This is a must-read for everyone--for people who are being abused, people who are not being abused, family members and friends of people being abused, people who have escaped abusive relationships, people who want to understand angry and controlling men... EVERYONE. It demystifies partner abuse in a way that our society NEEDS to understand.

An excellent practical guide for those in abusive relationships.  It's less clinical and jarring than his first book [book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men|224552] and likely easier for those in abusive relationships to read.   While he doesn't sugar coat things or give false hope, Mr. Bancroft is an empathetic voice and understands the difficulty and plight of those in abusive relationships.

I am really sad that I had occasion to read this book, but I am really glad that I did. The author cuts to the quick about the origin of abuse and gives a sobering prognosis for change in an abuser's patterns of behavior.

What I learned:

* Abuse comes from a sense of entitlement and low opinion of the abused (not always, but most commonly the abused are women)
* Drugs, alcohol, past trauma, or past relationships do not cause abusive behavior.
* The abuser benefits greatly by their behavior, and thus has little incentive to change. They generally have freedom to do what they want when they want, they generally contribute little to the household.
* The abuser is a master at manipulation and diversion, confusing the abused as to what is happening with them.
* Fixing substance abuse problems do nothing to fix abusive behaviors
* Abusers learn how to use couples therapy, psychotherapy, or 12 step programs to their advantage in gaining leverage over their abused partners
* Changing an abuser's behavior requires that they change core value system that is deeply ingrained, and as such, happens very rarely.

Learning all this can be frightening to someone who is in an abusive relationship, but ultimately knowledge is empowering.

I think there should be a copy in every public library. at least one copy. sadly I'm pretty sure that if you're human you've encountered someone who exhibits angry/controlling traits, whether they are verbal, emotional or physical. and the best way to help people who are in relationships w/ these people is to understand, so this book should be helpful to many people.

I think there should be a copy in every public library. at least one copy. sadly I'm pretty sure that if you're human you've encountered someone who exhibits angry/controlling traits, whether they are verbal, emotional or physical. and the best way to help people who are in relationships w/ these people is to understand, so this book should be helpful to many people.