I expected the essay on men actually explaining things to women in the way they do that spawned the term "mansplain". It's one of my favorite words. I've even shared it with other men who love it just as much. They know the ones that are notorious for it, the ones who always try to shut down the women around them, the ones who think they know everything, who think they show intellect by silencing others. Sometimes all I need to do is explain what it means and I get a smile and nod and sometime later there begins to be support in shutting the mansplainer down.

The rest of the essays were a bit of a surprise. They took on a much darker tone. They draw the line between something like mansplaining and the more permanent or physically dangerous ways that women are silenced. While its easy to look around and see the price we pay for speaking up, it's much harder to see the pay price we pay for silence. The whole thing was great but it was the last two essays that I particularly enjoyed. Here's the list of essays:

• Men Explain Things To Me
• The Longest War
• Worlds Collide in a Luxury Suite: Some thoughts on the IMF, Global Injustice, and a Stranger on a Train
• In Praise of the Threat: What Marriage Equality Really Means
• Grandmother Spider
• Woolf's Darkness: Embracing the Inexplicable
• Cassandra Among the Creeps
• #YesAllWomen: Feminists Rewrite the Story
• Pandora's Box and the Volunteer Police Force

It starts with something as simple and seemingly harmless as mansplaining and then draws a line to the violent ways women are silenced, the reasons we are silenced, and bigger picture effect of our silencing. It's a powerful set of essays that takes what we know and broadens it so show what we can be scared to see. At least, that's how I felt.

I got the updated edition, so  the last two essays #YesAllWomen and Pandora's Box are new in mine as opposed to those who read the original 2014 edition. Some other parts were updated as information had come out that wasn't available the year before. If you read the original, I still recommend picking this one up at the library or browsing through the last few in the bookstore coffee line or something.

 I knew this would be an informative book, but I didn't expect to enjoy it this much. It's the kind of book that should be read and analyzed and discussed in classes and prevention training sessions everywhere. 

 It's been on my TBR since about the time it was published but I just now got it together to read it. I usually hate talking about rape, particularly when I'm already talking about feminism. For years, I had viewed rape and abortion as the only two things feminists talked about and I hated that. That was when I was still in the primary target age and it terrified me to be reminded that often. As I've embraced the label of feminist in recent years, it's taken me a while to be okay with talking about rape. It took a while to find my voice in it, but this book would have helped me do that sooner.

See, I'm only slightly younger than the author, so I remember those times in the '90s when it almost seemed like people cared. I remember ingesting all the messages from television and schools that almost made it seem like it wouldn't have been my fault, except that everyone knew it really would have been because it's always actually about how not-cautious and unprepared the victim was. No one was saying yet that we should just teach people not to rape. No one was using the word consent, not around me.

Just as Harding contends, the landscape is changing now and it's changing in a beautiful way. The generation that is coming up now is amazing in its embrace of that the victim didn't invite it, couldn't have invited it. Harding writes beautifully about the problems we've seen in recent decades and the amazing things that were happening around the writing of the book and the things that look like they are on our horizon.

She writes with an entertaining style that was both friendly and firm. She does not let us delude ourselves about the world we live in but she does provide hope and paths to new understandings. Rape has been talked about and taught about one way for so long that changing the conversation isn't going to happen immediately, but her book is another in a line of books that are changing the conversation from "why was she there" "what was she wearing" to "why did he do that". But she doesn't miss the opportunity to stand up for men and that they can be victims too, of each other and of women. She doesn't miss the opportunity to talk about the fact that there are lots of men out there who are perfectly great and respectful partners that don't rape. But there are those who do and we aren't calling them out near enough.

There's lots of information in this book that I had before but there is lots that I didn't. Everyone should read the book, talk about it with others, and analyze it along with the world around them. It's important to talk about rape and consent.

Something not mentioned in the book, but that I would like to add to the conversation is that it is never too early to talk about consent because it is a part of everything at every age. We've been using that word in situations with my son since he was about 3 years old (he's six now). It came up when he expressed that he didn't like being squeezed when we hug him. Instead of using the kind of language that is usually reserved for children of this age, we made the conscientious decision to use the word consent. Hugs must be consented to each time and the appropriate level of squeeze is negotiated throughout. There must be enthusiastic consent to hug any one at any time and that is reinforced with visitors to our home. Or tickle. Or wrestle with. Or touch. Or smooch. Or help him in the bathroom. Or call him by any nickname. Or label him in any way.

I feel like part of the problem with talking about what affirmative consent is and looks like is that we reserve it for discussing sex. That may be too sensitive a topic to start with and it's definitely too old for them to just be learning the concept. By then, we have waited until they've gotten used to being able to touch without asking for it and being touched without giving it. We have waited until they have determined that we can't be that serious about it because they've already done so many things they weren't allowed to do. So we started using consent early.

Pick up this book. Read it. Talk about it. Talk about consent. Use it in everyday situations. Don't miss an opportunity to increase your knowledge of rape culture and your ability to be a part of changing the conversation and helping the next generation improve things.