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text 2018-03-09 16:38
Mental Health & Thankfulness [3/9/18]
TW: I talk about suicide and mental health.
I'm thankful for a lot of things, and of course the obvious things you would think of, family, friends, that I am even alive...etc. But it is hard to remember some things when you are going through mental health stuff, and I am going through it every day.
Some days are worse, some days are better. It is a life long battle. Chronic pain also contributes. So every day I am trying to think of something I am thankful for that day, even if it is the smallest, sometimes (in your opinion maybe) weirdest thing!
I am thankful that today I was able to buy (Yes, it is a material thing) an audiobook from Audible. The daily deal was a book I liked a lot and the price was %80 off (If I did the math right). Books are my happy place a lot of the time. I do have this most annoying thing that my mental health does and it contributes to me not being able to focus or read, but when I can read, it really makes me feel happy. It is an escapism.
I'm not going to stop talking about mental health. I'm not seeking attention or pity. Mental health needs to be normalized and we should not penalize someone who goes through it. It is a serious health condition that does, and can result in death.
Suicide is often a side effect of someone suffering with mental health conditions. It is horrible and sad, but it is the ugly truth. Suicide is not weakness, nor someone being selfish. True, In some cases there are people who do it who might not have mental health problems, but I think if you get so far gone that you kill yourself, there is some form of mental health disorder at play, maybe not. We can't know for sure. You should not judge that person; you are not in their shoes.
In some cases, I believe people who are suicide victims probably never had the support they needed, nobody to talk to, or nobody took them seriously. People will tell children they are just in a phase or trying to get attention. They grow into an adult who probably has a worse time, because they never got help as a kid. A traumatic event can cause mental health problems in any stage of life.
If someone suddenly seems to have depression, doesn't mean they are making it up. Even doctors will tell someone they are fine, nothing is wrong. Not all doctors know everything. Nobody knows everything.
Mental health is a illness. There isn't a cure. There are ways of managing/coping, but no cure. We need to be able to talk about it. It is never good to bottle things inside. Despite how much I post awareness or talk about it in person, I bottle so much more inside which ends up in an explosion. We need to express more.
Stop saying we're selfish and attention seeking for talking about our health problems. Would you yell at someone with cancer for updating you on their condition? I just don't get why mental health has this stigma. This goes for other invisible illnesses as well.
I'm strong. I'm valid. I'm beautiful. I'm worth it. Mental health, you tell me I am not these things every day, but I am.
What are you thankful for today?
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text 2018-03-07 20:03
I'm Thankful for... [March 7 2018]

I am thankful for my ability to read, even though I have a really hard time focusing a lot. There are some who can not read at all, for various reasons. I also can't wrap my head around those who dislike reading. It is traveling, being someone else, having adventures, living many lives and experiencing different ways of living different from your own. What are you thankful for?


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I've talked about it on my Facebook, on my Youtube channel and even here:

Depression, social anxiety, chronic pain, possible autism, among other "glitches" la di da, di da... I want to remember what I am thankful for on a day to day basis, despite the bad. We all need to remember what we're thankful for; who knows it might brighten your day a little.


There are days where I just don't know why I am here. Like, what is the point? I do think about death, wish it at times. I honestly believe people would be better off without me. I have these feelings and worse during my darkest hours.


I feel stuck. I can't see a future because sometimes I doubt I will be able to have one other than what I have now. Stuck. Useless. A burden. A no good person who is lazy and doesn't work. I think those things, but does my husband think that? Does my mom? Anyone in my family? My husband says he doesn't think that and he never resents having to "take care of me" because he knows and understands why I am this way. I honestly can't understand how he couldn't resent me or think of me as a burden.


That all aside...


I do have "good" days, or moments of happiness during a day I'm feeling crappy. However, I second guess myself: Is this "happy?" Am I happy right now? I can't understand my own feelings because I'm so used to being "under the weather." Under the weather? That is kind of how I might put it if someone asks how I am. People get tired of hearing the same old "Belly-aching" and some people still don't believe depression & anxiety are a real and serious condition.


My normal response.


"I'm fine, just a bit under the weather."


"How have you been?"


"Oh good. Okay. I'm Alive. Not much to complain about."


My answers are usually very vague.


Another thing I just want to add on. Personal boundaries... You might be a good friend, or a family member. I could know you well, or not well at all (despite being family even). We might bump into each other somewhere. It is nice to see you, but small talk really freaks me out, gives me anxiety. Please don't think badly of me if I act weird or seem rude. 9 times out of 10 I do not want to hug you, unless we're super close. You should know if we are. I just don't like it. It's uncomfortable. It is nothing personal. You might not understand it, but sometimes it physically hurts.


Even my husband knows; no light touches. It's uncomfortable and even hurts in certain places. If you want to rub my arm or back, firmly, no spiderweb-like caresses.


I don't know what this post is... just word vomit, I guess.


Remember to find something to be thankful for every day, even if it is a small thing.


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Photo Credit: Mine. I found a diary from when I was 12. When I thought I was Harriet the Spy. Thanks to this book and the movie that followed. I have dyslexia. My hand writing is/was horrible and my spelling/grammar was worse. I feel like it is better these days, but not all the time.

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review 2018-01-22 16:11
Some pain solutions
Overcoming Chronic Pain (Overcoming Books) - Frances Cole

So you've acquired a pain, it's lasted for more than three months, congratulations, you now have chronic pain. Your choices are limited, feel sorry for yourself and fall into a pit of despair or cope with it, this book presents coping mechanisms and ways to work with what is quite a common invisible disability.

Interesting and worth a read through if you have issues like this, it did feel a bit pat occasionally but that's possibly tone not coming through in text.

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url 2018-01-19 06:12
The Immortal Lover
This incredibly handsome man with versicolored hair is like none other. His capability to enhance a woman; mortal or immortal is what has made him a legend before the creation of our world. He takes love but rarely, sincerely gives it. His hands and lips are sweltering hot but his heart is cold as ice. His heart is unable to be captured for it belongs to another. One he has sought since he lost her.
Down through the ages of human history his name has been heard and often feared. He's know by many names; king of hell, demon, destroyer, all which is wrong with the world. But many has known him in a different light. A tender light. He's the legendary lover that legends are made from. Many believe he may had been Casanova, himself or most definitely Don Juan. Some say he's actually Eros. But a few have known for sure and lived to tell the story. Few knows his heavenly name is Azazael. Most knows hm by his terrifying fallen name; which is Azazel.

After his fall from Grace he was thrown into hell. He became the epitome age old adage, "Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over." For that's exactly what Azazel did. Took over and made himself the king of hell. He ruled the cthulhu realms with a relentless iron fist, he dethroned the lord of darkness and reign supreme for eons upon eons. He built cities, added structure. Turned hell not into a place of punishment if one obeyed him. Hell was no longer a place of punishment as to why heaven puled him out. Hell is supposed to be a place of punishment.

During his diabolical reign, there was one thing his heart never grew cold to and that was the love of his second wife whom he lost before falling from Grace. The severity of his many imprisonments and divine mind erasures have left his mind foggy to what she looked like but he remember her tender love for him. Driving her away has been his only regret.
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