I have climbed the Purple Prose Mountains. There were many stumbles along the way, and the path was often obscured by wordy brambles. Bruised and bloodied, I persevered and emerged at last onto the Plains of Youdidthistoyourself by the banks of the Crymea River.

Ye gods, I’m exhausted.

The rating reflects my enjoyment of the book, which reached a series low directly proportionate to the increase in filler. And there is So. Much. Filler. One thing I didn’t actually hate was the ending. I know lots of readers were pissed off by it, and I find that hilarious since the way things were going to go was literally laid out in book one. Personally, I was pleased that Paolini didn’t give in to his copying-David-Eddings instincts and end with as many characters as possible pairing up and getting married.

He did give in to some of his baser instincts, though, like when he had Angela knitting a hat that says in part “Raxacori—” on it. Raxacoricofallapatorius. Because why not rip me out of the story again with another Doctor Who reference. (Actually, Angela would almost make sense as a Time Lady, but then Paolini would owe royalties to whoever owns that copyright too.)

I’m glad I’ve ticked this series off my 2019 to-do list, but I will be forever pissed off by the pointless undermining of character growth. And the inconsistent dragon anatomy. And the lifting from other books/movies. And the pop culture references pulling me out of the story (such as it was). And by the series continually expecting me to care what happens to Roran, Raging Asshole and Alleged Military Genius.

Whatever. I’ll shed one more figurative tear for the way publishing celebrates mediocrity and move on with my life. At long last.

Progress Updates:

Page 42

Page 103

Page 246

Page 370

Page 370 redux

Page 568

Page 719

Page 849

I am DONE. This book took 130 pages to wind down after the climax. Unless I missed it after I started skimming, there was never any pay-off for Eragon’s 360 on meat-eating. I will never not be annoyed by that meaningless reversal.

Say it again, Why Bear.

OKAY. Okay. Okay.

I’ve already said more than once that Paolini lifted a bunch of stuff from David Eddings’s books, including the basics of his magic system. Early on, I mentioned how Eragon was reminding me more of Garion than Luke these days.

WELL. Well. Well.

In Magician’s Gambit, book 3 of the Belgariad, the villain of the book accidentally snuffs himself in the climax by trying to will something out of existence.

NOW GUESS HOW GALBATORIX JUST DIED. GO ON. GUESS.

I know you can’t copyright ideas, only the expression of them, but by all that’s holy, the Eddings estate should be getting royalties for this series.

Eldunarí are like big crystal balls that house the souls of dragons whose bodies have died. The Big Bad has enslaved hundreds of them and allegedly destroyed the rest, making him practically unbeatable and the most powerful magician ever. But Eragon got a sort of prophecy early on regarding something called the Vault of Souls, and every time he asks about it the conversation goes much like this (paraphrased) one did on page 431:

Eragon: Could there be Eldunarí in the Vault of Souls?

Glaedr: Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. Not a chance. Don’t know what’s there, but it’s definitely not Eldunarí.

(About 130-ish pages later)

Heaps of Eldunarí: Psych! This Vault of Souls is actually full of souls! We totally had you going there! Right? Right? Oh, by the way, we’re responsible for every inexplicable turn of good fortune you have experienced during this whole series, and also here’s a portable pocket dimension to carry us all in so we can help you kill the villain! Wheeeee!

This plot “twist” was at least partially earned with set-up going all the way back to book one, so it’s not quite the biggest deus to ever have ex machina’d, but it’s pretty damn close. And great googly moogly, it is so clumsily done.

Picking up where I left off yesterday, and less than two paragraphs later I run into this description:

the scaly fingers of Thorn’s paw

 The SCALY FINGERS of Thorn’s PAW. Because SCREW ANATOMY, I guess.

My dear fellow book lovers, I have, as the Aussies say, cracked it.

[bleep!] you, book. I’m skimming the rest.