Since my 'mock the really horrible books' reviews are so popular, I'll read as much crap as I can until the next year. (And some comics because I have to stay on top of that TBR list! Also, I'd like to keep somewhat sane, thank you very much!)
Today, I bring to you either the mistery or mystery of the lost planet. The cover claims mistery, and inside, it's titled: "The mystery of the Lost Planet."
It's pretty bad regardless. The best thing to come out of this is I can now yell this at the fog: "Oh, no, it's the MISTery!" Only I'll get it, but I'll giggle like crazy. This will be funny to me for years.
Let's investigate this planet:
"Alan and Eva hour back down on an uninhibited planet."
Hour. Are. Same thing, right?
"At the greenish gray sky shone aquamarine sun, under which the purple grass pastures grazed glots."
Y'know, as horrible as this sentence was, I kinda got it. I basically understood it - until that last word.
"His instinct, they had a strong enough."
Instinct should be will here? I dunno anymore.
"Swallowing could hear the buzzing of the flies a kilometer away."
So far, we've only met Alan and Eva, and they don't really come into play at all. So I'm assuming Swallowing is a third character we will never hear about again, because that seems likely in this story.
"Who and how to combine them so could such consistent body which energy force another world?"
That question mark is appropriate because I'm so, so confused.
"Shot it gorgeous laser beams, one shot is enough to demolish five-story building."
Gorgeous and destructive. Those laser beams have got it all going on! I feel like gorgeous is incredibly out of place in this sentence.
"The researchers were also sets of chemicals for artificial creation of the water, as well as three non-large size nuclear installations designed for 50 years of continuous operation successfully replace electricity generators."
So, the researchers are: researchers, sets of chemicals, and small nuclear installations. That's a lot of things to be at once. That sentence goes on for way too long. And becomes word salad towards the end. Finally, why wouldn't you use small or medium instead of 'non-large' which is far less specific?
"Will the survivor, as the sun went out a group of earthlings, to survive in it, or will they have to seek refuse in other worlds."
I'd think on other worlds would be more comfortable.
"Spread a bed on a semblance clamshell Eve immediately fell asleep soundly."
Sleeping on a semblance of a clamshell seems as uncomfortable as living in another world.
"hair and nail growth stopped completely, and the necessary oxygen content provided on-board the spacecraft computer, whose task, was not only to provide auto piloting of th ship after exiting hyperspace, but continuously take readings of the parameters of vital cryogenic camera functions and increase or decrease the flow of essential elements ."
Yes, the h at the beginning is not capitalized and the space between the s and the period at the end is there in the text. Also, this sentence proves that you can drone on and on and make less sense than in your shorter sentences.
"The glow was caused by a large amount of natural satellites Dong."
All I can see if large, penis shaped satellites. Or satellites with dildos.
Oh, the planet's name is Donga - still seeing dicks - and you mean Donga's natural satellites.
"They opened my eyes to see the horrific picture."
So, I can't be one hundred percent sure, but I think this has all been in third person. Also, I see someone prying eyes open ala Clockwork Orange.
"...the car space..."
So far there's only been mention of shuttles and space ships. Wouldn't a car space be impractical?
"Alan lighting put on a space suit, and helped to put on Eve, then quickly shot off brackets, and a shuttle to the settlers for cutting vertically soared into orbit Dong to take the Final decision on the continuation of the mission or its completion."
He put on the space suit, then Eve? Wouldn't putting on Eve, then the space suit be more logical? Why's he putting on Eve? So much mystery! Also, I guess it's Eve, not Eva?
"They met their intelligent robot Pills..."
Why did they make robots who were pills? Couldn't they have programmed chill robots?
"Cybernetic organism spoke excellent English and know the most popular to solar collapse 100 languages, which he downloaded periodically by connecting via onto fiber system of high-speed internet in the world j-pong."
Which is why they never speak because nothing here is written in excellent English.
And no, I have no fucking clue what a j-pong is. It never gets mentioned again, much like poor Swallowing, or the first person narrator who never shows up again.
"..and there were about 100. More specifically 97."
Why wouldn't you just tell us 97 at first if you knew the exact amount?
"It is possible that their builders simply something dokrutili, because they were going at a time when it was the main robotic workshops have already been energized due to the fact that the reserves of energy remaining after the extinction of the main luminaries of our galaxy."
Nope, no clue, guys. Just none.
"Suddenly the ship was torn to pieces."
I CAN UNDERSTAND IT!!!! It's anticlimactic as hell, but I understood what would happen.
The last sentence is, "The Mission had failed."
I'm pretty disappointed by that ending, but also just relieved it's over, so.... Yeah, more relieved. And yet, I laughed so much reading this, I also went looking for something that rivaled this for incompressibility and it's just not easy to search for on Amazon.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BULLSHIT, ABORT, ABORT!
My mind was screaming this at me, and now I think it's still mad at me over a week later for having finished this bullshit. It wants to be a parody of TMNT which was a parody of comics.
Are we getting meta enough for you?
The thing is, Deadpool gets to feel this way quite often and it's brilliant and hilarious. Instead, this was dumb.