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review 2015-03-25 18:50

Film Review:  Home Movie 2008

 

A family moves into a large house, with lots of nooks and crannies (all the better to hide yourselves later), way out in the woods with nothing to see for miles but trees. I was excited and my hopes were high this wouldn’t be a dud.

 

Dad records every living moment of their lives on a too often shaky held hand-cam. He is a Pastor who apparently has nothing better to do with his time. But I sure as hell have better things to do than watch his boring little vignettes where he’s usually the star,awkwardly hamming it up for the camera, acting the fool, as the kids look completely uninterested and DO NOT UTTER A WORD (because that’s not weird at all). This worked for a little while, he is Adrian Pasdar of Near Dark fame (Heroes doesn't count), after all, and damn that man has aged well, but even I need more than a pretty face to keep watching.  Eventually you come to the realization that there is something off about these kids when the son beans dad hard in the head with a rock while playing a friendly game of catch in the backyard. That’s not normal. Let’s just “punish” him by doing absolutely nothing. Before long they are doing much more ominous things than a little attempted braining of goofy dad. These things usually involve animals (wish I’d know that little detail beforehand) . These “things” that they’re doing would have any sane, caring parent seeking outside help for their children.

 

Not these two fools. They parent by sweeping all of these bad things under the rug and going on with their day.

 

And, get this, the wife is a child psychiatrist of all things!

 

 

Well, she decides to diagnose them, study them and even medicate them.

 

This, of course, is a terrible idea. Turns out she is quite possibly the world’s worst child psychiatrist ever to breathe air.

 

She and Adrian realize the error of their ways far too late and make so many TSTL moves in the final scenes that they deserved every terrible thing their little kiddies decided to dish out to them. I only wish it had happened sooner because I ran out of fucks to give far before the movie ended.

 

 

The reviews on this tell me how creepy and unsettling it is but I just wasn’t feeling it. Most of the acting felt forced and unnatural. But on the positive side Adrian Pasdar still looks good so I'll give it two stars instead of one.

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review 2015-02-26 19:15

DVD Review of The Lost

 

I haven’t yet read the Ketchum novel this movie is based upon called The Lost. I’m not so sure I want to now . . . 

 

Teen Ray Pye and his two friends are hanging out in the woods when Pye nearly collides with a naked beauty coming out of the outhouse.  He gets all hyper and worked up and spies on her. After seeing her share a tender moment with another naked beauty, he decides it’s his duty to shoot them dead because them “lezzies” don’t deserve to breathe the same air as him, I guess. I’m also guessing he’s a bit sexually messed up. Wouldn’t most guys at least snoop around to watch?! Not this one . . .

 

Fast forward 4 years. Pye is a little older, crazier and still a big offender of the guy liner. He somehow managed to get away with murder but the officer on the case knows Pye did it and is keeping an eye on him.

 

I don’t understand how four years managed to pass without Pye getting the desire to kill again, seeing just how impulsive he was with the first murder spree.  But you just gotta go with the flow. So, as what seems like hours of my life pass me by, I’m forced to view Pye manipulate his pals, trash a house, hump any breathing woman who looks his way (and for some bizarre reason, many of them do - the pickin’s must’ve been slim in that town), put drugs up his powdered nose, hang out at an amusement park (I kid you not, wish I were but ‘tis true) and generally act like a nasty little spoiled boy-man. There are also some side plots with a retired officer and his May-December relationship with a teen, etc and so on. It’s all pretty boring, if you ask me. This movie is too long. Most of the entire middle could’ve been cut and I wouldn’t have missed it.

 

After an eternity passes and my hair turns gray, things finally pick up AT THE VERY END. Pye, you see, has fallen in love with a bad girl and suddenly he feels like all of his “girls” have turned against him and exacts his revenge in a nasty bit of work at the end. The actor who plays Pye really hams it up here and it amused me. He’s spastic, rage-filled and yes, almost terrifying when he lets his inner demon out.  

 

In the end, it’s an uneven film filled with shocks and tension only at the very beginning and the very end. But the middle. Ugh, the saggy middle. It’s bloated with a whole lot of nothing. It’s basically one long series of “a day in the life of an overly made-up, whiny, boring man-child who flies into fits of rage whenever life doesn’t go his way”. Boo hoo, baby boy. Life stinks, wash your face and get over it. 

 

If this sounds like fun to you, give it a go. This one wasn’t for me.

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review 2014-03-31 16:25

The Chernobyl Diaries

 

I know I said I was going to read more but I just didn't feel like it. Instead I watched this.

 

I heard not so good things about this film but being the stubborn chick that I am I wasted an hour and 20 minutes of my life zoned out in front of this film yesterday anyway. Those negative reviewers might all be wrong for once. Hey, it's happened before. Besides It was raining and I had laundry to fold. Don't judge.

 

Anyway, listen to the reviews. The bad reviews, that is. 

 

It starts out when a trio of impossibly beautiful American's head to the Ukraine to visit the brother of the pretty boy in the group. This brother who is a devil-may-care type, it is assumed because he refuses to tell his dad if and when he'll return to the US (why? because he's an asshole? I don't know because it's not expanded on), decides to forgo the tourist traps and take them on a real adventure to visit the abandoned town of Pripyat. The folks who used to live there had to abandon everything when there was a terrible nuclear disaster at the nearby Chernobyl site. The "tour guide", a sketchy sort who takes them on a two hour road trip in a beat up old van, says the people had five minutes to leave because of the high levels or radiation but now it's safe to visit as long as you don't stay long.  Hmmm, that doesn't sound like a good idea to me but i can understand why the young and naive would do something stupid like this. I once went on island tour while in Aruba in a jeep driven by a local tour guide and it scared the crap out of me. I felt trapped and at his mercy as he drove like a lunatic the entire time. We do dumb stuff when we're young. I get it. 

 

Unfortunately, nothing much of anything truly worthy of excitement happens. They poke around, take some pretty pictures of each other and then stumble across a

giant bear!

(spoiler show)

 

They flee in terror and run screaming back to the van (okay, I'll admit I probably would've done the same too!) and then all sorts of predictable horror stuff happens but if you're faint of heart there's absolutely no need to worry. I's all so dark you can barely see it. Sadly, I tired of the pretty faces and perfectly big breasts about 30 minutes in because the characters turned out to be beautiful and blandly nice. It probably would've been better if they were all jerks. The movie needed some sarcasm and some gore THAT i COULD SEE. Everything scary and gory is hidden in an annoying cloak of darkness. This didn't add tension to the film. It just annoyed the crap out of me and had me squinting at the screen, hoping to see something, anything, that would make me pee my pants. Nope. Didn't happen. It could've been fantastic but it just wasn't.

 

Ah well, I finished the laundry so it wasn't a total waste. I give it a 1 1/2 because that

friggin

bear

(spoiler show)

 did give me a little fright.

 

 

 

 

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