... No really, it is.
I have recently completed the diagnostic test for PTSD. That cutoff score being 38 points.... anything above that is a PTSD.
I scored 56.
So not only do I have clinical depression I have PTSD which exacerbate that and the associated anxiety disorder.
This means, lots of time with a psychologist going through my worst memories and moments. Breaking them down, coming to terms with it and being emotionally wrecked afterwards.
Honestly? I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. I'm worried about what it will do to me personally, I'm worried what stresses it will give my wife. I'm worried just plain and simple.
I have been voraciously reading though. I rediscovered Andy McDermitt's Nina WIlde and Eddie CHase series of archaeological thrillers and I've been devouring them. I'm back at work part time while this all continues and I'm smoking again.
Smoking will kill me, I completely agree, but smoking will kill me in 20+ years. My brain will kill me right now if it gets the chance. I'm on the mend but it's going to take time and perseverance. I hope I'm strong enough, because if I'm not... I'm fucked.