Dear Readers: The BSG doesn’t usually answer letters this long, but Bitter Coupled Gal has been a faithful commenter on the BSG’s blog, so he’s happy to bring her some advice.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Oh how I love coming to you for answers BSG. Your harsh reality makes well to bring out important questions and answers when emotions are involved.

My Dog-Lovin Dude and I have decided to increase our little family (as we call it) and adopt a second dog. As excited as we both are I have some apprehensions. I live in a small apartment and together with DLD and Current Pup. I know that a studio apartment for four (two humans two dogs) will only work in the short term. I have hinted to DLD that we need to consider getting a bigger place together if we adopt a second puppy (and by hint I mean blatantly stated “this will work short term but we need to consider a bigger place together for the dogs and our sanity”). When the subject is broached DLD tells me he feels a bit overwhelmed and we drop the subject for the time being.

As much as I want a second pup I’m happy to wait until we are both sure we can live together officially in the future. We technically live together now but he still has his own place, and even though he merely uses it as a storage center for his belongings, he still has his own place to go to. I know DLD had a bad experience in the past living with someone and I believe part of the apprehension is due to this. I think the other half are his own commitment issues (yes, due to fear I’m sure) and him being a Libra always has to weigh every issue back and forth. It takes us 20 minutes to pick out canned olives at times. While his careful consideration in all aspects of life do help us make accurate and smart decisions, but sometimes we don’t always have the TIME to hem and haw. We’ve been together a year now.

I’m in no real rush BSG but we were accepted to meet a foster puppy and will have to make the to adopt or not to adopt decision soon. He is thrilled at the idea of our little family as he calls it but, again, is apprehensive about discussing moving in together. I don’t want to overwhelm him but I just can’t rightly bring in a new pup unless he can see us moving forward together. How do I broach this again without coming on too strong? I don’t want him to think because we get a dog and move in together I think we’re destined for eternity together, but I do happen to see this as a commitment step. I know he must have weighed out the pros and cons about getting a dog with me, but sometimes I wonder if his excitement over a new pup is overshadowing some important conversations. I am very ready for this with him, knowing it won’t always be puppies and rainbows but am ever so willing to work on continuing a healthy relationship. OH BSG, you are a male – how would you want a female to come to you with this very important decision. ~Bitter Coupled Gal~

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Dear BCG: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates how life’s little things often end up being inextricably wrapped up in life’s bigger things. In your case, this is obviously not about whether to get a puppy or not; it’s about how your relationship is going to advance.  Nicely presented, BCG.

First, the BSG has one random point: he cringed when reading that it takes you 20 minutes to pick out canned olives. Really BCG? Canned olives? Just stop that. Buy good olives. Life’s too short. Sheesh.

OK, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Your question for the BSG is how you should approach this issue and he thinks you already have approached it.  If, in fact, your prerequisite for canine acquisition is a larger living space, you need to state that. One way to keep it from being overwhelming for Dog Loving Dude is to determine if there are options beyond the one-dog-partial-cohabitation-commitment or two-dogs-full-cohabitation-commitment. In other words, is there a way to have more space for your growing family without Dog Loving Dude freaking out?

Maybe his place is bigger and you two could spend half (or more) of your time there? Maybe he’d be willing to help you get into a bigger space while still keeping his place? In other words BCG, the BSG wants you to get Dog Loving Dude involved in the solution here.  Here’s an idea for how this could go:

“Hey DLD! Like you, I am quite pleased by our growing family of dogs and people, and the idea of adding another pup is quite neato in my opinion, but we need to figure out how to get more space for all of us. We could spend our time at your bigger pad, we could both contribute to me getting a bigger pad, or we could officially cohabitate and get rid of your pad. Which of these seems likely?”

The BSG thinks that if Dog Loving Dude isn’t willing to even have a conversation about options then you should put your *ahem* paw down and just say no to new puppies. If 20-minute-olive-choosing guy can’t step up to this conversation, the BSG says no puppy for him.

~BSG~

Dear Love Helper: I am sad and angry at the same time. My husband is constantly looking at pictures of unclothed women in magazines and wherever we go he flirts with other women. If we are at a party he ignores me and spends the whole evening talking to a pretty woman. If we are in a restaurant he flirts with the waitress or someone sitting at another table. We are only married for a year and he didn't do that when we were dating. It seemed then that he only had eyes for me and no one else existed. I find it very hard to make love to him because I feel so awful. He brushes my hurt feelings off as silly and tells me all men are like that. What can I do to convince him that my feelings count? - Gina

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Dear Gina: Most men enjoy looking at beautiful women. However, once a man falls in love and gets married, he has more than himself to consider. My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." The fact that you have told him how unhappy his behavior makes you feel, means that he either doesn't take you seriously or he doesn't care. I can't help you if he doesn't care but I can help you learn how to show him that you are serious. Make one more attempt to sit him down and tell him how deeply hurt you are when he looks at other women in a magazine or flirts with other women. Ask him how he would like it if you stared flirting and looking at other men? If he lies and says it wouldn't bother him, then you really have to question this marriage. The other thing that I want you to do in that same conversation is to tell him that the next time he stares at another woman when he is with you, you will leave immediately. Your job is to follow through. If you are at a restaurant, do not say a word, just get up and call a cab and go home. If you are at a party, ask someone if they could give you a ride home or call a cab. You have to act immediately with no more explanations. You have already told him what you would do, so in order for him to take you seriously, you have to follow through. It is the only way his behavior will change. You do not want to turn into a nag. The truth is that if he continues this behavior, you will turn into an angry, cold, bitter and unresponsive woman. A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents, there are even more sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to "party" till 4:00 a.m. but, if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking at women in magazines and flirting with strangers hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulse and do not do it! By the way, you can't stop him from looking at other women when he is not with you, but out of love and respect, he can and should not do that when he is with you. As for the pictures, if he truly cares about your happiness, then he will get rid of them as well. - Dr. Love Helper

This is part 2 of my post on getting numbers and setting up dates. Read part 1 here. I’m going to present three of my interactions and describe why they worked or didn’t work.

Before I launch into it, I want to say a few words on Calibration. Calibration is your sense of how a person is going to react to the things you say and do. The more interactions you have and the more experience you accumulate, the better you’re calibrated and the better you can respond to the other person. Calibration is pretty much fundamental to game, and every social artist will tell you to do thousands of approaches until your calibration is finely tuned. For me, this is where pickup becomes an art form…human interactions go from being awkward, clunky communications to highly interesting (and fun) exchanges. In fact, I want to go a step further and say that an interaction can become transcendent when you have two people with great game communicating with each other.

Why am I ranting about calibration? Because being properly calibrated is key to all of the pickups I’m about to talk about.

The Hot Poker Player

I was having a drink at a local hangout with Spontaneous, one of my wings in New Mexico. We were seated at the bar. There was a multi-table Texas Hold’em tournament going on in the background. During a break in the action, a hot chick with big cans pulled up next to me and ordered a beer. She bore a striking resemblance to Amanda Bynes, except with much bigger ta-tas. I opened her with, “Hey, how are the cards going?”

We BS’ed for a moment, she got her beer and went back to the table. A few minutes later she came back to the bar. I kept my back to her. Spontaneous was facing me and looking right at the girl, so I knew he could read her if she was giving me a proximity IOI. Spontaneous confirmed that she checked me out. It was on.

I waited about 15 minutes then walked to her table and re-opened. This was a break between rounds, so the players were just hanging out and a few seats were open. I sat down next to her and we flirted and bantered for 15 minutes. I built up a great connection and it turned out we had a ton in common, not the least of which is that we attended the same college at the same time. It’s also worth noting that she was divorced and had a kid. I was doing all of this in front of a table full of male poker players, all of whom were watching and listening to my every move. It was a major rush to pick this girl up in front of an audience!

She wanted me to stay for the next round of the tournament and play cards, but I told her I couldn’t because I had a party to go to (true) . This is where I f’ed up. I told her we were going to meet up the next day and get sushi, which she happily agreed to. We punched our numbers into each other’s phones. Spontaneous and I departed for the party. At the party, the hot chick and I flirted via text for two hours. I thought for certain that my date was secure.

I was totally wrong. She flaked on me the next day and I never heard or saw her again. Why? My theory is she just wanted to get laid, and she either got picked up by another dude, or she flaked because I wanted to “date” and not pull. There is where my calibration was off…she was totally into me and ready to go home and all I had to do was play my cards right (pun intended). At the time, it didn’t occur to me to try for the pull because of the complicated logistics (Spontaneous drove and we were expected at a party). So, a lost opportunity. (Too bad, because she had those huge jugs.)

Lessons learned:

• Sometimes the girl just wants to screw. Read the situation and adjust your game appropriately.
• Much of game is logistics. If I could have figured out a way to get out of my party, ditch my wing, and get a ride home, I could have nailed the hot chick.

The Married Girl From Iowa

I was at Chillers on a Saturday night. The place was friggin’ packed. Around midnight, I opened a mixed 6-set. After the group opener, I put my arm around a tallish blonde in the group and pulled her next to me. I believe my specific line to her was, “So, what’s your story?” She responded positively and I gamed her up. This ended up being one of the coolest bar conversations I’ve ever had…she was a fantasy, sci-fi, and Harry Potter geek, so we bullshitted about those subjects for an hour. I maintained a sexual frame and we kino’ed each other throughout. After the long convo, we went to the dancefloor and grinded on each other for another half hour. I even grabbed another chick and did the Lance sandwich grinding thing with both of them. It was totally sweet. Oh yeah, she was a Leo, and I basically told her everything about her personality and love style because I know Leos pretty well.

Well, it turns out she was married. She was a producer at a local TV station and had just moved to town from Iowa, and hubby was still back in the Hawkeye state. I can say with 75% certainty that she was looking for a no-strings-attached hookup. How do I know? She insisted I take her phone number and myspace info, AND she ditched her friends to hang out with me even though she had been driven downtown. I opted not to k-close or try for a pull that night because of the married thing, although I’ve maintained the connection through myspace.

Lesson Learned:

• If you make a strong enough connection, she’ll insist that you take her number.
• Even marrieds want to get some ass.

The Hot Hair Stylist Who Also Worked At Hooters

I went to a new place and got a haircut. To my pleasant surprise, the stylist was a smoking hot blonde. I chatted with her for a few minutes while she was working and couldn’t get anything going. The conversation meandered to VH1′s The Pickup Artist and she was a fan. Well, talking about game is a specialty of mine of course, so we had a great little convo about that. I told her I knew Mike Stoute, the leading vote getter on The Pickup Artist Season 2 website, and she thought that was pretty cool. Hook point. She was interested in me and I knew if I asked for digits I would get them.

Right after she finished my hair cut, I stood up and playfully said, “Hey, what’s your myspace address? We should be myspace friends!” She agreed and wrote the address on the back of her business card (note, the card only had the store phone number on it). I could have asked her directly for her number, but she was young (age 21) and I figured she would be more apt to share myspace info. Oh yeah, besides cutting hair, this girl also works shifts at the local Hooters!

Well, my calibration was working perfectly, because after I checked out her myspace page it turned out she had a serious boyfriend. Like, her myspace headline said, “Buffy & Dusty” with little hearts around it. Yuck. If I had asked her out on a date she would have turned me down. Now, if I want, I can run a little facebook game and see if I can get her to meet me out with some of her Hooters girlfriends.

Lessons Learned:

• It’s often easier to get email or myspace info from younger chicks
• Calibrate to the individual and formulate a couple of options with where you can go with the interaction

Bonus: Hot Grad Student On A Date

This one actually happened before I got into social artistry and it was probably the only “natural” pickup I’ve ever pulled off. Well, I was out with a bunch of guy friends in downtown Orlando. We were having a blast and there was a energetic, fun vibe amongst my group.

We’re at this one Irish-theme bar and I see a girl I know from my graduate program sitting at a high top with a dude. They’re obviously on a date. I had a couple of classes with the girl and we’re acquainted, but we’ve never hung out after hours. Well, I rocked straight up to the table and opened her. I can’t remember the exact opener, but since I knew her already I’m sure I just greeted her by name. We fluffed for a minute and I told her I had to leave but we should hang out sometime. She agreed. I asked for and was reminded of her email address (I already had it, but I wanted to make sure). I completely ignored her date.

We ended up dating and doing a LTR for over a year. Now, we’re good friends, and Honey is the co-author of this blog. Honey, you might remember this one differently…

Lessons Learned

• Bring a fun, energetic vibe to your interactions and you’ll succeed.
• Anything is possible.

You know, sometimes the third sentence makes you spit out your Irish oatmeal with the blueberries in it. Today was one of those days.

I have been dating this young guy for almost 5 months. Our relationship has been great until today. Well, it wasn’t perfect: I am married and we see each other twice a week only.

Holy crap. Wow, that really isn’t perfect, is it? Do you also describe getting a root canal as, “It was awesome…well, except for the excruciating pain“?

But I was and I am in love with him very much and he was always caring and loving with me too. Today he said he can not keep seeing me any longer. His busy schedule, work, school, he said that he loves me but I deserve somebody better than him. So, what is going on here?  I just do not understand. Why would anyone dump somebody who he says he loves? I do not think he is cheating on me. Thanks.

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Dear Lindsey,

Hm. Let’s see. A young man, involved with a married woman for 5 months…uh…then stops seeing her…hm. Why would he end it? Well, I’m stumped.

Ok, I’m being flip about it, but seriously, Lindsey. Come on. There are two things that are true of affairs like yours.

1. There really isn’t much chance of a full, complete, true relationship breaking out while one of the people is married, and…
3. Both people KNOW that, accept it, and that’s why they’re there.

So the reason why he’s ending it? Well, it’s more of a question of why he started it? Because that’s what he was in the market for. He was looking for an AFFAIR. Very different from looking for a RELATIONSHIP. As in, an affair is a part time deal. A relationship is a commitment.

BUT WHY WOULD HE SAY….?

I’m not even going to get into the specifics of the reasons he gave you for the breakup. These are always major bullsquish (thank you Darrin Fitzgerald for that term.) Always. And that’s not a guy thing, it’s a human thing. Anytime someone dumps you and gives you ANY reason other than, “I’d rather be apart from you than with you,” they aren’t being honest. (And thank god — who wants to hear THAT when you’re getting dumped, right?)

In your guy’s case, he was trying to soften the blow. He’s too busy, you deserve better — it’s all just versions of, “It’s not you it’s me.”

VERDICT: THE BELL TOLLED FOR THEE

I’m sorry that this happened, Lindsey, but the reason he broke up like this was that the relationship wasn’t working for him anymore. It was before, but it isn’t now. It was just time. Time for him to move on.

And not for nothing, but given the parameters of your relationship, it almost had to happen. I mean…who wants to be with someone who is married to someone else…forever?

Good luck, Lindsey. I’m sorry about this, but it seems the answer is that, regardless of what he said, he was done.

What do you think, ladies? Seem pretty clearcut here?

A study of 4,000 singles by the dating website Loveawake has determined the perfect formula for a fetching profile picture. Women attract 60 percent more attention with photos taken indoors, whereas men do 19 percent better with shots that showcase their outdoorsy side. Full-body shots are a must for both sexes, providing a whopping 203 percent boost in messages received.

It also helps if you, like these people, are unusually attractive.

Selfies are a divisive issue. Female online daters who upload them experience a slight bump (4 percent) in popularity, but selfie-happy men see an 8 percent drop. Women may prefer guys in pictures taken by other people – which, by the way, is what I will be calling all conventional photos from this moment on – because that proves they’re social, or at least that they’re capable of building an android companion to stave off the terrible, terrible loneliness in their remote mountain lairs.

Whatever you do, avoid photos that feature a friend or animal at your side. Cute as he, she, or it may be, you can expect his/her/its presence to slice your popularity in half. “Which one are you,” your suitors will wonder, “The blonde, the redhead, or the dog?”

Zoosk’s study also turned up what is arguably the single most baffling online dating statistic of all time. The emoticon :-) will net you a 13 percent increase in replies, but :) results in a mysterious 66 percent decline. Noses are important.

You are making this too hard. People are human.

E.g. your stated preferences are just that: preferences. If George Clooney asked you on a date you would not decline due to age difference.

Your advice is, perhaps inadvertently, an enumeration of the ways in which some women make this way too hard. Probably guys do it too. Maybe online dating is just too superficial. 

Actually George Clooney is in my preferred age range…

I agree everyone has preferences and states them on their profile. It’s acceptable for someone who is SLIGHTLY outside of those preferences to contact you, one or two years beyond the age range, maybe an additional 25 miles beyond your stated dating zone. If there is enough interest on both people’s part they’ll decide where and when to make allowances beyond their preference. What Moxie was striking at is people GROSSLY beyond the range of a users stated preferences. She’s is 100% correct that people who ignore those preferences didn’t read the users profile or are so incredibly arrogant to believe they’re above those preferences without reproach. Neither scenario is attractive.

Online dating isn’t that hard if you’re willing to do your homework. Moxie has mentioned time and time again on this blog about how on Backpage a member may have a great narrative and photos but you’ve got to check the answers to their questions for clues about their attitudes to lifestyle, sex, religion and other key factors. I’ve been doing that as part of my “vetting process” and it’s helped me pick better matches overall.