There are few literary awards that authors are less excited or grateful to be nominated for than the annual Bad Sex Awards, the Literary Review’s tongue-in-cheek ode to the most cringe-worthy depictions of the nasty in the past twelve months of fiction. While the ultimate winner of the 2014 prize probably won’t be rushing to put their plaster foot trophy on the mantelpiece, they can at least take pride in being amongst such illustrious company, as past winners include Melvin Bragg, A.A. Gill and Tom Wolfe.

Sadly, none of this year’s shortlist (which includes Haruki Murakami, Michael Cunningham and the most recent Man Booker Prize winner Richard Flanagan) are especially heinous, although Flanagan’s attempt includes the sexual deed being interrupted by a dog eating a penguin. We’ve waded through the bad metaphors, questionable word choices and unnerving descriptions of bodily fluids to bring you the absolute worst (and funniest) nominees of the award. Seriously, don’t read this at work. We did warn you.