itself and its nature. It is important to be able to understand the level of standards that the other holds the relationship to, or else there is a lot of confusion and stress. And while someone may think that seeing someone is equal to being in a relationship with them, there are many differences between them, which determine a lot about what the two people are having together. In this guide, we will go over the major aspects of the two and see where the differences lie. 

What is dating? 

Dating is the activity that a couple undertake together, during which they discuss the future of their relationship. This is usually the case after both partners have known each other for some time and have decided to work on their relationship more. And when both partners enjoy the company of the other and feel comfortable with them, they will enter the dating stage. That is when they will invest time and effort to learn more about the other and work on moving their relationship forward to living together, potentially marriage and having children. To that end, dating can also be seen as a trial period, which has the goal of testing the relationship that two people have. If there are any issues to one or both sides, they will become evident and the relationship may be terminated. 

What is seeing someone? 

In essence, seeing someone can be defined as a very early stage of a relationship, where partners are making their first steps towards one another. The relationship is not yet defined, as both partners have met recently and they are going out on dates to learn more about each other. Sometimes, one partner may have romantic intentions, but the other one lacking such. In this case, dating is very casual, without building any serious intention. One thing that defines this stage is the lack of commitment. Both partners may wish to invest some time to see each other, but they are not yet undertaking the more serious conversation that encompasses a relationship. The meetings between both partners may be inconsistent. But if things pick up, seeing each other can quickly grow into a relationship. 

Major differences between seeing each other and being in a relationship

  • The stage of the relationship – when two people are seeing each other, they are in a very early stage of a relationship. When they are dating, it is essentially the penultimate step to something more. 

  • The intensity of the relationship – seeing each other lacks intensity, whereas dating is much more intense. 

  • Topics of discussion – seeing someone means talking about casual topics and a lot of small talks. Later on, dating grows into more serious topics and getting to know each other via communication.

  • Knowing each other – two people are considered to be dating when they have invested time in getting to know each other well. Seeing someone can happen very early after being introduced to them, without knowing much about them. 

  • The levels of intimacy – seeing someone is not characterized by extreme intimacy, whereas in dating, both partners seek and work on intimacy together. 

Knowing the difference between dating and seeing someone is important for everyone looking to invest time and effort into a partner. It means knowing which part of the relationship they are in so that they can set the right expectations. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

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text 2021-07-28 06:22
6 Helpful Tips for People Dating in their 50s

 

 

If you are among the people who believe that it is never too late to date another person again, then you are in luck. The reality of things is that even people in their 50s can find pleasure in seeing other people again. There is much less drama going on in their lives, and they have their priorities straight. There is no need to feel any intimidation or stress when it comes to dating at a later age because it is fully possible to do it in a way that nets you that special someone. Here are a few useful tips in that regard: 

  • Try a dating site – you may feel reluctant to give online dating a go, but it is one of the most easily accessible ways to meet new people. It is especially helpful for people in their 50s since it links mature men and women together without them investing all that much effort. You can easily get a tailored service at one of the websites that offer such. You can discreetly browse the profiles of other people looking to date in their 50s and connect to them with the click of a button. 

  • Adopt a hobby – taking up a new activity in your 50s may not be your goal, but you should do it. Not only can learning new skills boost your wellbeing, but also save you from some mental illnesses later in life. It is also great from a dating perspective because it gives you yet another chance to connect to people in a fun and relaxed environment. Some of the common hobbies that people in their 50s are particularly likely to enjoy include cooking classes, choirs, book groups or learning a new language/instrument. Picking up a new activity with a social aspect is a sure win! 

  • Open up to friends and family – people in their 50s often feel more self-conscious when it comes to dating. In that situation, it is important to have the good support of friends and family members, who can encourage the pursuit of a new romantic relationship. For people who have children, it is important, to be honest about the big things happening in one’s life. 

  • Physical exercise – one more tip for the over-50s dating is to physical exercise. There are many activities that people at that age can do, such as swimming, yoga, walking. Exercising is well-known to boost confidence, as well as energy and wellbeing. It can help with any insecurities that an individual in their 50s may have. It is also good for boosting sexual performance. Activity clubs and exercise classes are also a great way to meet new people and one more opportunity to meet a like-minded person. 

  • Going on a solo holiday – being in your 50s comes with certain benefits, such as having freedom and financial independence. You can always try having an adventure and going for a solo holiday. You can plan what you want to see, move at your own pace and make connections with people you wouldn’t otherwise when travelling with others. A lot of travel operators even offer trips for people in their 50s, which guarantee you will travel with people your age. 

  • Learn to say ‘yes’ – being more adventurous is what dating in one’s 50s is all about. Breaking out of the daily routines established by that age can be very difficult to do. However, embarking on a new relationship demands changes. Going with the flow and saying ‘yes’ ensures new opportunities that would otherwise be more difficult to achieve. 

Dating in your 50s is not all that impossible, as long as you adopt these clever tips and set your mind to it. 


© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

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text 2021-04-27 18:31
5 Signs you are Ready to Start Dating After a Breakup

 

Breakups are never easy. If you have found yourself in this sort of situation, you know it can be tough to process and think about all of the overwhelming emotions you are experiencing. One thing that is very tough to figure out is when to start dating again. Some say you should get back to it immediately, to keep your mind off the negative emotions associated with the breakup. Others say it takes time before you are ready again. 

The truth is there is no universal answer. The most important thing is how you feel about it and how well you are taking the breakup. If it has been a long relationship, you will need more time to heal your wounds and focus more on yourself. But there are some signs to look out for, which indicate you might be ready to date again. Here are a few of them: 

  • You know you have learned a lot about yourself – there is no timeline to healing from a breakup and moving on. The most important thing is to know you have worked through the situation and have put your feelings in check. That is when you will know you have grown from this experience and learned your lessons. This is what will help you move on into a new relationship. 

  • You are ready to be a better partner – if you cannot leave the past behind, you cannot be a good partner. And that is something you just know. There are things like forgiving yourself for not choosing a good enough match and forgiving the other person for the disappointment that will make you a better partner. Letting go of all the doubts, resentment and anger is what will make you better suited for someone else. 

  • You are happy with yourself being alone – often times people spread the stereotype that being in a relationship is good, and being alone is bad. But that is false. You can be perfectly happy with yourself, and having time to breathe, which is especially good after a tough breakup. When you are fine with doing new hobbies, seeing friends, working on your career and finding fulfilment outside of being with a partner, that is when you know you are ready to have a new relationship. At this point, it should feel like a bonus, not a must. 

  • You are beyond wanting your ex back – missing your ex after the breakup is normal. There is even going to be a period during which you will happily get back together. If you think that you two doing just that is a good idea, then you are not ready to start dating. When you get to a stage where old memories aren’t leading to ideas of connecting with them again, you will know you can start dating. 

  • You are ready to start building a new future – if you are ready to start making plans about the future, then that is another sign of you being ready to date again. This is the case when you have made plans with your old partner; plans that are obviously now not going to happen. At first, it may seem like the future is not clear, but once you no longer see things that way, you will be ready to date again. Struggling to accept the way things have changed is normal, but you will get over it, eventually. 

There is no doubt that when these signs are present, you will be able to better tell it is time to start dating again. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach



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text 2020-09-24 13:19
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