- Cokie and Steve Roberts

I'm sorry, but I'm "uncomfortable" with their being "uncomfortable" with same-sex marriage, especially right before they go on to say gay couples want what "every heterosexual couple wants." After writing a whole book about how lovely marriage is, they twist the knife on the last page by saying they're "uncomfortable" with same-sex couples having this same blessing. WTF, Cokie and Steve? My guess is that they're trying not to alienate their conservative OR their liberal readers, but sometimes you just can't have it both ways -- and that paragraph certainly alienated me.

I wish I was better about reflecting on quotes that strike me as I'm reading the book, but I read this book so fast for book club that I had no time to write about it. So, a few reasons that the quotes above struck me.

P. 162. Like Cassia, I started seeing my parents in a whole new way when I became engaged. My parents have always had a "happy" marriage. I knew this when I compared the dynamics in our homes to the dynamics in the homes of my friends. I only remember one time when something my dad did or said really broke my mom's heart; there may have been other times, but none of them were obvious enough for us kids to pick up on.

Yet, none of us girls were rushing to get married. My mom asked, "Do we make marriage look so bad?" It's a difficult question. Sometimes, I said that they had such a good marriage that it seemed hard to follow up, difficult to find someone who would be as good a "match" for me. At the same time, I could see the little cracks in their relationship, too -- the moments of tension, the hidden resentments. And I feared those; seeing that they existed in a marriage that I and all my friends idolized as "good" brought home the reality that even good marriages are not perfect, and mine wouldn't be, either. Still, I'm glad I grew up with a model of what a stable, loving marriage can look like.

Pg. 239. It's the second part of this quote that really gets me. Let's set aside the fact that Cassia probably isn't even actually "in" the majority, unless we're speaking of "the majority" as the power holders/enfranchised rather than the group with the greatest population. And of course, one could argue that, in a book like this, it's laughable to claim the "majority" hold any power. At the same time, she is a part of the population that benefits from "they system," as messed up as it is. And so am I. I'm White and middle class and college-educated, gainfully employed and happily married. Sometimes, my privilege terrifies me. Who am I to enjoy these things? Like Cassia, I'm not anyone. Just someone who was lucky enough to be born in the right place, in the right time. Most of the world lives in poverty; although I've been "broke," I've never experienced the true hardship of not having enough to eat, or not having a roof over my head. This makes me wealthy indeed. And I've done very little to create or contribute to this world that favors me and those like me over others. That can be an overwhelming thought. Green pill, please?

Pg. 255. I also feel conflicting desires to know and to be safe. My desire to know has pushed me to do things that terrify me, like get on airplanes, go on first dates, and get married. There are other things I long for but know I'd be too afraid to explore, even if I could -- like traveling in space, or deep-sea ocean diving. Still, I'm glad that my desire to know has pushed me outside my comfort zone, and that my desire to be safe has, well, kept me safe.

I guess I forgot to include a page number on the last quote. That's OK. I didn't have much to say about it, anyway. Just that, I get it.

Overall, this book wasn't great; written in a somewhat rambling fashion, no real facts to back up the author's advice, and generously sprinkled with platitudes. But there were a few places where I stopped to take notice.

"A healthy relationship consists of two people, devoted to each other, being true to their path as well as being intimate with each other. We must pay attention to our beloved and spend time realizing their passions and life goals. If you, or he, are being pressured to limit yourself--or worse, give up on your dreams--in order to placate your partner, it's important to withstand the pressure and continue on your path regardless of any resistance. You must continue to expand." - pg. 29

This is important for me to hear because both Ivan and I came into our relationship with big dreams for ourselves already underway. I think it's because of these dreams that we recognized something within one another. I know that we both want to see the other person realize their dreams -- but what about when that makes it difficult for us as partners? What about the opportunity that requires a move, the risk that means less financial security, the time stolen from family or chores to further the dream?

All of the above must be accepted with open arms and love and bravery rather than fear. I know this, but ti's still incredibly scary. But what may be scarier is knowing that you played a part in holding your beloved back from his dreams.

"Making love is an experience of the shared heart that flourishes alongside love and commitment. It flows from knowing each other well and desiring to dissolve into the heart and body of another." - pg. 212

I just really like this, and to remember that sex can be part of something much higher than satisfying physical needs.

"I embrace your body at night. I embrace your mind by day. Now I can embrace your soul in all the moments in between. At last, I know I am in love." - pg. 213

This quote is sort of cheesy, but I included it because I think the beauty and mystery of loving someone completely is being able to see all their many different facets. My husband who rants about politics is the same man who shields his father from the wind on his smoking breaks; who gets lost in his thoughts about what he'll build next; who loves to be with his friends; who holds me when I need it; who makes up stories with me about our pets or the strangers we see on the street; who hates doing dishes but patiently fixes vacuums; who keeps me feeling safe and warm and calm in bed every night. I think we first fall in love with people for certain aspects of them; but truly loving them means constantly marveling at all the diversity and complexity that can exist within a single soul.

"How much sex you have is irrelevant to the quality of the connection." - pg. 225

This seems to make intuitive sense, but I've read a lot of research that says otherwise. In Daniel Kahneman's book, Thinking Fast & Slow, he says that the formula of the amount of sex a couple has, minus the amount of fights, is a strong predictor of marital stability (you want the number to be positive, i.e.: more sex than fights). If the pie chart on the cover of For Better: The Science of Good Marriage by Tara Parker-Pope is any indication, she also considers frequent sex a central component of a strong marriage.

I'm not about to say that couples who rarely have sex can't have happy marriages. Every couple needs to find the rhythm that's right for them. But I think it's a mistake, and the research agrees with me, to think sex isn't an important part of the marriage equation. I think this probably isn't about sex per se, but the fact that couples who feel less connected or resentful are less likely to be having sex; so if sex disappears from a marriage, I think it can be a barometer of other things that might need a closer look.

"Ideally, a relationship will be your safe harbor, not your anchor. You can move about with the freedom of who you are, yet still come home." - pg. 229

Yes.

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