I’m engaged to Thomas and yet I let another boy kiss me. And I kissed him back. The worst part? He’s not even a regular boy—he’s a rebel mystic!
Oh no! Of all the people suffering in the world, all the injustice going on in the Depths of futuristic Manhattan, THIS. IS. THE. WORST. THING. EVER!
That's great. That's wonderful. Good for you, sweetie. I just don't want your sort in a sci-fi/dystopian novel. Get the fuck outta here.
This book has
1. A weak, spoiled, wealthy TSTL socialite heroine whose attempts to do good are as laughable as a pet kitten bringing me a half-eaten mouse
2. A love...tri..quadr...hexa...thingamajig
3. A poorly conceived and largely nonsensical setting
4. A love interest with stalkerish tendencies
5. A plot that's 90% romance and 10% story, with not a single bit of subtlety
6. Villains that stand around twirling their mustaches and cackling maniacally
The Summary:
Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to fall in love. The love you see on TV or read about in books, where you find your missing half—the person you were meant to be with forever—and suddenly you’re complete.
It's the future, in Manhattan, New York. No idea when it is, but, uh, "global warming" happened and the world (the world meaning just Manhattan) has gone to shit. Yeah. It's that kind of a premise. Suddenly we have flooding and sweltering temperature and people with magical powers called Mystics.
Aria Rose is about to have all her dreams come true. She is engaged to the son of a rival political family, Thomas Foster. Except it doesn't really feel that great. Why? She's lost all her memories.
I fought for true love, and I won.
Now I just have to remember it.
Aria remembers everything. Her family. Her friends. The time she ate all those oysters and puked her guts out. It's just surprisingly specific that the one thing she can't remember is something that should have been the most important: Thomas.
Hmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.
Her upcoming marriage is a brilliant one. Really, her forbidden (and forgotten) love affair couldn't have worked out any better for her family and Thomas'. The Fosters and the Roses have been at political war for years, but now, they've decided to team up against a Mystic politician who is threatening their political dynasties. It's just the most amazing coincidence ever that Aria and Thomas has decided to fall in love at the time when it's most important that the two families ally together against a common enemy. It's just such a shame that Aria can't remember a goshdarned thing!
Hmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.
Aria only knows something. There's a mysterious boy who makes her heart beat fast every time he's near. There's just something about him...Hunter. He's a Mystic boy, a forbidden boy who's as different from the patrician Thomas as night and day. Hunter shows up everywhere; her balcony, her room. It's just so amazing that he happens to be there every time Aria's in danger. Like when she steps over a skyscraper railing just for fun, and almost splats to death due to her own fucking stupidity.
I’ve started to bring my leg back over the railing when my other foot slips.
And just like that, I’m falling.
Ugh. Thomas is SO handsome, and SO rich, and it would be really nice to be his wife, and all her friends are, like, sooooo looking forward to their wedding.
The girls nod as if they understand. “That makes sense,” Kiki says. “Meanwhile, I still don’t have a friggin’ date to the wedding! I want some cute guy to dance with during the slow songs and make out with in the bathroom.”
“Time is tick-tick-ticking away!” Bennie says, clapping her hands together.
But it doesn't FEEL right. Thomas is, like, soooooooo cold. And Hunter, is, like, SOOOOOOOOO HOT. And then there's this pesky little thing about giving the poor downtrodden Mystics their basic human rights. Which Hunter and Aria will TOTALLY get to. Once they stop admiring each other and going to carnivals.
From here I can see the entire carnival, the colors and the lights, the Magnificent Block ignited with festivities.
“This is gorgeous,” I find myself saying.
I think I hear Hunter say You’re gorgeous under his breath."
Yeah. Once they get their minds into the game and out of each other's eyes, Hunter and Aria will change the world! How?!
“Love?” Hunter asks, his eyes wide. “Could the things you’re feeling be love?”
I gulp and nod at the same time. “I think so,” I say. “I hope so.”
“Me too,” he says. “More than anything in the world.”
Then he leans in and kisses me. Not on my forehead or cheek, but on my lips. A real kiss. A kiss that feels like it can change the world.
The Plot:
This is the first major event in eighty years that all the young Manhattan elite are attending together. Everyone will be here, regardless of allegiance—Foster or Rose, kids from both sides of the island. The plummet party at the American pales in comparison.
“Come on,” I say, shoving through a crowd of paparazzi.
Because the best way to celebrate the union of two rival houses is to PARTY PARTY PARTY.
THERE IS NO PLOT. The book SHOULD have been about Hunter and Aria working together to free the Mystics, instead, Aria spends 90% of her time going to parties, thinking about Hunter, hating her parents, thinking about Hunter, going to parties, wondering what's up with her memory loss, talking to her BFFs, thinking about Hunter, wondering what's the big deal with Thomas, going to parties, and thinking about Hunter some more.
The Setting:
The heat, they say, is because of the global climate crisis, the melting of snow and ice around the world and the rising sea level that swallowed Antarctica and all of Oceania. Global warming is also to blame for the canals...filling what used to be low avenues and streets with seawater.
Welcome to another "global warming" dystopian premise! With magic!
It's the future! We don't know how fucking far in the future it is, but it's gotta be pretty fucking far in the future in order for global warming to get to such an extent to almost immerse Manhattan in water. The upper classes live in the Aerie, high-rise structures, while the lower classes live in the Depths, where crumbling buildings and shit falls on them all the fucking time. We now use gondolas to get around, and for some fucking reason, the subways still exist, but unused and sealed, but aren't flooded, since people still use them as hiding places...but why aren't they flooded, since they're underground? How did the waters recede in the tunnels, anyway?
I glance around at what must have been a waiting area for people to board the subway. The ground is slick with grime and eroded from where, at one point, it must have been completely flooded.
Ah, logic. Fuck logic. Who needs logic anyway.
So in this magical, mystical future, we have technology that can specifically erase memories, but there's a surprisingly lack of technological advancements. Hell, it's like...the 21st century! We have iPod-like music players, we have an iPhone-like device called a "TouchMe." People still text and tweet in the future (Twitter will be happy to know they're not dying out any time soon).
“That stays between us, though. Okay? Don’t go texting it or tweeting or whatever it is you kids do.”
We're still struggling to make paper records electronic.
The stack of manila envelopes on my desk has piled so high I fear it will topple over. Mental note: Get on those. They’re copies of the draining reports from over ten years ago, before everything was streamlined electronically.
It's not like we're not doing that RIGHT NOW OR ANYTHING.
What the fuck kind of a future is this? Chanel still exists. It's too hot, if you step outside, you're practically boiled, but people still take vacation to Bali. Despite sea levels, people still seem to be able to eat the same kinds of delicacy, including seafood and oysters and stuff that might be impossible to get if the seas and the temperatures heat up? This book's premise is a mess.
The X-MEN:
“Some mystics can take on the glamour of someone else,” Hunter says, navigating a flight of stone steps. “So you can look like a different person. But eventually it wears off. Other mystics can use their energy to affect the weather, or even the air surrounding them.” He waits for me to catch up. “I know a girl who can spin a tornado out of thin air,” he says, “and someone who can start a fire”—he snaps his fingers—“like that.”
The Mystics in this book are fucking dumb. Supposedly they've existed all along, as witches persecuted for their crimes, and came forth to help the US during WWII. After which, they became DANGEROUS AND ENSLAVED AND DRAINED. Wut. Fucking really?
Ok, first of all, these Mystics are completely normal-looking. They're not X-Men mutants. They are humans with powers. They're just...hotter than others. They feel hot to the touch. And THAT'S why they were caught? Why can't they just fucking stay hidden? If they've been so fucking good at hiding in the past, why can't they just do it again now?
“Pretending to be something you’re not sucks the life out of you. Even worse than the drainings.”
Are you fucking kidding me? You'd prefer to be almost enslaved, your powers drained, rather than HIIIIIIIIIIDE YO'SELF? What kind of a stupid reason is that?
Some of these Mystics have pretty fucking amazing powers. Why can't they just, like, get the fuck out of there? Seriously, emigrate to another country or something. Be Free like Willy. Some, not all, have powers that can make them look like someone else (glamour), they can control the weather, they can manipulate fire, they can walk through walls.
SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THE MYSTICS JUST LYING DOWN AND TAKING THEIR TERRIBLE TREATMENT WITHOUT A FIGHT?
Aria:
It was Hunter. He’s saved me twice in two nights.
I can't even count the number of times Aria got her ass saved. She's so fucking Too-Stupid-To-Live that it's unbelievable. Here you have a pampered girl, one who is a celebrity, recognizable everywhere she goes. She's got the street smarts of a dwarf rabbit, and she's sneaking around ALL OVER THE FUCKING SLUMS, and is OH SO SHOCKED whenever she gets caught (which is repeatedly).
“Please,” I say.
He licks his lips with his thick, wet tongue. “Please what?”
“Please don’t hurt me.”
I close my eyes, willing the pain to stop. I am going to die here. I am going to die for my stupidity.
Aria is passive, to be fair, she can't DO anything because of who she is. Aria is a spoiled-poor-little-rich-girl without an ounce of common sense. it's not her fault that she was raised to be a smiling and brainless socialite, but I can and will hate her because I want a stronger character than that.
Aria doesn't DO anything. She doesn't need to work, so she halfheartedly holds a job at a local politician's office. Her days are filled with nothing but shopping and friends and parties (and thinking about how her life sucks). Her nights are filled with sneaking out to see Tyler. She can't even plan her own wedding, all Aria does is whine and sigh over how life is soooooooooooooo HORRIBLE.
The Romance:
“Are you spying on me?”
“Spying has such a dirty connotation,” Hunter says, running one of his hands up my back. “How about keeping watch?”
Oh, here we go again, a boy who's a stalker, but it's ok if he's stalking her if he's just looking out for her safety. He shows up in her bedroom. He's there whenever she's hurt. He's there when he shouldn't be. He's not who he seems (remember, Mystics can wear other people's faces). Hunter shouldn't be trusted, but the heroine seems to feel that it's ok to trust him anyway!
Something about him—his easy attitude, perhaps, or the way he looks at me—makes me feel I can trust him.
As for the romance: A is engaged to B (who is fucking C) while secretly in love with D (but shouldn't be) because D is secretly engaged to E, who graciously sacrifices everything because she loves both A and D.
*barf*