7%:

It is only a matter of time before people are not allowed to question their technology, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Locations 57-58). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition.

Can that time be now, please?

8%:

President Osama

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 61). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition.

I know someone who calls President Obama 'Osama'.   And also Hilary Clinton Hitlery.   (He's Jewish, too, so make what you will of that.   He just really, really hates democrats, particularly democrats who are running for office, or in office.)

So, no, I don't buy that this isn't a dig at Obama.   I've seen this one person say that too many times for me to actually buy that you aren't referring to Obama.  

9%:

DLSM follows the trajectory of a self-made billionaire who was the first to commercialise sexbots for men on an international scale.

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Locations 67-68). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition.

So, first of all, this book is short enough that do you really need to synopsize the stories? Second off, female sexbots?   Oh, yeah, that never gets objectifying because it's always written with a depth that truly allows you to explore the morals of this situation.   /sarcasm

I expect this to simply fetishize as these stories really skew towards that.

18%: Chicken Little Remix could have done something.   Foxy Loxy Network is anti-Global Warming, and Chicken Little believes in it and wants to tell the president to do something about it.   

The point it made at the end was so sudden and blunt, I found myself a little shocked that it had already ended, and quite disappointed.   This was artless.   I don't hold up much hope for the rest of this book. 

23%: 

Artificial Intelligence dominates the world now.

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 184). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition.

And you have my full interest once again. 

25%: That Last American showed more promise, but it was, again, rather clumsy in the approach: the rhyming, the poem, didn't feel quite natural. 

28%: 

She ate into her toast

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 231). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition.

She started eating her toast, perhaps.   This needs an editor, or a proofreader.  One quick look through.   It's the same issue as the title: it's easy to tell what they mean, but that's not what they're actually saying. 

30%: Sludge Grudge is yet another story that tells us something, and leaves an important message, but with no art to it.   Because these are all blunt and 'here's how things are', instead of truly digging into the issues, it comes off as preachy.   Not really enjoying this as much as I would if they were deeper and richer.   

34%: The Day the Internet Died.   Same issues I've been having with the other stories. 

42%: DLSM was, as I suspected, another fetishizing of sex bots.  It was the most pointless, and had the least of a message, of all the stories.   The way it moved between past and present with no indication was also confusing as the moves didn't correlate between actions, reactions, or anything t hat made me go, 'ah, that's why this is being done this way.'

47%: 

Then there’s the prime directive thingy from Star Trek.   They can’t interfere with the internal development of our civilization and are forbidden from using their superior technology to impose their own values or ideals on us.

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 386). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

Explain.   Why does our fictional universe mean that supposedly real aliens can't do this?  

48%: Edge of Obesity is the same. 

52%:Pork City, USA: I didn't even understand this one. 

57%: Shoot the Freak didn't even try.   I'm getting less patient with this book. 

61%: 

Tami hated the robots. How could it need her to do anything? Artificial Intelligence bullshit, she thought.

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Locations 500-501). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

Guess which character I hate!

62%: 

she loved older people

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 515). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

She loved older people

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 516). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition.

It's so redundant, it decided to use the same exact phrasing.   

69%:

"Janet strips on the weekends at a club and she is trying to get her sister Mary to do it for the money.”

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Locations 572-573). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

Holy shit, the generalizations about people from the Philippines is gross - they all work hard, this isn't the culture so they treat people kinda like animals but are kinda gentle, and all are poor and send money home and work all the time to do this.  

Then this.   

73%: 

“I don’t think you can get sick from eating hamburgers..."

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 601). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

They're talking about mad cow disease in particular, but there are other ways hamburgers can make you sick.  Undercooked meat.   Spoiled lettuce, tomato, etc.   You can definitely get sick from eating hamburgers.   Saying that you can't is incredibly stupid.

74%: 

stopped when she notice Tami looking at her.

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Locations 614-615). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

Noticed.

82%:

“Ewe”, said Tami revolted.

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 682). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

More grossed out than mad, I'm guessing.

87%:

“Fuck you, Human”, said the robot voice to no one.

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Location 723). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

I kinda love the robot voice. 

96%:

JUST STOP EATING ALL THE TIME.

Hogbalm, Ziffels (2014-09-23). How To Get Rich, Lose Weight, and Enjoy More Sex: Short Stories for Successful Living (Kindle Locations 797-798). Impact Research Consulting Ltd.. Kindle Edition. 

This is the advice on how to lose weight.   It's about as artful as the rest of the book, though. 

100%: Vortex of Shit and the short advice section were both ridiculous.  I'm just glad this is over. 

HOLY SHITBALLS!  I was looking for some bizarro fiction.  

Instead I got word salad, and some of the wrongest sex scenes ever.

 "I was trying to write something profound while pounding out beers, but it seemed insane."

Pounding out beers does sound kinda insane.

"Finally I climaxed so hard my head swam from the loss of blood."

If  you're losing blood when climaxing, you're doing it wrong.   

Heh.   Doing it.   Because just in case no one else is going to point out that immature bit of wordplay, I'm going to. 

"My balls flip flapping in the cold air."

All the sex in this is wrong.   I've been laughing so hard for like five minutes over this one line that I started to choke.   Someone in the house thought I was dying, too.  Or crying in a severe depression.

There's no way I can read this line out loud without laughing so hard I do end up choking and dying, so I didn't bother trying to explain it to them.

Then again, I kept visualizing this when I thought of this line: 

"Your sperm has millions in it, and from each one we use to augment my species."

There are millions of what in his sperm?   Nope, we never get that answer.  

"My heart beat faster as my eyes walk over her body."

I'd be freaking out if my eyes started to walk, too, so fair point book. 

"Wary of my first encounter of her that ended with me sticking my cock into a large bunny..."

Again, fair point book.   

"My heart was a snake wanting to strike the miniature romero..."

Romeo?

"The little man had wormed his way into my ex wife's vagina was a little toad that needed punishment."

The sex is all wrong.   This reads that the whole man wormed his way into her vagina.   And now she's loosing blood because you can't do sex properly, book. 

"...his screams matched his spent semen that dribbled on the floor..."

He's taking revenge on the dude who wormed his way into his ex's vagina.

"'It's time to play, you sneaky little toad!'"

Play.   Pay.   They're actually not the same words. 

"It was silver, and stinged with a hint of green."

Stinged.   Your clue is as good as mine.

"I felt a flush of excitement, and I glanced again at my sword and thought of my hardness pining for Millie..."

Well played, book.   Least subtle sword-as-phallic-replacement ever.   And is anyone else a little freaked out by the fact that his sword makes him hard, and then he thinks, 'hey, I'm hard and want my ex-wife'?

"I picked up and felt my body and my teeth."

Because apparently his teeth aren't a part of his body?   Or he just really feels them?

"Everything was in place, so that at least kept my fear from screaming."

My fear is a well behaved pet and never screams.  Maybe get it some treats or something?

"I turned at was looking at a head in a jar of some fluid."

I know sentence structure writing good.   

"She was working it, and my cock was biting at the fabric of my pants."

Penis dentata anyone?

And the sex continues to be wrong. I think I'll leave it here. 

Because surely this was just... satire or intentionally funny, right?   In that case five stars, five star all around!  In the end, though, I decided it was probably, sadly, serious, and in that case, one half star and less faith in humanity. 

I'm also not sure if this is a conspiracy theory book, a religious book, or an anti-extremist/ISIS book.   Probably all three, and some other types of crazy thrown in there. 

"The sad thing is that Obama is controlled by the big banks and the Illuminati."

This book does not give you a moment to breathe.   Right away, bam, we're thrown into conspiracy theories that kinda blindside us.  I read this sentence, and laughed out loud, by the way.

"ISIS wants people to join them so they can have women and children to rape for their own sexual pleasure."

I just have no idea what to say.   Look, I don't know much about ISIS, but, yeah, I'm pretty sure geopolitics and religion has far more to do with it than recruiting people to rape.   I mean, how do suicide bombers and beading people fit into the huge raping orgy now?

But the great - and only great in that it's so ridiculous you kinda laugh out loud all the time - is that it makes statements like this, and you can pretty much tell that the author is, in his opinion, righteously furious.   

It continues in this vein about ISIS: 

"They are just as gay as anyone and they are sex offenders."

I kept wanting to sit down with the author and ask for some sources.  

"ISIS is al-Quida who is Obama, and Pope Francis, and if Obama isn't the antichrist whoever is will be a part of the muslim brotherhood in some way or another."

There is a lot of finger pointing in that sentence.   And, ah, we've gotten to the apocalyptic religious crazy now. 

"ISIS or ISIL is the same as the KKK, Black panthers, Black Lives Matter, NAACP, White Surpremacist, LGBT, Gay Pride, Planned Parenthood, The United States Government, PORN Industry, and any other sin related group."

...

Black Lives Matter is a sin related group.  Wait, did this book and author just imply that keeping black people alive and safe is a sin?   Then why does he hate KKK?   Isn't LGBT and Gay Pride a bit redundant?   Why is Gay Pride capitalized?

So many questions.   

Like does anyone else get that this guy likes no one at all?

"But where I am different than all of the above is that I am forgiven."

And here we get to the real point of the book: believe as I do or you are all doomed.   This book isn't about ISIS at all, and I suspected it wouldn't be from the description.   It's the same old religious fear-mongering.   Believe in Christ and save yourself or you will be damned.  

It's a fire and brimstone sermon sent straight to your Kindle. 

"My God does not approve of ISIS, Obama, Pope Francis, LGBT, Planned Parenthood, or any other idodic, idol worshipping society."

Wait, wait, are we supposed to worship Obama and Planned Parenthood, or do they worship us?   

"Allah is a fake, made up Disney princess."

...

So, isn't Allah supposed to be coded as male?   And if he does turn out to be a rip-off Disney princess, will Disney sue, or try to get the rights to him?

"To the U.S. Government and President Obama, Jesus Wins.  Read the BIBLE.   He tells us that he wins."

Yeah, well, my fake Disney princess tells me that your fake Disney princess doesn't win.  

"Stop having your gay parties, turn your head upwards to God, and ask him to forgive you.   You have time."

Well, not with all the gay parties I'm having...

"If you are not saved, find a true Christian believer and talk with them and learn how to accept Jesus as Lord."

See, isn't this what Catholicism is about, too?   And yet you shit all over Pope Francis, so I guess a Catholic is not a true Christian believer?   Well, see, book, now I'm confused.  You haven't told us who a real Christian believer is, or how to find one. 

Given your insane ramblings, and lack of research, however, I'm going to find the nearest FOX correspondent, and ask them.   Or not.   Because, ugh, that's probably hitting too close to the mark here.  

Continue ignoring me, FOX correspondents.   Go on, continue with your ignoring of me, and we'll all be happier for it, I promise you. 

See that shelf that says antisemitic?   That's because, author, you can't put your hands up, say you're a friend of the Jews, and that we as a people have a right to exist, then go on making antisemitic arguments about why Israel shouldn't exist. 

Let's start with you staying in England despite not being biologically suited to the environs according to your own argument, and then stubbornly staying there while the Jews have to go.   And, dude, I'm sorry about your British guilt, but that's not Israel's fault.  Or the fault of the Jews. 

"As one of the last overhangs of the British Empire colonial project we can also reasonably breathe a sigh of relief in believing that Israel will be the last index entry on injustices done to serve imperial needs through a fallacy."

Sorry, buddy, but the Jews don't have to pay for your guilt.   Or your country's guilt.   Ironic since he says no one else should pay for what should be Israel's guilty actions, which he has yet to prove.   (And seeing as he uses what is, quite frankly, a disgusting quote by an Israeli professor saying that one should rape the wives of terrorists to cow them, and then says, 'see, see, they believe that Muslim women should be raped!'...  Um, no, one does, and you can't warp his words to mean all Muslim women, which is what you did in an attempt to incite rage against Jews.   Ironic since he claims one should be held to his own words, and since he gets his panties in a bunch over a mistranslated world by someone who wants to eradicate Israel.   But, yeah, sure you're such a great ally to Jews.)

Or, he says, the UK wanted to refuse re-entry to its own citizens if they aided ISIS, or something.   And then says we should do the same to those who support Israel because it was founded on terrorism and throwing out the Palestinians.   And here's where he could have gained sympathy and lost it.   So, the founding of Israel?   And the way it was handled?   Kinda sucked.   But how can you compare what you believe was a terrorist action, and holding the descendants responsible for that, to actual terrorists committing terrorism right now?

And showing he knows how to make an airtight argument, he implores everyone, especially the US to do the same and denounce those who support Israel because the land was taken over.   

So... I'm assuming he totally knows that the US was occupied before the white man came here, right?   Right?

How can the US condemn taking over land when they did the same thing?   Or let's put it this way, if we say that aiding a country that was colonized is terrorism, aren't we calling ourselves terrorists?   Yeah, way to make your point. 

Ugh.   I can't even with this.   Pure drivel, by someone who admits he's biased, and does nothing to moderate that bias at all.   

Or, y'know, fuck this book. 

I also don't always burn book.  Actually never have.   But never before in my life have I wanted to burn a book as much as I've wanted to burn this one. 

And I read Real, y'all. 

ETA: Also, for the love of Primus, finish an argument!   Don't leave it hanging or move onto a new topic all of a sudden.   Yikes. 

The Loki plotline alone was so, so bad.   Loki pretends to be Deadpool's father to try and trick him.   Which doesn't work and only resolves in the fact that Loki gives Deadpool Thom Cruz's face. 

Deadpool, who hits on everything breathing, decides this is in fact awful and that he looks like a dandy movie star - and yes, he says dandy.   And yes, Deadpool would have to mock himself ruthlessly for saying 'dandy' when he's properly written. 

Anyway, it's so bad, and he misses the scars that define him so badly that he will do anything, including deep free his face to free himself from the horrible, horrible burden of being movie-star handsome. 

Yes, I meant that he would literally try to deep fry his face. 

So, apparently, getting actual sex with a pretty face is a problem?  Look, if you're thinking, 'gee, I wish this made sense,' don't worry.  I wish it made sense, too. 

Also, apparently he was not into dudes. 

Or, y'know, he was trying to convince himself he wasn't.   (Also, this is why I know he wasn't saying he was a redhead earlier; he's clearly a brunette and was when he called Titania a redhead.   Although there was a reason for her being blonde, potentially.   Copycat!   Which was a really bad conclusion to one of an old plotline from the original mini-series.)

Even the breaking the fourth wall references were lame, especially compared to the brilliant ways that it's used later on.

I spent most of the time reading this like this: 

Shut up, voice in Deadpool's head.   I don't wanna pay attention.   These plots are stupid, critical or not.   

Only two and half more volumes of this hellish idiocy, then onto the better stuff.   Oh, Primus, please let Agent X be better...