Published in The New Yorker in june 9 2014.

You are lonely, but you don’t have to be. You have so many great qualities! Just think of all the single ladies out there who are waiting to hear from you. Whether you are looking for lasting love or just a little fun, this is the only guide to online dating you’ll ever need. Within the hour, you’ll be on your way to eternal happiness!

Let’s get started. When creating your username keep in mind that it should be concise and easy to remember. Make it personal. If you’re a dancer maybe try: hipdancer21.

Find me at cyclops15. Cyclops 1-14 were taken.

Now choose a tagline that will attract the woman you want. Secret: Do what no one else is doing.

I’m eight feet tall and I have one giant eye.

What are your interests? Be honest but enticing.

I handsew my own shoes using a needle made from the fang of a wolf. I sleep hot. I want nothing more than a sheet on my bed, even in winter, even in a cave.