This isn't the warm and fuzzy 1965 version of the Sound of Music but a bloody-awful parody of it that will make you laugh at just how bad it is! Maria von Trapp is a bloodthirsty vampire. When Maria is kicked out of the Abbey run by Mother Zombie where she’s been residing for the past thousand or so years, she lands a job caretaking the family von Trapp, a rowdy clan in need of some serious discipline… or vampirification. After Maria turns the von Trapp children into children of the night and ma This isn't the warm and fuzzy 1965 version of the Sound of Music but a bloody-awful parody of it that will make you laugh at just how bad it is! Maria von Trapp is a bloodthirsty vampire. When Maria is kicked out of the Abbey run by Mother Zombie where she’s been residing for the past thousand or so years, she lands a job caretaking the family von Trapp, a rowdy clan in need of some serious discipline… or vampirification. After Maria turns the von Trapp children into children of the night and marries the von Trapp patriarch, the family seems destined for eternal (really, really eternal) bliss. But Hitler’s Undeath Squads are on the march, intent on ridding Europe of bloodsuckers. And Maria will have to do everything in her power—supernatural or otherwise —to save her vampire brood. Not everyone likes this book based on some of the reviews; "Goldsher's humor is juvenile and vulgar." "This book has the potential to be recycled as toilet paper." "This one was one of the worst books I have ever read." "Completely... stupid." "It ended up amounting to a badly-written colossal waste of time." "This book sucked!" "This book would only be acceptable at a book burning!" and they are all right but that is what makes this book one of My Favorite Things (Fangs)! Cinnamon said, "We've tried to be friends for realsies, but she's proven to be, well, a problem." Brandi said, "A big problem," Cinnamon said, "You see, Vampire Sister Maria is a bit of a flibbertijibbet." Mother Zombie said, "What in the Devil's name is a flibbertijibbet?" Brandi explained, "A whore." "Ah," Mother Zombie said, "Flibbertijibbet. Whore. Makes sense to me. I'm not sure how Hammerstein would feel about it, but you know, fick him." "I'll answer that with a question, Vampiress: What are your favorite things?" "That's easy: Blood drops on roses and bloody-nosed kittens, and ..." Another raspberry, "Zzzzzzzz! Besides, if the evolution of art means taking a perfectly boring movie musical and turning it into an even more boring book, I'd rather die for good." This book is for mature audiences that have a sense of humor and don't mind sex, swearing, gore and vomit.

 

As I was not yet writing reviews when I read this book, I don't have reviews for each of the short stories included in this anthology. So here are my ratings; if I ever reread the book, I intend to add reviews.

★★★☆☆ Sweets to the Sweet by Robert Bloch
★★★☆☆ The Father-Thing by Philip K. Dick
★★★☆☆ The Distributor by Richard Matheson
★★★☆☆ A Warning to the Curious by M.R. James
★★★★☆ Opening the Door by Arthur Machen
★★★★★ The Colour Out of Space by H.P. Lovecraft
★★★★★ The Inner Room by Robert Aicken
★★☆☆☆ Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne
★★★☆☆ The Rats in the Walls by H.P. Lovecraft
★★☆☆☆ The Dog Park by Dennis Etchison
★★★☆☆ The Animal Fair by Robert Bloch
★★★★☆ The Pattern by Ramsey Campbell
★★★★☆ The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe
★★★☆☆ An Occurrence at Owl-Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce
★★★★☆ The Human Chair by Edogawa Rampo

I've decided to add this to GR. Been circling around this one for ages, unsure if I should show it to my fellow dark fiction readers.

 

 

So today, after chatting with Beth, I had this sudden urge to recommend her this piece of short fiction on captivity since she seems to love stuff of this nature.

 

Therefore I dig around my safe and was ever so glad I could still manage to locate it. Went online to edit a Book Cover for it and slap it on GR to show my love for this story.

 

Do you like the cover?

 

 

Just a simple one is better than none right? :D

You can click on the cover to jump to the story page or click this link here.

 

 

 

About the Story:

Since I've read this eons ago, I can't be writing up a proper review of it now unless I reread it again of which I might, since I have been missing it a little and it's short - very short.

 

What I can still remember is that this story is dark, disturbing and depraved. It might not be a masterpiece or professionally written but the concept and the story is gripping to me. At least, I could still remember it after years. And it still managed to disturb me whenever I think of it.

 

This story really isn't for everyone tho. It's sort of those 'acquired taste' thing.

There will be those who wouldn't feel for it. And yet some would feel strongly about it.

As it is super short, those who seeks for the value of character development and world building would definitely find none here. It's just a fanciful story, a fantasy for those who enjoy moments of wrongfulness and finding small thrills out of the horror created by such dark premise. Many of us are fascinated with how an insane or evil being mind works and the incomprehensible things they are capable of such as the permanent torture imposed on the protagonist of this story.

Since the story is just a narration of the protagonist (victim), we wouldn't be getting the POV of the antagonist (kidnapper). It's mainly the victim's re-accounting his predicament and longings due to his forced solitary.

Hence, if you are a forced captivity and dark fiction aficionados this might appeal to you.

 

 

 

 

Story Tags: M/m, voyeurism, D/s, B/D, slavery, bondage, chastity belt, realistic, noncon, Extreme, Heavy, Serious

 

 

Review posted on Dark Faerie Tales.My Favorite Fangs is a quirky twist of The Sound of Music, by Alan Goldsher. I was really curious about the story behind the cover, only because The Sound of Music is a childhood staple of mine. The concept of vampire Von Trapps? Count me in!Maria has lived a long life in Austria, living in the Abbey of the Dead, with her fellow sisters. Unfortunately, Mother Zombie (Superior) has had enough of Maria’s crazy quirks and antics and has wanted to banish her from the abbey. Well, I wouldn’t just call them crazy quirks, she is oversexed and clearly does not behave as the other immortals. Mother Zombie has sent out Maria to become a governess. To match Maria’s personality, she will govern the Von Trapp family, who have their own interesting set of personalities.The Von Trapps are wealthy, spoiled, and unruly, and I think those were their best qualities. Things get out of hand and Maria turns one of the Von Trapp children into a vampire, and the fun begins. Lady Barroness makes an appearance, and has quickly become enemies with Maria. Goldsher added a lot of his own individuality into My Favorite Fangs, and this version is definitely for the more adult crowd.Maria the vampire version is a little different from the pop culture Maria that I grew up with. Unfortunately, I was constantly comparing the two. This Maria was blunt and without shame, overly sexed and nothing like a saint. She was witty and someone you do not want to get on their bad side. Her arguments, well that’s a tame word for it, with Lady Baroness was hilarious.I wasn’t connected to a lot of the characters and I felt that I should have been. I didn’t connect to the Baron, first of all. He wasn’t charming or even someone that I would pretend to like. I didn’t understand the attraction that Maria and the Lady Baroness had for him. The children were amusing, but I didn’t care for them as much as I should have. Which is too bad. I felt that they were too spoiled, but I think that was the point.Goldsher definitely put his own spin into this ever so popular culture story. He creates this world that is so different from its former self, yet he makes sure to include the familiar and important pieces. Unfortunately, while some scenes were amazing and exciting, I felt that others were not and fell short. There were scenes that I found myself skimming through. I wasn’t connected to a lot of the characters and I felt that I should have been.Goldsher spared no expense when it came to the dialogue. I felt that Maria and the characters had a more adult vocabulary, and while at times I felt that it was a little too much, other times it was perfect and entertaining. There are so many jokes within the story, many referencing its story counterpart.