Have you ever listened to heavy metal albums on a tape deck while playing Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! Over at your best friend’s trailer? Are you a Shia LaBeouf completist? Have you ever wondered what would happen if you suddenly peed on your cat? Have you ever tried drunkenly convincing loved ones that Goodfellas is mandatory Christmas viewing? Do you long for the days when Hulkamania was the strongest force in the universe? Do you scream into pillows? Do you get sad pleasure from watching Chuck Norris kick the shit out of dudes on coke? Do you eat cream cheese sandwiches for dinner and then cry yourself to sleep every night? Have you somehow Jacque Cousteau’d a new depth to the ocean that is your self-hate? Is this the year you finally give up and start a food truck and then immediately crash it into something? If so, then congratulations: You’ve just graduated into your total dark side persona, and Brian Alan Ellis is here to text you “Zzzzzzz…” and other sweet nothings using a Virgin Mobile flip phone purchased at a Dollar General before Obama was president, so get hella stoked!