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review SPOILER ALERT! 2015-09-12 20:29
DBR: Orion's Circle. Or 'Woobie and the Three Alpha Woobies'.
Orion's Circle (Sirius Wolves Book 1) - Victoria Sue

Drunken Buddy Read with Kate.

Set up: We purchase what we hope will be a craptastic m/m book, choose our poison and start reading at the same time, while commenting on a sekrit goodreads thread.

 

The next day we correct typos.  

 

 

Kate
Um yeah. So more unhealthy living brought to you by Kate and Marleen. 

Estimated start: 1900 hrs PDT 
LenaLena Do as we say, not as we do! 

Stay tuned for a passionate commentary on Woobie And The 3 Werewolves (featuring mpreg)!
Kate Okay, I drank half a glass of wine to get started. I think I'm going to need a head start with this *mutters*. Fucking mpreg shit.

On to page 1 
Kate What are gammas? Is this something I should know about ABO that I don't?  Kate Using "floor" when you mean "ground" is confusing. It's going to be a lonnnnggggg night. 

*has another drink* 
LenaLena Whoa! Hold your horses! I am here. Just had to fix an issue withe the bluetooth keyboard. Starting..... now! LenaLena Maybe gammas are betas? Kate Gamma comes after beta in every Greek alphabet I've ever seen.    KateAs the wolves circled, and brought with them their familiar stench, Aden’s head echoed with his mother’s entreaties to run and his father’s pleas to the alpha to spare him. It had done no good, and if he’d known their blood would have been sacrificed to mark the start of the hunt, he would have done his best to stop them saying anything. At least he would have been spared the sight of the alpha and his gammas ripping their flesh as they were butchered.”

Poor woobie. But what luscious dramatic prose. My heart is palpitating. Hah. I even spelt that right. 
LenaLena You spelled that right. Ergo, you aren't drunk enough.  Kate Clearly one can't be drunk enough to read this one. *refills glass*  LenaLena Dizziness, pain AND hopelessness. Poor Woobie.  KateHis jet black hair fell over his smooth, tanned face, and he was huge, at least six foot five—hell the man’s body was nearly the width of the tree trunk he leaned against, his shirt material straining against his biceps as he casually crossed his arms.”

Posted without further comment. 
LenaLena Bow Chicka Wow Wow. There comes the Alpha!  Kate Oh yes. The crushing disappointment of clothed humans.  LenaLena It's crushing my very soul, don'chaknow.  LenaLena Oh more crushing! Now it's hope.  Kate Yes. Crushingly crushed Kate Oh noble woobie!  LenaLena Don't be frightened, little woobie. Your big man is here!  Kate More alphas. A gold and a silver one. Stately handsome ones. Not old gnarly icky ones. LenaLena Duh. Nobody writes books about old gnarly icky ones. KatePack wolves couldn't howl. Howls from the pack were almost scratchy as if they'd lost their power.”

Srsly? This is what we're going with? Howl strength? 
Kate Lemon scented wolves no less. they must have been in the furniture polish again.  Kate Sensuously licking blood off his paws? And it make Aden all shivery. :S LenaLena Such focus on the blood licking! No wonder he has wet his panties. LenaLena Crushed wrist!  Kate Wolf licked it all better. But he can't stand up any more. All the pride that would let him do so has been crushed out of him. 

Poor poor woobie.
Kate Stripped, beaten and tortured for no reason. Just because. Woe, woe, woe. *haz sad for woobie* LenaLena Just because he's an omega that can't shift! Nasty racist werewolves. Kate Mean! KateRichard’s head rolled away from his body, his unseeing eyes staring heavenward, a fat pink tongue extending from his mouth, following the gasp he made as his life ended. The stench was incredible, as if the Alpha had died and rotted before he ever lost his life.”

OMG. This is too much. Shall we guess the age of the author. I'm saying no more than 16.
LenaLena Wow. Immediate decomposition. Another Alpha power. Or is that only because they had scratchy howls?  Oh you are wrong. I saw her author pic on Amazon. She is about our age. Kate No. way. Noway. LenaLena Way.
http://smile.amazon.com/Victoria-Sue/e/B00OSTTZ0K/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1442081322&sr=1-2-ent LenaLena Well, we made it through chapter 1!  Kate More lemon smells.  LenaLena Must be California.  Kate ZOMG. Naked man to be drooled over. Never mind we are beaten and starving, beautiful naked men come first.  LenaLena Bacon or muscles. It's a hard choice when you're literally starving.   Kate Oh no, surrounded by desolation and misery when the guy pulls his hand away from his face. The burning! The awful ache! Being an omega must truly suck. LenaLena Ridiculous tears! So lonely with only one beautiful naked man! Kate LenaLena wrote: "Bacon or muscles. It's a hard choice when you're literally starving."

I'm going with bacon, no contest. 

My kindle says 5 more hours. I'm commenting too much and reading too slow. This could be an all nighter.
Kate Oh God I looked at her photo. My faith in humanity is ruined. No adult should be this stupid. LenaLena Told ya!

Yeah, we are going to have to buck up and only comment on the most ridiculous stuff or we'll be here till morning.
Kate I had to go to the kitchen for a refill. Some nameless man thinks walking back and forth to the booze will somehow limit my consumption so he appropriated the bottle. Stinker. LenaLena More sobbing!

Oops. Broke my own rule already.
Kate It's all, ALL ridiculous stuff. And he's not even pregnant yet!!! LenaLena No, but he has altready met his mate. Moving along nicely *nods* Kate More sobbing. Woobie is an emotional wreck. Kate Blaze. Nice wolfy name. Sounds like a horse. LenaLena A horse with a harem of mates! Mares, mates, same thing. Kate Yeah really close. One little finger wiggle apart on the keyboard. LenaLena I actually typo'd it as mares first.  Kate Oh hand-feeding. Check one of the "have to" D/s boxes. True submissives are always hand fed. LenaLena While being cradled against big rumbly chests. Kate Rumbly chests are the best. LenaLena My husband only has a rumbly chest when he has a cold. And he don't want me leaning on him then. *pout* Kate Now my kindle says 7 hours. This is known as going the wrong direction.

Although.

We could do some this weekend and some next. Just to drag the pain out as long as possible.
LenaLena I only have 5 hr 45 min! Still too much. Let's see how far we get tonight. Kate Criticizing grammar and sentence construction seems like piling on, but this?

Blaze helped him lower a soft pair of shorts down he hadn’t realized he was wearing, and sat him down.”

*shudder* 
LenaLena Are those like the blue shorts in I, Omega, you think? Kate Yes! Baby blue boy shorts! I'd forgotten those. LenaLena Oh, shame on you! How could you forget the humiliating shorts!​?

Gotta get a refill....
Kate Oh noes the misery has returned. He has to bury his head (somewhere) and hide before this lovely respite in his awful life is ripped away. Kate The chest is rumbling again. LenaLena Must be a really bad cold. LenaLena More stunning menz! Kate Smooth ebony skin with silver hair. Hey lookee it's an IRR? Check another diversity box. LenaLena Conner's name should have been Meyer. So she could stop mentioning the lemon smell. Kate Oh no. Omega taking in and diffusing emotions trope. Not well intro'd. Kate Bad guy has green eyes. That's new. Green eyes are usually alpha. Author has an original thought.

But he has pock marks, so that tells us he's pretty evil. Cancel the original thingee.
LenaLena Except Loki has green eyes too. He's pretty, though. LenaLena More tears cuz he already luvs Meyer! LenaLena How can anyone love pathetic ugly old me?!?!  Kate I don't know ow ow wo wo. 

Meyer is a GREAT name.
Kate Throbbing alpha power. @@ LenaLena Redudes me to a puddle of desperate need every time.
Can't be helped.
Kate
True. There is no resisting it.
Kate THREE beeyyoootiful mates. What omega could ask for more.    LenaLena Four? He could ask for four beautiful mates? Or five. Or seventeen? 

Really, why stop at three?
Kate The throb makes his body pulse. Yin/Yang. What can you do? It's beyond his control. LenaLena Well, whaddayaknow. The evil wolf pack are homophobes. 
So surprised.
Kate Yeah, shocked. Not obvious or anything. They're bad guys, and in m/m bad guys are always homophobes. Or homophones which is what I typed first.  Kate No, they didn't fall in insta-love with him because… He ISN'T actually an omega….he's a gay HUMAN with an inner wolf. Just what every shifter wolf wants.

WTF?

Have I drunk too much already? This isn't making lots of sense to me.
LenaLena I am still waiting for the explanation of how he isn't an omega, but still a wolf something. 

I paid for an ABO godammit. If there are no omegas I want my money back!
Kate No betas either. We wuz robbed! Kate Psi? Psi???!!! Are we just pulling random fucking letters out of the alphabet here? JHFC LenaLena And just telling me he is another random letter from the Greek alphabet is not going to do it for me! LenaLena $5 says Chapter 4 is going to be one big infodump. Kate No takers. Skimming Kate Yep. This is where we explain all the world building instead of actually, you know, world building. LenaLena We can skip it altogether and see if things still make sense? KateLegends go that if mankind turns its back on this final effort, humans will be wiped from the face of the earth.” 

Aden opened his eyes wide. “That’s what you are doing?” He gulped.


You can turn your back on such portentous drama?
LenaLena It'd be a sacrifice. But one I am willing to make for the sake of my blood alcohol level. LenaLena Shouldn't the godess's name be Siria?  Kate No silly. Because Dog Star =/= Siria. She is trying to use actual fact stuff here, not made up stuff. We need to admire her research. LenaLena Obviously, the research didn't include a study of Latin. Kate Aha. An alpha triad can only form Orion's circle when they have the fourth. The fourth has to be super special. Unheard of. It is….ADEN.

Now we can go to the next chapter. We have the key piece of info!!
LenaLena Yeah, like that was hard to deduce @.@ LenaLena Psi is uber-omega! But first we must boink to activate psi-powers! Kate Except that he is an omega, only not just an omega because psi's are stronger than omegas, and mating with the three alphas will make him a psi. so I guess at this point he's an omega cuz he hasn't mated. Except that Blaze said he wasn't one. *so damn confused. Need more drink* Kate I object to the abuse of the greek alphabet in this. Formal objection filed with the courts. LenaLena That, and the fucking up of Latin.

Oh noes! Poor Darric has been sexually abused!
Kate Huh? Why bring in pedophiles? Kate Woobie alphas i guess.

All woobies. All of them.
LenaLena Ok, we shoudl call it Woobie and the three Alpha Woobies (featuring Mpreg). Kate I'm pretty sure we've mentioned tomorrow's meeting with Jefferson pack before. For exactly the same reason--not shifting. This is bad enough without redundant redundancies.

And yes we can file objections for crappy Latin too.
Kate I have seen no hints of mpreg. I'm thinking false advertising.

No sex even. At least I, Omega had a sex scene that lasted most of the first quarter of the book. *cheated* With magic spunk that bound the omega to the alpha.

We need magic spunk.
LenaLena I am not worthyyyyyyyy!!!!! This is stuck in self flagellation.

I, Omega had BUCKETS of magic spunk! *reminisces fondly*
Kate Ahh. We will have Aden woobie's consent. Even though he is powerless to his attraction. I am not sure consent means what this author thinks it means. LenaLena Well. Apparently he has nine days to find a backbone. LenaLena He smells something delicious and it isn't a man. Harhar. Kate He made Darric cry and he hated, HATED that he did that so he cried too. LenaLena Many manly tears. Always a sign of quality literature. LenaLena Excuse you? You've cried at least three times already in the space of a day. What is this 'really long time since you last cried' you speak of? LenaLena Since when do closed eyes prevent crying, you crybaby? Kate Oh yeah! Multiple orgasms. Being a chick with a dick…er an omega-psi, I mean… is so awesome.

Is it me or is this sex scene a little luridly purple?
LenaLena Whoa, you're getting ahead! Kate This is actually fricking boring. Starting Ch. 6 and nothing really has happened except woobie rescue and psi bonding. And crying.

The answer is? More to drink!
LenaLena How is he teasing a rock hard shaft to hardness? Wasn't it already hard? Kate You are over thinking this. LenaLena Either that, or someone's editor snoozed through the sex scene. Not that I blame them. Kate "opulent space" Must be billionaire alphas. Another box checked. Kate So why do they need Aden to channel emotions when empath lemon-Conner can? LenaLena I have spotted women! As servants, of course. Check another box? Kate Yes servant-y women are an m/m check mark. LenaLena Getting a little tired of all the cuddling. Kate And MOAR picking up and cuddling. Aden is sort of their snuggle pet. Although people who do that with pets drive me crazy. LenaLena Um. Didn't Meyer just explain he couldn't hear their thoughts yet because of an incomplte bond? And now he is talking in Woobie's head? Kate Ooh condescending bitch. Every m/m needs a bitchy female. Check. LenaLena UNATTRACTIVE bitchy female. Double check! Kate "scales heaved emptily for water" I have read that 3 tmes and it still doesn't make sense, fuck it. LenaLena She means gills. Move on, for god's sake, or we'll never finish this. Kate Oh bad guy gubmint military bitch bureaucrat. So much bad guy-ness in one place is hard to beat--author talent at its finest.

The coyotes are yipping outside. Even they are amused by this catastrophe of a book.
Kate Self appointed werewolf council for all of north america. Self aggrandizing dictators, much? Kate Pshaw. They've been chsen by the goddess, you unbeliever! LenaLena American Werewolf ISIS is thoroughly benevolent! LenaLena Woobie is going to start a teen center! Yay, Woobie! Kate Day care! LenaLena Let's fill 'er up with babbies! LenaLena Jefferson has betas. Then who the fuck are the gammas? So confused! Kate Oh no. They are channeling Tony Stark. They invested in something immoral, but they fixed it by turning the ammunitions factory into a school!

Is there a sentimental, stupid trope she hasn't borrrowed yet? I'm sure we can find more.

Onward!
LenaLena Leave my Tony out of this. Your sullying his name by association. Kate Awwww. Kidlets are so adorbs.

Barf.
Kate Bored. boooorrrrrrred! Can we skim? Maybe read every other chapter or something??

*whiny Kate is whining*
LenaLena Why do I always have the be the grown up in these endeavors and insist we read on? LenaLena 'Never argue with a female" Hello casual misogyny. Kate I saw that and did an eyeroll. Mostly because it is such an overused cliche.

Tony would take care of these so called werewolf leaders of NA in about one pass of Ironman's lasers. Maybe he would let Steve help. This would be a much better Stony fic than ABO werewolfs without BO fic. And they have no BO because lemons.

More wine.
Kate LenaLena wrote: "Why do I always have the be the grown up in these endeavors and insist we read on?"

Because you are Coulson and I am Clint and I'm borrrrred. I have the attention span of a gnat and it gets shorter when I'm drinking.
LenaLena Stop trying to turn this into a Stony fic! That is an insult to Stony fics. 

Hey, look, they are 600 years old. That's interesting, right? Right?
Kate 613 yo? Why? Why is that even necessary? LenaLena Oh joy. More lap sitting and cuddling. Kate Wait. Wait wait wait wait. Wait.

The werewolfies are supposed to wipe out humans if humans don't reconnect with the werewolf godhead or something. But now werewolves are responsible for protecting all of humanity and bringing them desperately needed balance. Because of al qaeda or whatever. 

I am not following the logic trail here.
LenaLena There is no logic trail! It's just foreplay for the next sex scene. Lust slamming through bodies and all that. Move on.  Kate Thumbing away more tears. There are lots of tears here. Very cry-ful werewolves. LenaLena Have we filled a swimming pool yet?  Kate Also more small desperate sounds in the back of his throat. He does that a lot too. LenaLena We can't fuck you hard, because you are still a healing woobie, Woobie. Kate Oh God. "Mine" How many checks for that? At least 3. LenaLena Yours
Double check.

And consenting consent again. Triple.
Kate 4.5 hours left in this book. Not gonna make it.
LenaLena
I only have 2 hours left. Did you accidentally buy the omnibus?
Kate "The pain in his cock suddenly molded into something else."

Huh? Like play doh or something? Or a sound? Whoa. Maybe they're getting kinky. 
Kate Ah. Delirious need will overcome pain. Every time. Kate And a "baby" endearment. Check. LenaLena If we don't get double penetration at least once in this book I am asking my money back.

What's the point of having three mates if not for that?
Kate No dp in this scene? I thought it was leading up to triple penetration, but I couldn't figure out the logistics of arranging 4 bodies. Kate Uh oh. Two fingers are hurty. This isn't going far. LenaLena Ah, the pain! A true deflowering of the virgin! Kate Yes! But it was beeootiful. Aden says so. LenaLena Aaaaaaand..... more cuddling. LenaLena With chesty rumbles. Kate Snuggling. Again! *disgusted* Kate Post coitus interruptus. Or maybe further-coitus interruptus. Or something like that. LenaLena Oh! Oh! The cute potbelly! I sense foreshadowing of the mpreg! Kate How sweet. Holding Aden's hand for reassurance. :/ LenaLena Oh god, dumbass omega goes out by himself. It's like he's never read I, Omega. Kate Or any other tstl book. Kate You are kidding me, right? This obvious plot device, so tired a cliche it ought to be permenantly retired, isn't where we are going here? LenaLena It isn't his fault, he was roofied! Poor Woobie! Kate Poor trusting woobie. Poor, poor, woobie. And poor, poor alphas. *pets them all*  LenaLena Poor evil wolves too! So ignorant and unbelieving they can't help evilling! Kate Oh oh. Another meanie homophobe. Poor betrayed woobie. Kate Oh now orion's circle is going to save mankind. Wipe out, balance, save, all same same. Kate So they grabbed him so they could hunt him again? I'm missing a big chunk of something called reason here.

Unless it's just evilly evilness. That would explain things.
LenaLena Yeah and then beat him and starve him again, because that worked so well for the first hunt. Kate And beat him until he can't stand, then blackmail him with the life of his friend and it's insta noble woobie again. But at this point how could he even move? 

I hate things that make less than no sense. Negative sense. This is sucking brain cells out of my head.
Kate Hey it's a tracker! Like the RC chip in I,Omega. Check! LenaLena Genital mutilation. That's new. LenaLena Like a true heartbroken woobie he is now refusing all food and drink.  Kate No, no, no you stupid wolf. Draw it UP your arm. Can't you even kill yourself properly? LenaLena You are still at the first suicide attempt. Read faster! LenaLena Woobie crying again. LenaLena And again! LenaLena And again! Kate I'm sorry. I drifted off to the internet for a minute or two. I will catch up. Pwomise. Kate So Craig had betas? What? and why aren't his gammas dead. And I'm still confused about the evilly evil and what was the whole point. 

But hurt/comfort! And damaged weenie! And tears! Blargh.
LenaLena Hey! Guess what?! 

More crying!

It's awesome.
Kate
>:(
LenaLena And now.... Now we're crying in hysterical grief! LenaLena Woobie obviously had to tell the Alphas Three to stay out of his head, or else the author would not have been able to work in the miscommunication trope. And what is a romance novel without miscommunication? Huh? LenaLena Oooh, vomiting. He must be preggers already. Because that's always the first sign. Kate God. So much self pity. I'm drowning in it. Kate Oooo. Big ugly faced cry. We needed more tears. LenaLena Only a few paragraphs to the hysterical crying. Just fyi. LenaLena Oops. Sorry for the spoiler. My bad. Kate Did you notice that "dick" in the first scene where he got hard was replaced by cock and has been cock ever since. 

I'm guessing it was a beta comment and it only got applied the first time the beta reader made it.
LenaLena Wow. You must be way more sober and awake than me. I'm not functioning that level anymore.  Kate Hey. I just got to the morning sickness part. Best thing? I now have only 20 min left. I can do it! LenaLena How come I still have 44 min? This book is fucking with the time space continuum! Kate So humans knew all about werewolves in 1917 but forgot about them by the 21st century. How would that work, exactly? LenaLena Beats me. I skimmed that shit. Way too deep for me at this point in the proceedings. Kate So the doctor is still alive for reasons of author-stupid and we are reading this because…why are we reading this? Are we masochists? This even hurts when I'm drunk. LenaLena Oh now the bitch is getting told off by a room full of men. Reader is supposed to rejoice. Awkwardly casual misoyny of m/m writers strikes again. Kate Exactly. The misogyny is worst among women writers, too.  LenaLena Blablabla negotiations blblablabla. Zzzzzzzzz. Kate skimmity skim skim skim. this military yak yak blah blah is stupid. Kate He's all tired too. Def preggers. LenaLena Yes! Remember Texas Jory's narcolepsy? Kate Yes, you were insisting it was Texas Jory mpreg BUT IT DIDN'T EVER HAPPEN. So disappointing.

Also, Aden suddenly like bananas. We are being overwhelmed by teh clue here.
LenaLena Shhhh. She's being very subtle. Don't spoil it! LenaLena Oh, I thought Aden had erectile dysfunction and that was the reason he was wallowing in despair. Apparently not. Kate Me too. I guess it's just the scars. LenaLena Must be magic dick healing. I swear he insinuated he had no more sensation 'down there'. Kate Insinuated nothing. He ran his hand over his dick and couldn't feel it. LenaLena Ok, insinuated he couldn't get it up, then. LenaLena Jesus, I only just got to the bananas. How did I fall behind again?! You filthy skimmer! LenaLena
Now there is a genetic experiment lab cloak and dagger Mengele subplot?!

*head hurts*
Kate Registration for all wolf shifters. Aha! stolen from either the X-men mutant registration or the Civil War superhero registration. Another check. Kate More tears. Streaming tears. LenaLena Visions from the Goddess. Check. Kate Now a visit from the goddess. Why not. Everything else is in this shitty book. LenaLena Yeah. Divine do over. Always a winner. Kate Osiris? We're dragging in the Egyptians now?!!!! I give up. LenaLena Come one, we already had Greek and Latin, what's a little Egyptian among friends? LenaLena And woobie passes out again. That's twice in an hour. That can't be good for the baby. Kate I guess we had to work in the corporate greed angle. It was definitely a missing piece. *eyeroll* Kate Yay! Epilogue!! We're done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LenaLena Oh look! Woobie is pregnant! What a surprise! LenaLena Heyyyyyyy, another tear...
Damn pregnancy hormones!
LenaLena OH Jesus Fuck. He STILL doesn't believe they want him? How fucking stupid can you GET?!? Kate He's not going to stay where he isn't valued. He's just going to leave and go off and cry in peace. They'll all be sorry then!

Fuck this book and this idiot. Sideways. At least 3 times.
LenaLena OK, all this blithering idiocy, but only two real sex scenes and NO double penetration. What a waste. Kate Oh, see? Omegas have always been powerful same sex consorts. Throughout history even. LGBT for the win!

This is the lamest mpreg, ever. Ever, ever.
LenaLena In the history of Ever.

Is the sequel out yet?
Kate Broken Circle. You are on your own. LenaLena Oh, come on! How about next week?

(Not even if you paid me)
LenaLena Goodnight dahlink. Sweet werewolf dreams! Kate You too, babe. This one was epically bad. Great choice! LenaLena I'm counting on Amazon togive me some good recs for the next one based on this purchase.!

 

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review 2014-10-20 00:41
DBR: Kate and I read Top Gun Fanfic with A/O, Sex Pollen and Fuck or Die tropes. While under the influence
Lover & Commander - Jez Morrow

LenaLena:

I turned down two offers of going out for pie for this, so it had better be bad in a good way.

 

Kate:

Um

Pie is hard to beat. No promises.

I have a new bottle of wine. I have the book. Let's do this!

LenaLena:

I have vodka.

Go!

Kate:

What's an exotic dramatic entrance?

LenaLena:

'Liam's mates cranked their heads around and took gingerly steps sideways to put some space between them and him, their eyebrows high and curious.'

And we have achieved awkward phrasing on page one.

LenaLena:

Kate wrote: "What's an exotic dramatic entrance?"

I guess he's wearing a lei.

 

Kate:

Ooh. A space station where guys walk around in minimal clothing. I could get into this.

LenaLena:

Strong sexy indentations in his butt!

Kate:

LenaLena wrote: "'Liam's mates cranked their heads around and took gingerly steps sideways to put some space between them and him, their eyebrows high and curious.'

And we have achieved awkward phrasing right off ..."


Yeah that caught my attention too. But the cheesiness is promising.

LenaLena:

I sense many superfluous adjectives in our immediate future!

Kate:

The whole picture is awesome. Worthy of a bodice ripper cover.

LenaLena:

Like 'handsomely chiseled'.

Kate:

How about the provocative tattoo--disappearing into the low slung black leather breeches?

All is good.

Kate:

The Kury's presence made the other males on the dock stand taller and flex their muscles.

LenaLena:

Oh good, Liam has imposing physique too. I was afraid we wouldn't get enough muscles in this book.

Flex them, baby!

LenaLena:

Choking on testosterone already!

Kate:

But he has a bright boyish grin, so we know nothing really bad will happen to the pretty semi-naked Kury.

LenaLena:

Oh dresk!

I love made up curse words. Not.

Kate:

God such corny language:

you could not expect a stud of the Kury's magnitude to stride into the corral without the resident stallions breathing a little fire.

This is awesome.

LenaLena:

Hubba hubba!

LenaLena:

More adjectives for the Kury. As if we'd forgotten what he looked like in the last 5 minutes.

Kate:

Who has the blatant dislike for Talon? Liam or Ragsdale? Confusing sentence.

LenaLena:

They were both pure alpha males.

I think we're supposed to drop our panties now.

LenaLena:

Oh goodie. Liam gets described again too. The author thinks we suffer from short term memory loss. Again on the boyish and devilish smile.

Kate:

So why don't knives fail to go through these personal force shields?

*panties still on. laughing too hard at the cartooniness*

LenaLena:

Does one carry beacons as a rule?

Kate:

Uh oh. Evil Lurkers! *pewpewpewpew---'Splosions!!*

LenaLena:

Good point about the knives. Yes on the bullets but no on the knives? Odd.

Kate:

LenaLena wrote: "Does one carry beacons as a rule?"

I always have mine within reach. You never know when an EPIRB will come in handy.

LenaLena:

Liam Grey presented a personal threat beyond any peril his warrior's heart could fathom....

Purple much?

Kate:

Ah, noble Liam. Self sacrificing, always in the right place at the right time for the good of all Liam. I'm pretty sure this is a remake of Top Gun. Which one is Cruise?

LenaLena:

Maverick/Ice Man fanfic?

Kate:

Lots of purple

Also reminders of long flowing hair and tight muscle hugging leather breeches.

Kate:

LenaLena wrote: "Maverick/Ice Man fanfic?" That works

LenaLena:

Talon is Ice Man, of course.

Kate:

Liam’s scent filled his nostrils, dark, earthy, male. Liam’s weight pressed down on him. Liam’s big hands and mightily thewed arms kept him immobile. Liam’s broad hairy chest pressed against his, heaving with his deep breaths.

Uh huh. IRRResistable. Are your eyes rolling yet?

LenaLena:

Dang it, I am already behind. I just finished the PEWPEWPEW. No sexytimes yet.

Kate:

 

No sexy times. Just wrestling match which becomes too much Liam alpha dominance for Talon to handle.

LenaLena:

Got it. They just started that.

Kate:

LenaLena wrote: "Talon is Ice Man, of course."

Yes, yes. Liam is the boyish Maverick with the roguish smile. Of course.

Kate:

Talon had fallen into something deep and now he was in over his head. Talon never feared deep water, but this felt like a drowning pool.

Not sure what a drowning pool is, exactly?

LenaLena:

It's a pool for suicidal folks.

LenaLena:

There's too much boyishness in this book. :(

Kate:

LenaLena wrote: "There's too much boyishness in this book. :("

I was just thinking that. I'm choking on it. Even when the word "boyish" isn't actually said and they are just acting like 15 year olds.

LenaLena:

The speed with which Talon falls for Liam reminds me of Space Escapes. Another quality book.

Kate:

I missed SE. Although you tried to correct that.

LenaLena:

I did my best. I can't help it if you missed out anyway. Your loss.

I DNF'd the shit out of that though.

Kate:

Apparently his attraction for Liam is going to kill him. *flips frantically to ch. 3 to find out what happens to the erection*

LenaLena:

Now, now, children. No arguing about the chess game!

LenaLena:

Kate wrote: "Apparently his attraction for Liam is going to kill him. *flips frantically to ch. 3 to find out what happens to the erection*"

Whoa! We have achieved erection?

*flips even more frantically to try and catch up*

Kate:

How about no throwing chess pieces? *eyeroll*

Hurry up. You're missing the next PEWPEWPEW

LenaLena:

I'm there! PEWPEWPEW but no erections!

Kate:

Erection is later after Liam accidentally brushes his arm. That always does it for me, too. @@

LenaLena:

Oh yes, dem armz, baby!

LenaLena:

Death by erection. Awesome.

Kate:

I bet it's a "Fuck or Die" situation.

LenaLena:

That, or Talon is an omega about to go into heat. Let's see who wins this.

Kate:

Oh God. Baby Liam or Baby Talon? No. You'd better be wrong.

LenaLena:

He can't handle the shame of turning into an omega, hence the attempted suicide.

Mpreg would be the cherry on top.

Kate:

No mpreg, no knotting, no omega shit.

LenaLena:

Screw you. You're no fun. Mpreg is the only thing that can save this.

Space babieeeeeeeeeeees!

LenaLena:

Battle orgasms?

Interesting.

Kate:

I don't think Morrow knows what "coitus" means. You know, there are dictionaries and things.

I'm still seeing a fuck or die scenario...although 'heat' has been mentioned. Damn.

LenaLena:

'Heat' you say? *wrings hands in glee* Knotting here we come!

Kate:

Nope. I win. You will see.

LenaLena:

Ah, fuck it. *throws chess piece at Kate's head*

LenaLena:

I say we both win. It's fuck or die because the guy's in heat.

And no, Merrow does not know the meaning of the word coitus. Worse, she thinks we don't know it either.

Kate:

More of the "strong and sure and barbarically beautiful" stuff.

Also is this dubcon or noncon? Does that count in 'fuck or die'?

LenaLena:

Isn't all fuck or die dubcon by definition?

Kate:

Well sometimes it's just an excuse. :D

I don't know why we have pulsing manhoods. That seems so very het.

Kate:

Shimmering feelings are singing in his groin post orgasm. Maybe he's pregnant.

LenaLena:

The book can still be saved by space babies!

LenaLena:

His body is racked by something that wanted to be joy.

LenaLena:

Touch my sex. @@

Kate:

 

Liam seems surprisingly okay with all this. How does that make any sense?

Kate:

LenaLena wrote: "Touch my sex. @@"

Yeah, that and pulsing manhoods are too much. Sex is pretty much her euphemism of choice.

LenaLena:

Love? Yes he loved him. He had fallen in without quite knowing it.

I swear this is a direct quote from Space Escapes.

Kate:

LenaLena wrote: "Love? Yes he loved him. He had fallen in without quite knowing it.

I swear this is a direct quote from Space Escapes."


Amazing what a little sex will do for a grown man. Did Morrow write Space Escapes? *goes off to look*

ETA: Nope. Must be her alter ego.

LenaLena:

He hasn't even gotten off yet. He only gave the dude 2 handjobs. Hey, presto: Lurve!

LenaLena:

His brain just disintegrated in a welter of sexuality.

Mine just disintegrated from purple prose.

Jenn:

i just woke up from epic nap and am dying laughing at this convo. this book sounds shitastic.

Kate:

He's a selfless giver.

LenaLena:

Kate wrote: "He's a selfless giver."

Must come with the boyishness, I suppose.

Kate:

Jenn wrote: "i just woke up from epic nap and am dying laughing at this convo. this book sounds shitastic."

It's awesome Jenn. You should have joined us. If only for the booze.

LenaLena:

Talon has had like 4 orgasms and Liam goes to sleep without one? What kind of relationship is this? Besides unbelievable.

Kate:

Purple stuff. "I'm the only one who can." His deep voice thrilled like a touch.

Kate:

LenaLena wrote: "Talon has had like 4 orgasms and Liam goes to sleep without one? What kind of relationship is this? Besides unbelievable."

Liam is obviously undersexed. But you already knew that about Cruise.

LenaLena:

Liam was the sunlight, he was the air.

This book is so fucking purple it's ultraviolet.

LenaLena:

Kate wrote: "LenaLena wrote: "Talon has had like 4 orgasms and Liam goes to sleep without one? What kind of relationship is this? Besides unbelievable."

Liam is obviously undersexed. But you already knew..."


Right. Because all his sex is for Scientology.

Kate:

More space invaders and Liam doesn't get an O the next morning either. Poor guy.

LenaLena:

Handjob #5?

Kate:

The actual fucking was aborted by Talon's squeamishness, so I think it's 4-5 hand jobs and one BJ so far.

LenaLena:

The blaze tore open. Passion like shattered starlgiht surged with his pulse. A cry tore from him his throat and he came in molten spasms into Liam's hand.

Handjob #5 can be considered a success, anyway.

Purple Christ on a skateboard....

LenaLena:

PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!!!!

Kate:

Drifting clouds of purple: Beyond them stretched the enormous expanse of black eternity. Outside the islands of starlight lay perfect nothingness...Liam whispered into the boundless deep, "Talon".

LenaLena:

Correct me if I am wrong, but in space, where there is no friction, you can keep going indefinitely at the same speed once you have reached that speed. What is this 'not being able to come back' nonsense?

 

Kate:

Sorry, but this part where Liam goes off into neverwhere makes no sense. Or less sense than the rest of the book, anyway.

LenaLena:

Bad science! Bad, bad science!

The crisis also lasts like a paragraph and a half. Not really enough to make an impact.

But Liam is finally getting off! So, yay, I guess.

Kate:

Oh barf: "His velvet-fringed gemstone eyes glittered wet."

LenaLena:

What is with the 'sweetheart's and the 'honey's? Does Liam really think emasculating the dude with the homosekshual crisis is going to make things better?

Kate:

Aha! A new one "feeling Liam's rigid passion". ALL the euphemisms. All of them.

LenaLena:

Talon felt his maleness on his own.

Yes. ALL the euphemisms.

Kate:

I might have to DNF from too much schmoop. 88% is close enuf, right?

LenaLena:

Come on! I am at 89% and there is like 7 min left!

SEVEN fucking minutes! Man up, bitch.

Kate:

Liam's passion spilled onto Talon's sex tingling like sunlight on a cold day...

That sounds like something is seriously weird with Liam's spunk.

And yes, coming all over someone is twu wuv.

LenaLena:

Oh my fucking god. I'm gonna vomit purple marshmallows now.

Kate:

I can't dooo ittttt.

Besides it just beeped a low battery warning at me. *quits in glee*

LenaLena:

But! But!

We're back with Ragsdale. FIVE minutes.

You suck.

Kate:

Oh very well bossyboots. I'll finish it on the computer. Yay for kindle reader.

LenaLena:

Crisis created and averted in 4 minutes! Yay for novellas!

Kate:

Hey. Self lubricating too.

Kate:

Amazingly fucking stupid purple book.

LenaLena:

Kate wrote: "Hey. Self lubricating too."

Told you he was an omega.

The purple just kept building and building.

Phenomal book. Thanks, Kate!

 

Kate:

This had Sex Pollen AND Fuck or Die. A two-fer.

LenaLena:

Actually, Talon

1) goes into heat
2) has a One True Mate
3) has a self-lubricating asshole

So this is Alpha/Omega-verse as well. It's a three fer.

 

 

Like Reblog Comment
review 2013-08-30 00:00
Timing - Mary Calmes

I have a hangover. It's all Kate's fault.

 

** spoiler alert ** Kate and Lenalena read Timing on a Friday night.

Aug 30, 2013 04:33PM

Kate:
I'm going to start this @5:00pm PDT

Drinking game rules are in effect. Any time a drink is called for, please note it in the thread.

Kate:
Rules:

If one character hosts a TV show, take a drink.
If one character caresses another character's cheek, take a drink.
If they only just met and they're basically strangers, take two.
If there's an Hispanic best friend (m or f,) or best friend’s partner, take a drink.
If there’s a pregnant character, take a drink.
If there’s a birth, take a drink. If the MC is the birth partner for a pregnant character, take two.
Take a drink if someone is kidnapped.
Take one drink if the MCs name starts with a J.
Drink on each mention of the word “dessert,” or on consumption of a dessert (this includes pie).
If there’s a surgeon or doctor character who does not perform a medical procedure on the MC, take a drink. (If they’re a neurologist or neurosurgeon, take two.)
If the story mentions Chicago, take a drink. If the story is set in Chicago, take two.
One drink for each mention of a jazz club.
Every time you encounter waggled eyebrows, take a drink.
Take a drink if the MC entertains a small child. If they're 6 years old, everybody drinks.
When one MC dances with a woman, take a drink. If he dances with multiple women at a work event, or a partner's work event, take one drink for each dance partner.
Every time one MC calls the other “baby”, take a drink.
If there’s a festive family party or special occasion, take a drink.
Every time tongues are tangling, take a drink.
On the word “peacoat”: everybody drinks.
If someone makes a newspaper swan, take a drink.
One drink if there’s an ex-boyfriend who wants to get back with the MC (double if he’s batshit crazy).
One drink if one MC is/has been literally or effectively an orphan.

Lenalena:
I have the list printed. I am going to put on the rice. Then I am reading for 30 min. Then I need to cook dinner or I won't be able to anymore.

Lenalena:
And the MC sounds like a whiny child in the first sentence. Is that in the rules?

Lenalena:
Nope. But there is Chicago!

Kate:
I have to finish throwing together a salad and then I'm there.

Make them sips or we won't get through the damn book!

Lenalena:
Knox=Dane, obviously. There should be a drink for gorgeous secondary characters.

Lenalena:
Eyebrow waggle at 3%...

Kate:
Do we count this as set in Chicago? I don't think so. One drink.

Lenalena:
Yeah, I only took one. We arrive in Texas at 4%.

Lenalena:
7%. Another eyebrow waggle.

Lenalena:
Dancing with a woman @ 9%. Dinner may not happen...

Kate:
3% First eyebrow waggle.

Lenalena:
@.@ Stef is a total fucking Jory!

Kate:
@5 I'm snortlaughing over the description of Rand as some kind of mouthwatering vision of alpha male perfection. Subtle as a sledgehammer.

Kate:
Everybody loves Jory Steff. Except Rand (who we all know is secretly pining)

Lenalena:
Do we take separate drinks for separate wedding events, or do we call it just one big special gathering?

Kate:
Umm. How about big things only: stag party, rehearsal, wedding? Anything else is a baby sip.

Lenalena:
Waggle #3 @14.
I took one drink for the bit with the dancing, but not for the night on the town.

Lenalena:
The bachelor party was a non event. I did not drink for that one.

Kate:
I'm only at 13%. Rand is manhandling Steff. Apparently this is hot alpha behavior given all the readers who gasp and drool over him. *puzzled*

Lenalena:
Stefan is kicking a drunk dude's ass at 17. He is a tad alpha himself.

Kate:
One more "hafta" and Ima smack Steff. Or maybe Ms. Calmes.

Lenalena:
Let's not drink for the haftas. That would kill me.

Kate:
14% Oh god. More eyebrows.

Lenalena:
20. Does Stef have narcolepsy?

Kate:
I must be drunk. I'm falling for Stefan and his fabulosity. :D

Lenalena:
You are not, you traitor!

Kate:
SSSSSssssttttttteeeeeffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!


:D


Yes. I think narcolepsy is a distinct pissibility. (I left the spelling the way it started. Hah!)

Lenalena:
I am NOT reading this with you if you start drooling over Jory!

Pissibility indeed!

Lenalena:
23. Narcolepsy confirmed. Second nap of the day.

Kate:
*wheedles* Oh come on Marleen. Lemme. ALL the girls have crushes on him. *puppy eyes*

Kate:
He just threw the asshole cousin into the side of the garage. Awesome alpha Stef Jory.

Lenalena:
Fine, but then I am going to drool over Rand al Thor.

Kate:
:S


Okay fine. I'll stop.

Spoilsport.

Lenalena:
"and I knew from seeing him without a shirt many a time that his stomach, with its six pack abs, was a work of art"

Now why did I have the impression that Jory saw as little of Rand as possible? I def didn't get the impresseion that he'd seem him half naked lots and lots of times. He's been holding out on us!

Lenalena:
Maybe he is a nudist?

Kate:
Are you as bored with this as I am?

Nothing's happening.

Kate:
21% Is this the 3rd or the 4th time Stef has carried someone?

I get it. He's awesome and strong. Can we do something different now?

Lenalena:
Well there just was a low key murder attempt....

Lenalena:
26. Definitely narcolepsy. Or maybe he is pregnant?

Kate:
Calmes mpreg. I wants it!!

Lenalena:
Cody must have knocked him up last minute! The timing totally works. Which explains the title!

Excellent. I wonder if there was knotting....

Kate:
I'm going to totally go post this as a status update out there in the big GR world. Entertainment is good for everybody.

Lenalena:
Make sure you mention the narcolepsy as a alternate theory. But seriously, 3 naps a day sounds pregnant to me.

Kate:
It's obviously from carrying everyone around. Wears the poor boy out.

Lenalena:
Come on, he's alpha Jory, he can do a little carrying of people.

BTW, Stefan is effectively an orphan.... *gasp*

Gulp.

Kate:
I haven't had to drink in a long time. I've been wondering if I'm really in a Calmes book. Good to know we're on track.

Lenalena:
I think we should add arched eyebrows and hands in hair. That's five drinks right there.

Kate:
Along with the dozing off. We'd be plastered.

Ahhhhh. Stef hurt Rand's wittle feelings and he stormed out and slammed the door. So cute. *yawnz*

Lenalena:
I'd feel bad drinking to someone's narcolepsy...

Kate:
Is that half orphan or effectively full orphan? Good enough.

Drink.

Kate:
Uh oh. He's lethargic again. Drink---oops.

Lenalena:
36. Eyebrow arch.

Kate:
Not a waggle. Denied.

Lenalena:
The arches outnumber the waggles by now. I'm substituting arches for peacoats . My whisky is getting warm.

Kate:
First sex scene and it really makes no sense that these guys want to fuck each other. I am so so bored. So fricking bored. Not nearly enough drinking.

Lenalena:
I'm telling you, you need to add the arches! That's 5 drinks you missed.

Kate:
Okay. I'm counting arches. AND falling asleeps.

Lenalena:
And Rand touching Jory's hair.

Kate:
And Rand touching Stef's hair.

Lenalena:
Great minds...

Kate:
37% Fell asleep after sex. Understandable, but it counts.

Lenalena:
Ok, I'll drink to that!

Lenalena:
Rehearsal dinner, time for a refill.

Lenalena:
We could add drinks when Stef is a ninja?

Kate:
I ran out of the good beer. Switching to wine.

Lenalena:
Nothing worse than bad beer. I am continuing with the single malt.

Lenalena:
Chicago! Drink!

Lenalena:
Eyebrow waggle! 46

Lenalena:
Hand in hair. It's hitting hard and heavy now.

Kate:
Not there yet. I'll drink anyway.

Lenalena:
Aaaaand we have the first 'baby'. Not sure I can keep up with this.

Lenalena:
Immediately followed by another waggle. Calmest is trying to kill me.

Lenalena:
Cheek touching!

Kate:
Oh no. She was just luring us in with all that sleepy middle. Now she's going to kill us!

Lenalena:
Yeah, she made us add all of these rules because boring and now she's making a killing.

Lenalena:
Another Baby. *groan*

Kate:
*groan* Oh wow. I think we need to drop some of our extra rules or I'll never make it.

Kate:
47% Cheek stroking!

Lenalena:
So I can skip Stef being a ninja this time?

Kate:
No ninjas. My liver can't handle them.

Lenalena:
And skip the dozing?

Oh shit, I missed a dessert drink!

Hey, do cows giving birth count? The rules say 'if there is a birth', it doesn't specify species.

Kate:
I'll ask Emma via status.

Lenalena:
Please! We need expert advice.

Kate:
Let's defer that drink. Maybe it won't happen. Onwards!

Lenalena:
It did. Stef was birth partner to a cow. There are two drinks riding on this.

Lenalena:
More people carrying...

Lenalena:
Eyebrow arch. We nixed those, yeah?

Lenalena:
Oh god.... A waggle.

Kate:
So what are the odds you could kill someone by stabbing him in the throat, have your roommate raped and murdered and NOT end up in a big legal brouhaha that everyone would know about, esp. family? I say zero.

Lenalena:
You're missing the point. Stef = ninja.

Kate:
No arches, but all waggles count.

Stef is an awesome ninja. I can still complain about teh stupid. Is my job!

Lenalena:
Fine. As long as I don't have to drink for teh stupid. Cause that'd be bad for my health.

Kate:
This is already bad for our health.

Lenalena:
No kidding. I am about to doze off in a haze of alcohol.

Kate:
Gahhh! More sleepiness. Are we counting those? I've lost track.

Lenalena:
No!

I didn't count that. Drunk enough as it is.

Lenalena:
More dancing with wimenz.

Lenalena:
Waggle-waggle

Kate:
I've lost track of the peach cobbler thingies. It's been mentioned at least 4 times. Crap. I have to catch up.

Lenalena:
Fuck I forgot to drink for those! Please don't make me, my vision is already blurry.

Kate:
You're grandfathered. No retroactive drinks!

Kate:
Did you drink for the wedding? I suppose it's only one...*groan*

Lenalena:
Thank fuck.

Does that mean we are not going back for the cow birth either?

Lenalena:
I did drink for the wedding party. And the dancing. And the waggling.

Lenalena:
Baby....

Kate:
No answer from Emma on either of our statuses. I vote no drink.

Lenalena:
Ice cream counts as dessert, right?


Kate:
Another Chicago. Shit. And yes, ice cream is dessert. :(

Kate:
This is the stupidest plot Calmes has ever come up with. Even drunk it makes no sense.

Lenalena:
There is plot? *peers fuzzily*

I thought it was just a wedding and fucking.

Kate:
And shooting little old ladies and Jory.

Lots of male rooster crowing, too. I don't even care what happens in the last 20%. I'm skimming as hard as possible.

Kate:
Oh god no! Not another cheesy family gathering.

Lenalena:
It gets better

Kate:
LenaLena wrote: "It gets better"

Emma should add a rule for whoever-Jory being TSTL.

Kate:
Kidnapping! Yes!! I've been waiting and waiting. It's a Calmes staple.

Lenalena:
You're overtaking me. I don't think you're giving this the attention it deserves.

Kate:
:S

I'm still trying to figure out why you need to buy multiple ranches to build a megastore...or even a whole mall.

Also the plot is getting stupider and more unbelievable. If that's possible.

Lenalena:
What is stupid is that she tacked on a plot at all.

Kate:
True dat.

Kate:
More Chicago.

I quit. I give up. I refuse.

Lenalena:
It was perfectly fine with just marrying and fucking.

Lenalena:
You can't. Only 7 minutes to go!

Kate:
Oh very well. But no more drinking.

Lenalena:
OH! OH! THE SAP! I'M DROWNING!

Kate:
LMAO. Phil went to the petting zoo. Hah!

Lenalena:
Done! Thank fuck.

Kate:
At least it ended with his fluttering passage. :S

Kate:
Hey. No peacoat.

Lenalena:
Fluttering passage? Missed that. Skimming too hard.

Lenalena:
No children either. Thank God.

I am so going to bed now. We can recap in the morning.

Aug 30, 2013 11:05PM

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