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review 2018-03-19 04:01
Carry the Ocean (The Roosevelt #1) (Audiobook)
Carry the Ocean - Heidi Cullinan

This was amazing and I'm kicking myself for taking so long to get to it. Except by waiting, I got to listen to Iggy Toma's brilliant narration which made the book that much more special. He really studied and got lots of advice from people with autism on how to portray Emmitt and it really shows. He voices Emmitt and Jeremey perfectly. Toma and Cullinan are proving to be a match made in audiobook heaven.


Emmitt has autism and Jeremy has major depressive disorder with extreme anxiety disorder. This isn't a book about "love cures all" because there are no cures. Instead, this is a book that respects both the struggles and the accomplishments of these two amazing young men, and how they have learned to manage the world around them and navigate a new relationship with each other at the same time. They're oddly perfect for each other, because Emmitt is calm and controlled when Jeremey is not, and Jeremey can understand the emotions that Emmitt has a hard time expressing. But their disabilities can also aggravate each other as well, so they have to learn how to talk to each other and when to give each other space. 


I really liked Emmitt's family. His parents and aunt were a great support system for Emmitt and later for Jeremey. Jeremey's family were not understanding about his issues at all, but they're allowed their time to be humanized as well. They're not bad parents because they don't love their son. It's clear they want the best for him. But they're misinformed, sometimes purposely so, but there's more to it than just that.


Then there's Derek, who we meet later in the book and really shines instantly as a great friend to Jeremey, even if he's something of a foil for Emmitt, at least at first. 


I can tell that an amazing amount of research went into this book, and I'm looking forward to the next one.

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text 2018-03-12 09:50
It's okay to cry [3/12/18]

I am just so weepy recently.


Everything gets to me. I am thankful today that I am able to be emotional. It just proves that I am human and no matter what I go through, I am still alive. So in saying that, I am also thankful I am alive. In my darkest moment, I think I don't want to be alive, but I know that is my demon depression talking.

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text 2018-03-08 13:18
Today I'm Thankful... [March 8 2018]

Today I am thankful that I got a good nights sleep and woke up in the morning, rather than being awake all night and sleeping all day.





My sleeping schedule is never "normal" and it is always different, so it is nice to wake up every now and again and feel actually awake, instead of wanting to go back to bed all day. Depression and various other things causes my sleep to be all over the place. I am also naturally a night owl. I just love being up at night.


What are you thankful for today?


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text 2018-03-07 20:03
I'm Thankful for... [March 7 2018]

I am thankful for my ability to read, even though I have a really hard time focusing a lot. There are some who can not read at all, for various reasons. I also can't wrap my head around those who dislike reading. It is traveling, being someone else, having adventures, living many lives and experiencing different ways of living different from your own. What are you thankful for?


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I've talked about it on my Facebook, on my Youtube channel and even here:

Depression, social anxiety, chronic pain, possible autism, among other "glitches" la di da, di da... I want to remember what I am thankful for on a day to day basis, despite the bad. We all need to remember what we're thankful for; who knows it might brighten your day a little.


There are days where I just don't know why I am here. Like, what is the point? I do think about death, wish it at times. I honestly believe people would be better off without me. I have these feelings and worse during my darkest hours.


I feel stuck. I can't see a future because sometimes I doubt I will be able to have one other than what I have now. Stuck. Useless. A burden. A no good person who is lazy and doesn't work. I think those things, but does my husband think that? Does my mom? Anyone in my family? My husband says he doesn't think that and he never resents having to "take care of me" because he knows and understands why I am this way. I honestly can't understand how he couldn't resent me or think of me as a burden.


That all aside...


I do have "good" days, or moments of happiness during a day I'm feeling crappy. However, I second guess myself: Is this "happy?" Am I happy right now? I can't understand my own feelings because I'm so used to being "under the weather." Under the weather? That is kind of how I might put it if someone asks how I am. People get tired of hearing the same old "Belly-aching" and some people still don't believe depression & anxiety are a real and serious condition.


My normal response.


"I'm fine, just a bit under the weather."


"How have you been?"


"Oh good. Okay. I'm Alive. Not much to complain about."


My answers are usually very vague.


Another thing I just want to add on. Personal boundaries... You might be a good friend, or a family member. I could know you well, or not well at all (despite being family even). We might bump into each other somewhere. It is nice to see you, but small talk really freaks me out, gives me anxiety. Please don't think badly of me if I act weird or seem rude. 9 times out of 10 I do not want to hug you, unless we're super close. You should know if we are. I just don't like it. It's uncomfortable. It is nothing personal. You might not understand it, but sometimes it physically hurts.


Even my husband knows; no light touches. It's uncomfortable and even hurts in certain places. If you want to rub my arm or back, firmly, no spiderweb-like caresses.


I don't know what this post is... just word vomit, I guess.


Remember to find something to be thankful for every day, even if it is a small thing.


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Photo Credit: Mine. I found a diary from when I was 12. When I thought I was Harriet the Spy. Thanks to this book and the movie that followed. I have dyslexia. My hand writing is/was horrible and my spelling/grammar was worse. I feel like it is better these days, but not all the time.

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text 2018-02-05 21:10
Reading progress update: I've listened 270 out of 320 minutes.
Cheer Up Love: Adventures in depression with the Crab of Hate - Susan Calman

This book is a kind of autobiography/self-help guide to dealing with depression, or the crab-of-hate as Susan calls it. It's written and narrated by Susan Calman, a Scottish comedienne, who I've recently started to like. She tells her story in a conversational style, covering all sorts of topics like fashion, therapy, social media etc and how she navigates these in consideration of her depression. As she's a comedienne it'd be a bit strange if it wasn't funny, which of course it is. She's funny and brutally honest about her experiences and I'm laughing while at the same time shaking my head furiously because I can identify with so much. If you're looking for a book which gives an honest account of depression, this wouldn't be a bad place to start.

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