"It's very wrong to put soap in Mommy's contacts case."

"Who colored on the puppy with a highlighter?"

"When I'm asleep on the couch, it's not okay to stuff a doll up my shirt, shove your hands between my legs, and shout, 'Push!'"


Being a mom isn’t at all how Teralyn thought it would be. Instead of feeding her children a well-rounded diet, she’s happy if she can keep them from eating newspaper out of the trash can. Instead of doing enriching activities like crafts and science experiments, she spends most of her time stopping her toddler from dancing on the toilet.

It’s a lot of work to make children act like human beings. With everything they do, say, bite, eat, lick, break, spit on, and jump off of, it’s a wonder they make it to adulthood. Raising kids is worth it, though, and not only because we love them. It’s worth it because children are hilarious.

With over 300 funny quotes and chapters like “The Baby is Not a Toy,” “Don’t Wipe Your Boogers on the Dog,” and “’Stranger Danger’ Means Not Tickling People at the Airport,” DON’T DANCE ON THE TOILET tells the side-splitting story of Teralyn’s two daughters: their adventures – their misadventures – and all the things she’s said to them, but never thought she’d have to.