The book, ladies and gentlemen: (I very much tried to make everything chronological. Anything that isn't, such as Josie whining about acting or whenever the Professor decides to grace the world with his presence, is completely due to my lack of remembrance and also my utter lack of desire to go back through the entire book, rather than skimming for the important bits, as I am already doing.)
Plumfield: If everybody could just stop acting in plays here, that'd be great.
Nan: ERMAGERSH I WANT TO BE A SINGLE DOCTOR LEAVE ME ALONE TOM
Tom: But I love you.
Me: Damn, they'd be a cute couple.
Mrs. Jo: I shall sit down for a few quiet minutes of writing.
Random citizens: LET'S MOB THE AUTHOR, DEMAND AUTOGRAPHS, AND STEAL SMALL TRINKETS.
Mrs. Jo: I've had just about enough of this. *pretends to be a maid*
Observant fanatic: WHY YOU MUST BE THAT AUTHOR.
Mrs. Jo: *objects on principle that she's pretending to be a maid*
Observant fanatic: No, you're not. Your picture is right there, on the side table.
Mrs. Jo: *sullen glare*
Josie: *whines about acting*
Mrs. Jo: STOP TRYING TO MAKE "ACTING" HAPPEN, JOSIE. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
All the ladies: *swoon*
Me: Oh, wow, these next two chapters are boring.
Ted: I'll just try and kill this here dog. For fun. Because I suck.
Rob: *gets bit defending dog and might get rabies from Don, who probably doesn't have rabies but how are they to know that?*
Don: *definitely has rabies*
Nan: Why are the women always fixing your messes? Oh, that's right, because we're better than you are. Ugh.
Professor: I say, what a jolly good joke.
Mrs. Jo: Hahahahahahahaha, why aren't we punishing Ted, dearest?
Professor: Because I'm a worthless character. I'm not even sure why I'm in this book or why you're married to me. *chortles*
Mrs. Jo: Oh. Right.
Josie: *almost drowns but totally succeeds in getting an actress to watch her act at a later date*
Josie: Totes worth it. *coughs up water*
Josie: *tries to act*
Miss Cameron: You're cute but I don't hold out much hope for your acting abilities.
Miss Cameron: *glorifies Shakespeare*
Me: *le sigh*
Tom: Um. I fear I have accidentally gotten myself engaged.
Mrs. Jo: WHA-
Tom: BUT SHE'S PRETTY, SO IT'S OKAY. I'M OKAY. IT'S FINE.
Mrs. Jo: I'm sorry, wha-
Tom: No, really. I'm embarrassed, sure, and lamenting that Nan isn't jealous, but I can live with this.
Mrs. Jo: But how on earth did you manage to get "accidentally" engaged?
Tom: It involved bicycles.
Me: Well, there goes that ship.
Demi: *gets a job or something but no one really cares*
Emil: I'm so THANKFUL that I got shipwrecked with this gorgeous girl who I got to save and spend all this time with because we literally got shipwrecked, and yeah sure, there are other people on this tiny boat but the important bit is that we're totally getting engaged by the end of this book all thanks to this shipwreck. #BESTSHIPWRECKEVER
Dan: *kills someone*
Professor: *chortles* (Of course, he couldn't have known that Dan killed someone. There was something amusing in the paper.)
Dan: *rots in prison*
Nat: *does something musically inclined over the New Year or something but no one really cares*
Plumfield: SERIOUSLY WHAT'S WITH ALL THE PLAYS?
Chapter 16: All I am is flirting.
Mrs. Jo: There'll be none of-
Chapter 16: FLIRT
Mrs. Jo: -that.
Chapter 16: YOU CAN'T STOP THE FLIRT.
Mrs. Jo: *glares*
Chapter 16: *whimpers*
Chapter 17: I am a large sewing circle and some education and I am all about the girls yay! *feebly waves flag*
Chapter 18: Um, I'm not really sure what "Class Day" is all about, but Emil comes back here, announcing his engagement so that's cool.
Dan: I am home. And also damaged. But maybe a better person? Hard to tell.
Dan: Also, I think I am in love with Bess.
Me: They would also be a cute couple. Maybe if they got together, this book wouldn't have been the biggest waste of my time.
Mrs. Jo: Oh, dear heavens, no. Her mum isn't fond of you.
Dan: *spends years loving Bess, his guiding star, until he dies*
Louisa's ghost: Haha, did you see what I did there? Any hope you ever had of anyone getting together with whom they should get together DIED along with Dan hahaha.
Me: Go away, you're dead.
Louisa's ghost: AND SO'S YOUR HOPE. *fades away laughing manically*