Kelly Oxford is . . . A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds Not the queen of the world An underage schnitzel house dishwasher The kid who stood up to a bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rush  A born salesman Capable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20 That girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one time Totally an expert on strep throat Incapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her boyfriend A writer A certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes Not above using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket A Michael Jackson lookalike when she has short hair “Not fat enough to be super snuggly.”—Bea, age 4 “Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that.” —Roger Ebert Freaked out by David Copperfield A terrible liar