Romance Bingo - Virgin square

This was Nicki and Paris Hilton fan fiction circa early 2002 with a dash of 50 Shades of Gray thrown in. I see the couple (Nicki Leah and Ajax) divorcing the day after their 5th wedding anniversary (as per the plotline, the two have to be married for five years). Book two in this duology (Paris' turn! Rachel's turn) has a Kim Kardashian plotline/backstory (the early years when the sex tape first came out and she was still buddies with Paris). The virginity fetish displayed by both heroine and hero were of particular grossness. There wasn't anything redeemable about this book. Stay away.

First hate read of 2017.

Ugh!  The last time a book infuriated me this much was Gone Girl.  I hate that book for nearly the same reasons as this.  Characters are unlikable and ridiculous, Zach is a brat and Lucy is an obtuse naive idiot who somehow teaches physics.  The plot is a hot mess of sloppy amateur writing and completely absurd.  The ending is easily guessed eally early on.  I get that this is supposed to be a light read and it really is lowest common denominator light reading.  High school kids bullshitting their way through a creative writing class could write a better book than this.  Walter White in Breaking Bad was a believable high school chemistry teacher.  This airhead of a heroine isn't fit to teach day care.  Thankfully I picked up this book at a library bag book sale and spent less than 10 cents on it.  Others had told me that Jennifer Crusie is a fun fluff writer but after this abomination it's going to be a long time before I read another one of her books.

This review is going to be long and rage-filled. I can't believe a traditional publishing house allowed a book like this to be published; I am now going to use this book as Exhibit A during any debate between self-publishing and traditional publishing. Do not be fooled by those 3, 4, and 5 star reviews - either the author or the publisher must have paid for those positive reviews or she has a rabid fan-girl following who loves all her work. Remind me never to read this author's works again.

Summary: In this humorous historical romance, a cowboy must choose between family bonds that could restore his trust or a love that could heal his heart.

There is no humor in this book and there was a love story that was so twisted, you would think EL James wrote fan fiction about it. Everyone is TSTL on this planet or the other seven in our solar system. Let's meet the wastes of oxygen:

Rafe Kincaid: our hero...the main male character. He is the oldest of the Kincaid brothers and is a douche canoe of EPIC proportions. Just look at some of my updates where I quote this guy's feelings about women in general and the heroine...the main female character. He is beyond demanding that everyone (including brothers and Julia's family) obey his commands. He is common sense smart, but anything outside of ranching is beyond his brain's capacity. But it's okay because to win arguments, he just glares at that person or, in the case of Julia, kisses her without her permission. Dude is the alpha-hole type straight out of Harlequin Presents, dressed up as a cowboy. He demands Julia marry him within 36 hours of meeting her (the entire story takes maybe 4 days tops) so he could protect her and her family. He has plans on breaking her stubborn streak/spirit as soon as they are married and he will have her obeying him in no time, just like the cattle on his ranch. There is a lot of making out/heavy petting for an inspirational, and mostly it is Rafe forcing the kissing on Julia. The guy is toxic, but Julia is just as freaking ridiculous.

Julia Gilliland: really, how did she manage to be 19 years old as stupid as she is? She is the stereotypical red-hair, green-eyed spitfire of a heroine. She is OBSESSED with geology, specifically fossils. Doesn't matter that someone is after her in order to get her father's ill-gotten windfall, doesn't matter that she doesn't have a lick of common sense, doesn't matter that she wants to be in charge of everything all the time even though she starts off every mission to the caves by walking in the opposite direction from which she should be going in, doesn't matter that her future in-laws and husband hate the caves (due to a childhood incident),  doesn't matter that her step-mother is heavily pregnant with her second child in less than two years and is close to delivering - no, none of that matters. All that matters is the caves and the fossils that could be found there. And why are these damn fossils so important to her? Hold on to your chairs:

The fish fossils found in the caves in the mountains could help her prove her theory to the world that the Great Flood (the story of Noah and his ark) really happened, and the whole world would then turn to Christianity/become Christians. She would get recognition, acclaim,  and praise from both the scientific community and the church for her work at bridging the two communities and bringing the world's population to Jesus. 

Yep, that is how the author shoe-horned religion into this story. By making the most unlikeable heroine (selfish, obsessed, short tempered, judgmental, no damn sense) try to connect fish fossils with a biblical story, using very vague science-ish terms. This from the same character who looked west to watch the sunrise over the mountains. ::HEAD DESK::

Ethan Kincaid: the book's sequel bait, although there was so much Ethan and Audra in this book you would think it was about them and not Rafe and Julia and her fossils. He is not a smart man (none of the brothers are bright), and chafes under Rafe's commands.

Seth Kincaid: the youngest brother and the only one who makes sense. He doesn't show up until the last 25% of the book. Julia is extremely, disgustingly vile to Seth, because he is the reason the brothers don't want to go into the caves and explore the fossils with her. Seth was hurt in the childhood incident and was a POW during the war (American Civil War, but the author called it the War Between the States *sigh*) and is suffering from PTSD as a result. Yet he is still the smartest and sanest one in the group and ends up saving them all.

Wendell Gilliland: ne'er do well husband of Audre and father of Julia. He dies by the end of the first half, and the reader wished he could take a few of these characters with him. Typically historical romance villain.

Audre Gilliland: just a couple of years older than her step-daughter, Audre has one child (14 month old Maggie) and heavily pregnant with child number two, despite hating her husband (she follows the tradition of allowing her husband his martial privileges regardless if she feels like having sex or not). She doesn't remember or can't figure out when she got pregnant, so doesn't know when she is due. She doesn't quite understand pregnancy or having babies, despite the fact she ALREADY has one. She ends up physically restraining Seth to keep him from going back into a cave, both lose their footing and end up falling hard to the ground. Her water breaks right then and there, but pretends nothing happens and moves the group back up the mountain (via horseback, riding in a regular saddle) to the Gilliland cabin while in labor. No one in the group suspects Audre is in labor - WTF? Labor is not so easily hidden people! Seriously, the kid shoots out her vagina the moment she is in her bedroom. Julia helps with the delivery, even though Julia still doesn't understand how babies are born despite helping deliver Audre's first kid. Audre is a weakling and weepy woman, but she is stubborn and dumb like her step-daughter.

Tracker: the villain who is taken down by Julia's beating his head in with a rock.

The caves/mountains of Colorado Territory: the story takes place about 3/4ths of the time in the caves. I kept wishing for a cave-in to take out the characters.

Stay far away from this mess of a book. 0 stars to infinity and beyond.

Summary:

What if the perfect match is a perfect surprise? 

Honor Holland has just been unceremoniously rejected by her lifelong crush. And now—a mere three weeks later—Mr. Perfect is engaged to her best friend. But resilient, reliable Honor is going to pick herself up, dust herself off and get back out there …or she would if dating in Manningsport, New York, population 715, wasn't easier said than done. 

Charming, handsome British professor Tom Barlow just wants to do right by his unofficial stepson, Charlie, but his visa is about to expire. Now Tom must either get a green card or leave the States—and leave Charlie behind. 

In a moment of impulsiveness, Honor agrees to help Tom with a marriage of convenience—and make her ex jealous in the process. But juggling a fiancé, hiding out from her former best friend and managing her job at the family vineyard isn't easy. And as sparks start to fly between Honor and Tom, they might discover that their pretend relationship is far too perfect to be anything but true love….

Review:

Back in 2009-2010, Sarah from SBTB and Jane from DA created a campaign to "Save the Contemporary."

It is books like this one that make me feel their time and energy was wasted and contemporary romance should have died out or get to the nadir of the genre and re-invent itself without help from bloggers or readers.

I'm sick and tired of heroines in contemporary romances that hit a magical age (27-35) and becomes a frantic mess because their life plans are not working out for them. Most of the time, it is their own fault, as with the case of Honor; the fact that this supposed smart woman could not see she was nothing but booty call for Brogan after 17 years says more about her intelligence than any degree from Columbia or Wharton. The author kept telling the reader that Honor was all these wonderful things: loving, smart, loyal, open hearted, and logical to name a few. Yet Honor kept making piss poor decisions and cruel judgments. Honor was such a weak ass doormat of a character. She was the biggest damn hypocrite in the book, and considering the other characters, that is saying something. For example, she mentioned often about Tom's drinking, but he never drank and drove, unlike Honor. Also, the author liked to put Honor in humiliating situations. I felt nothing but hatred for Honor, so those situations didn't work to inspire pity in me. Quite frankly, Honor didn't need a HEA - she needed a shrink and work that was removed from the family business. (more on the family in bit)

Tom, our "hero", was not exactly the great guy, but he wasn't nearly as bad as Honor. I felt myself warming up to him towards the end, despite his near constant thoughts about sluts, slutty clothes, sex, sex, and sex. Tom's favorite word was slutty. It got old real quick. And he was the biggest misogynist - naming the group of female students in his class the Barbarian Horde for example.

The real problem I had with this story was the utter lack of chemistry between Honor and Tom. Honor fell in love with Tom just a month after swearing she was in love with her booty call of 17 years, Brogan. Right.....

Then there was the secondary characters. Honor's family is one big dysfunctional mess. Any scene with the family set my teeth on edge. It wasn't funny or cute, it was inappropriate or mean. But I especially loathe the grandmother (named Goggy, for some reason that was never mentioned in the story) and Honor's older sister Pru (whose sexual inappropriateness bordered on pathological). I found no humor in this book, a selling point made in numerous reviews I read before downloading. I hated the constant use of Honor's eggs (as in eggs in her ovaries) giving out commentary; towards the end, when Honor started to talk back to the eggs, I felt like throwing my NOOK across the room. Tom's side characters were no better and honestly, they all repulsed me.

Then there was the special section where Honor, feeling sorry for herself and throwing a massive self-pity party, goes off on Faith (younger sister) and Faith's epilepsy. Honor believed no one in the family got on Faith about her flaws because she had an "occasional seizure." Honor also believed that Faith faked her illness more often to get sympathy. As an epileptic myself, I wish I had an "occasional seizure." I wish I didn't have them daily, despite medications and avoidance of triggers. If Faith did have her epilepsy under control, it is because she has to work damn hard and lots of overtime to keep it under control. I feel like the author used a medical condition/disability that can't be seen by the naked eye (unless you are having an episode at that moment) as fair game for a punching bag when she would not have the balls to do that with a visible disability.

No, I do not want to read anymore more of this series or anything else by this author. 0 stars.

And yes, I know it is still March. I got bored and finished homework early, so I started on my reading list for April. Finished a novella already and working on this crap fest. If the romance genre is supposed to be about women writing about women in a positive way, why do I get stuck with such bullshit women-hating contemporary romances? This author comes highly recommended. For example (NOOK p. 25-26):

But then, by the end of the second week, he suddenly had thirty-six students jammed into the little classroom. Each on of these new students was female, ranging in age from eighteen to possibly fifty-five. Suddenly, an astonishing array of girls and women had decided that mechanical engineering (whatever that was) had become their new passion in life.

The clothes were a bit of a problem. Tight, trashy, low-cut, low-riding, inappropriate. Tom tended to teach to the wall in the back of the room, not wanting to make eye contact with the hungry gazes of seventy-eight percent of his class.

Such utter bullshit. I had female officers in my squadron who held engineering degrees (of various civil engineering concentrations), many graduating with honors and awards for their work at home and on deployment. They most certainly can tell you what mechanical engineering is all about.

Commence hate read for April 2015.