Gah, I hate feeling so conflicted. It's draining. Today just really given me a beating on so many levels. It's utterly ridiculous. Between being sick to my stomach to the point I nearly passed out on the street to getting lost on my way to write my job test. Honestly there's been so many highs and lows that I just asdfghjkl. And now more drama. I just don't get it anymore. I try to be fair but I've realized knowing the whole story is better. Should have just stuck to my motto. *sighs*

So now I'm just bowing out of any drama now of that subject. Because honestly its not fair to me or my stomach (I get in SUCH big knots about it and all that ugly stuff). And I'm just tired of it.

On another note, I'm rather hopeful for the possibility of being called back for an interview for that position I wrote the test for, but who knows. At least my getting lost to the building hopefully won't go unrewarded? And hopefully my gut instincts triumph again lol. I'll keep you in the loop everyone once I know. :DDD

And that exam that I didn't really have ANY time to study for? Well, I think I did quite alright on it. I was surprised. And thankful, considering I was seriously not in the mood for it on several accounts AND had to get up at 6am on a Saturday AND had a problem this morning (upset stomach due to nerves)...I'm very pleased by the turn of events rofl.

Now just have an essay to finish for Monday (I know, not too much time left there gurl rofl) and my final exam which is on the 22nd but it is a take-home that I'll receive Tuesday.

I still can't believe I'm nearly done with university completely. It's rather sad. Hell, I was getting teary-eyed just walking around campus. I plan to visit again, since it provides rather lovely inspiration for my stories--well anywhere does really. :3

Until next time, I have an essay to write in the meantime, but I'll be posting snippets of my novella ChosenOne perhaps in the next few days maybe once I have time. o: 

I love how MIA I've been on here (or anywhere in general). It honestly sucks. But it's my last year and semester of university. And to be honest, I don't get much time to do my work during the week (I've been actually doing homework IN CLASS to make up for time, don't copy me please, I'm just terrible... >_<; ). Ironically this is without working at a job either. And yet I'm still somehow behind....just really now? =_="

Although I think I've just reached a point where I haven't truly taken a break or a breather from this stuff. I'm like always working on them no matter what I'm doing. I don't enjoy doing other things because these assignments and essays are always on my mind. Hell, it makes it even harder for me to sleep, much less focus on them hence i get distracted easily somewhat. It's utterly annoying really. Almost like I sink into a state that makes me irritated by anything that just adds to my aggravated state of mind in the moment.

On another note, I will be singing high praise once I'm free and will likely cry. And eager, eager to resume my designs on my stories as well as get a job and just work the summer away (I'd love one that won't impact my writing too much). But most of all, I'd love to go somewhere and just de-stress myself completely.

I know I don't talk a lot about my own problems or personal life or anything...mostly because I feel like I'm just complaining or whatever, but honestly, I feel as if I do more than I'm given credit for, and there's huge amounts of pressure on whatever it'd be that I know I'll never amount to what people expect of me.

I'm only human.

And this human honestly wants a break from reality.

Then again doesn't everyone?

I'm only writing this because I just HAD to get it out, especially since my professor had spoken of an very interesting writing experiment that happened to her in her undergrad days.  Her creative writings professor had the entire class take out a piece of paper and write down on it the worse thing that has ever happened to you--this would remain private mind you, and they did remain private.  The next class, he had divided everyone into two different sections--those that didn't have it as bad, and those that went through some pretty serious stuff. Then he posed the question:

What is the best kind of writer in general?

And sure enough chaos ensued as a result of the debatical.

Yet I've been reading and coming across posts and books and whatnot that really does pertains to the question of--who's the best to write x story?  Does it come down to...research? Imagination? First hand experiences? Or what? Exactly what does one need in order to write something without falling flat on your face in the process with those that have actually lived through it? Or those that are rather knowledgeable about x geography or x area of expertise.

There are many factors that contribute to this.

Sure, those with experiences first hand will be able to write said story better than those that have never experienced it. Like for me...I'm hearing impaired, and I can't say how many times I've been asked how it works, how much can I hear, can I do sign language, can you read lips, are you deaf?--the list goes on and on...I've heard all of them at least one time or repeatedly, both the bad and the good. So yeah, I'll have more of an advantage over someone that isn't hearing impaired or deaf, or has not experienced a hearing loss. But lots of research and getting to know the systematics and talking and befriending those that live with it, can certainly open your mind to the possibilities and provide insight into a world that you've never been a part of before.

Doing a story in a different part of the world? Use maps to get the geographical aspects right. Especially when you may have a reader that lives there, going "well that place isn't located there but in x blocks further" or something of the sort. Or even historically-wise, research deep and well about the subject to reassure your history buffs that you're not just writing because the time period is "cool". Nothing more of a fail when you include a certain kind of clothing style in the wrong time period (unless there's a specific reason behind it, like time-travel or something).

I could go on and on about this, and there's many examples, I'm sure, that are out there that when you read and you're scratching your head wondering, "....did they really do their research?"

Now back to my essays, hence cutting this short, sorry. >_<;

I've answered this before I believe, but I'm just going to post this in general, my thoughts on what is bullying?

So what is bullying?

Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively impose domination over others. The behaviour is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power. Behaviours used to assert such domination can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly towards particular targets. Justifications and rationalizations for such behaviour sometimes include differences of class, race, religion, gender, sexuality, appearance, behaviour, body language, personality, reputation, lineage, strength, size or ability. If bullying is done by a group, it is called mobbing. "Targets" of bullying are also sometimes referred to as "victims" of bullying.

(from wikipedia btw)

I'll say it again--bullying is not a word to throw around lightly.

It is something quite serious, one that affects every victim differently. Or rather everyone in general that are involved and/or aware of the situation. I can't say how many times I've watched others simply ignore it and accept it like its an everyday life thing or something that kids do--it is not normal nor something ANYONE should be doing, regardless of the reason.

I've been victim for several years and yeah, it got to the point where I was forever repeating a mantra of "survived another day...only x more days until graduation".

Hence most of the time, I was like this daily. 

On my constant guard, and not really knowing what was going to happen next or when it would happen. It's a terrifying experience in a nutshell that no one should even be bestowed upon another. And quite frankly, I've lost count how many times this has happened to me...let alone how many actual bullies I've encounter in my lifetime.

It's also ridiculous with how things are handled. Most people that do state they'll do something about it are mostly all bark. At least from how I witnessed and experienced it firsthand. Any signs of trouble there's a mentally of "fight or flight"--most always did choose the easier way, while I stayed and defended victims myself. There was nothing really for me to lose, I was already a target regardless, I wasn't about to let someone else become a constant target.

Despite this, I did survive, and it was thanks to reading and writing along with my family and what little friends I did have.

It's hard and its traumatic and it leaves behind invisible scars, but you'll survive and find the people that matter the most and are worth all those years of torment.

That's probably one of the most beautiful things about being human, at least to me, is surviving.

And the most bravest thing sometimes is telling your tale, regardless how painful it is reliving those memories, because there's a warmth waiting at the end of it--one that reminds you how lucky we are to be alive.

Now onto the ugly stuff of this post.

This is largely why I just get angry and frustrated when "omfg im being bullied by x" is thrown around so easily these days, especially on the net. Anonymity is both a gift and a curse combined. There will always be the good and the bad. The best you can do is hold your ground because for most of these "trolls" its because they're bored and you're an easy target. 

I know this because of an experience I had not too long ago that was really serious.

This happened on a chatsite that is now gone, by the way. 

There was this "troll" that was being a major pain, and heckling everyone--especially some friends of mine, and I had enough--and all sorts of nasty stuff, so naturally I stepped in. And it worked...for a while. I was able to fend off said troll, until something happened. Something was said and he grabbed onto it. Before I knew it, I was being harassed to the four corners of that site. And others joined in the "fun". 

Oh the irony.

The fact that others joined in like it was a game shows how corrupted we've become in terms of bullying with anonymity.

I've read somewhere on tumblr that really struck a cord with me. Lemme see if I can find it. EDIT: I cannot find the post, BUT it went something like this:

"Anon hate that truly affects you happens because it reflects your own insecurities" 

or at least something to that affect.

The fact that this rings so clearly in my mind is truly frightening. Sometimes you're told something so many times that you begin to believe it. This is psychological trauma people. And something found highly common in regards to bullying of any kind.  I've never gotten anon hate on tumblr or anywhere (except that random time on one review that was like out of nowhere, and that was due to a conflicting opinion and I was the unlucky sucker to get the punch, oh well).

ANYWAYS back to the story, so sorry for my ramblings. >_<;

I'm sure you can guess what happened next with all this.

If you guessed: It got worse --you're right.

Entirely worse and worse to the point I was reduced to tears. I did everything I could. I blocked (but they'd relog in under a different name). I ignored, which allowed them to go after other people that tried to stop it. I tried to leave...but I didn't want them to shift their attention to someone else, and I was stubborn, I didn't want them to know they won. So I hung in there. Even when it hurt to breathe and my shirt and my surroundings were wet from my tears. Experiencing it, reminded me of my own years of torment that I endured on a daily and constant routine.

I remember asking myself--was it really this terrible?

I had forgotten how it felt--no, I never did.

But the truly, raw pain you experience when you are harassed and you can't seem to stop it no matter what you do.

That--that is what I had forgotten in the last something years, and it just merely ripped open the scars from the past, causing them to bleed anew.

I had nightmares after this by the way.

Especially since the "game" continued on for nearly 9 hours.

Yes, 9 hours, at least, of pure unadulterated hell.

And by the end of it, I was ready to leave for good. I had never felt so discouraged and worthless...among other things. It was horrid.

But its experiences like this that make me realize exactly how dark and traumatic the underground of the net truly is armed with anonymity. It is terrifyingly real.

A friend of mine attempted (and when I say "attempted" I mean he really did try with good intentions) to stop it, unfortunately his plan backfired. He hadn't realized exactly to what extent this devil spawn was hellbent on completely destroying me. Like holy smokes.

And the primary reason?

Said troll was bored.

BORED.

LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

WHAT KIND OF SICK TWISTED KID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO LOG ONTO ANY SITE AND DO THAT KIND OF NASTY SHET?!

JUST NO.

JUST HELL NO.

And was targeted mainly because I had said that I was cute (which it was true, considering so many people state that whenever they see me, HELL my friends that are girls would be constantly going on about how cute I look and whatnot), which apparently pissed off this troll something major, calling me an arrogant conceited little beyotch. My reaction was pretty much utter shock. Mostly because it just came out of nowhere. And what unfold was completely ridiculous. He just grabbed on and never let go.

He also somehow got some personal information from some douche and used it against me. I was just stunned, mortified even. Drowning in words. As an author, or anyone that uses words on a daily basis or speaks or sign or draw or however to communicate with one another, you should realize something major here.

This is only one of the countless stories of my personal experiences of being bullied, I have so many that I've lost count.

And if that's not truly bullying or cyberbullying or sheer harassment on whatever level, then I don't know what is anymore...