And another intense, beautiful read by Adrienne Wilder


"I stared at all the broken fragments of color that where once me, lying scattered around my feet."


Alright, folks, this is one intense read. On the one hand you get Roy. Simple, relaxed, calm, maybe a little mysterious himself in the beginning. He has his own demons, his own skeletons and his very own closet, albeit one with wide open doors.

Then there is Paris.

And Paris is what makes this book so colorful, but painful at the same time. He is beautiful, talented in a twisted way, caged and abused, and even though I don't like the expression much, he is the Victim with a capital "V" here. What he lived/lives through, how he suffers, is a main part of his art, of his story, of his personality. And it hurts to read it all.

Because one thing is for sure: When Adrienne Wilder writes villains, she writes them EVIL. Pure, unredeemable, ruthless, heartless Evil. Which is not something I fall for usually, but somehow she just makes it work. At least I don't feel like I'm in the middle of a Disney-inspired bad cartoon. I'm saying that just to warn potential readers. The bad guys here aren't just bad, they're despicable, disgusting, and they'll rip your heart out with a bright fake smile on their faces. You've got to have the stomach for this ind of thing if you want to read this book. Even I struggled with some of the scenes. Partly because of some violence and cruelty that was just that side of painful to read, but also partly because of a somewhat (overbearing) sense of dread I was carrying around while reading this.

Another thing I would warn potential readers about is the pace. Even though the very first scene is hot and steamy, the actual development of intimacy and love takes time. Quite some time, actually. Paris has issues. Not the (dare I say usual?) problems and baggage of a young man, but very, very serious mental health problems. And there is no magic cock here, no "love is all you need", no fast solution for everything. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of love, devotion, help and happily ever after in here. But it isn't instant, or easy. It's a gut-wrenching, desperate journey, so you should go in prepared.

And don't ecpect change to happen over night, because as in real life, the fight against abuse, self-hate and mental illness takes time and, in most cases, never really ends. I saw some readers getting frustrated with this, with Paris and his inner struggles. Which goes to show that some people not only have no idea about mental illnesses, but that for some readers, this is just the wrong topic. Because fact of the matter is, mental problems, like borderline disorder, depression or OCD, never leave you completely. They're not "curable" or of one's own making. If you feel like all of these things are weaknesses, that people struggling with this are not strong enough, not determined enough to be well, just plain not good enough to life a "healthy" life like you, than please put this book aside and never touch it again. You are absolutely not going to like this book, I guarantee it! Because - hate me all you want for that comment - you are not made for it and you won't be able to appreciate it. It takes a (special?) kind of patience, empathy and compassion to appreciate the hard path Paris takes, and how far he comes until the end of the book. Obviously, it's not for everyone.

Also, if you can't stomach a lot of angst, cruelty or violence, you might want to pass this up. It's really not for highly sensitive readers. But for everyone else: Read it! It's absolutely worth it.


I had one issue, though. The sex. While I don't have a problem with frequent sex scenes, some of them felt kind of wrong here. Mainly because of the timing. Having a nice, hard fuck while your homicidal monster of a sister is looking for you? While you have to fear for your own life and the life of your partner? How about NO? I couldn't enjoy this particular scenes at all. I was too anxious, too tense to even appreciate the love shared between the two MCs, because all I could think was: "What the fuck are you doing?! You. Are. In. Mortal. Danger. Get your freakking bags and get the fuck out of there! She'll be there in no time at all!"

Of course they didn't, and She fucking did. I knew it, so this part frustrated me. It didn't only make me angry, but it also "provoked" and forced an ending that wasn't strictly necessary and somewhat over the top, IMHO.

Like I said, hot sex is fine and dandy, but even I need a little more "good timing" for it to not feel too forced or uncomfortable.

All in all, I enjoyed this book. I struggled with some scenes, I would definitely issue a trigger warning, and parts of the ending were a little too forced for my taste, but I'd still recommend it, just not necessarily for everyone.

3 stars

Well, this was... different?

I'm really not sure what happened. I was looking forward to this one. Cops undercover, a romance and a mystery? I'm usually a goner! Here? Not so much.

Firstly, there were some things I liked. The writing was solid, the characters were "good" enemies and their feelings for each other changed quite nicely. Or more precisely, they gradually got their heads out of their asses. It's not easy to write a double-in-the-closet. You're bound to run into some repetitive issues, thoughts and problems and in general it was well done here. Bonus for the steam, that was really well written.

But quite some things didn't sit well with me. Let's start with the crime aspect. I've been in love with crime ans suspense for a long time. From Agatha Christie to Lee Child, from Kathy Reichs to Josh Lanyon, I tried it and loved a lot of myteries. And I'm aware of the fact that all these authors (except for Reichs maybe) are far away from being crime fighting experts, so I don't really expect to read perfectly realistic books regarding procedure, rules and training. But, and it's a big but for me, it has to be at least kind of believable. That didn't really happen here for me. Two cops - who hate each other, at least officially - are send undercover almost completely unprepared? Yeah, no. That just didn't fly with me. Also, it's fine that they have to keep their cover. So some PDA and play acting has to be done. But, come on! They are expected to play their part in a group orgy/partner swapping situation, even though both are firmly in the closet, therefore straight in public? Show me a straight cop who could pull that off convincingly! You can't play straight and you can't play gay for a little bit, then wash your hands off it and go back to "normal" just like that! And every supervisor knows it.

But okay, I tried to keep an open mind. It's just fiction, after all. Right? So I kept reading. And it wasn't really a bad read. Just... strange. Where was the investigating? The search for evidence? The dialogue with other members of the community? Most of it just happened, because everyone was basically over each other all the time. Also, what was up with their houses? Why did they even have them? It's not like anybody respected your closed doors. At all. Just no. And while the mystery itself was good - because it kept me guessing who the bad guy was until the end - I also felt somewhat cheated. Because it wasn't as if I had a chance of finding out who he was before he was revealed. The only way of guessing was the slow process of elimination. Not because of actual evidence, but because all but two men were mentioned by name in a way that made it impossible for them to be the villain. And the epiliogue threw me completely. That cliffhanger was just not cool. I was hurting enough for Todd before! Now this? I'm not even sure I want to read the second book.

Another thing were the "gatherings". I really don't have a problem with orgies, partner swapping or menage in my books. Sure, it's not my favorite thing to read about, but it also doesn't turn me off too much. If it were just the "gatherings" where people swapped partners, or came on to each other. But it wasn't! Everyone ate somebody else's face at some point! I even lost track who was with whom at one point, because I couldn't keep up with which one of the guys was "swapping" at the moment and who actually wanted to sleep with his own partner for a change. And everybody got irritated with Will when he finally set some boundaries? What?! I was cheering him on something fierce!

Talking about boundaries: I'm all for relationship development while working a case. Living and working together so closely is predestined for it. But it just didn't sit well with me how much relationship and sex was going on while they didn't get any kind of work done - except for calling their respective partners for research results. It got really bad when I read a passage about Todd that just about broke my heart, and was thrown into a hot sex scene between the MCs right after. It made me feel so queasy and I was actually tempted to skim it, because I was so uncomfortable. Which is NOT a good thing for romantic suspense. I was so not happy with this one.

One other thing that bugged me were the nicknames! After the first two or three, I was still somewhat grinning. But after a while it didn't just get old, it annoyed me. Especially because both did it, at least once every ten pages. Creative in the beginning, way too much in the end.

So, all in all, it was an okay read. I love the combination of romance and mystery, but the execution here just wasn't really for me. I can see why others loved it so much, I guess I just want different things when it comes to romantic suspense novels.