it's easy to get stuck.To let one big thing hold you in place . And it's such a waste .Don't fall for it . It will keep you from everything

I'm scared that I don't matter , even a little bit and no one matters and nothing matters . I'm scared that it all matters and I'm fucking it up . I'm scared I'm living my short short life wrong in every possible way . I'm scared I've already made so many mistakes and I dont have enough time to fix them . I'm scared I won't die with the slightest amount of dignity ,like on the toilet or watching bravo . I'm scared no one will care when I do . I'm scared that the only person I ever loved wasn't real . I'm scared I will never get over him . And I'm scared I'm making the same mistake again.

so what's the point of what we do ? I asked if we can't provide that.
Well... He said . He handed me a napkin for my tears. Maybe part of its just to reaffirm to people.
Reaffirm what ?
He looked away and scratched his chin , covered in black and gray stubble . Then he met my eyes again , and for once he didnt look like a sad clown . He looked serious .
that we don't need as much closure as we think we do .
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I want you to take your picture and send it to me
Its a little dark
Turn on a light , genius
Should I send it to you now
I'm going to hang up , I said , and then you're going to send it to me . But there's one last thing .
What ?
I want you to be naked in the picture .
More silence
Its only fair . I think you know that .
I didn't wait for a response . I just ended the call. And I fully expected that he would call right back and try to argue his way out of it . But he didn't do that . And as time passed at this rate about an hour per second, I wondered maybe if it was better if he didn't do it
It would give me a chance to break contact , to prove that he never really wanted to be on even ground with me .
What does a true liar do , after all , when you ask him to stand naked .

You can't just run away from your grief . you have to deal with it head on . no matter how difficult and strange it is . we both took a drink of coffee. There are no shortcuts she said . you have to do the hard stuff before it gets any easier.
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