When you are investing heavily in a relationship with someone who does not reciprocate back, it can feel horrible. All of your affection and kindness are falling on deaf ears. And it can be even worse if it is a repeat pattern you go through repeatedly. 

The reality is that while it is not a good pattern to deal with, it is possible to overcome it. The issue comes from insecurity, a desire for validation (which rarely comes) and a general lack of self-esteem. If that feels like you, then read on for a few strategies to overcome this pattern: 

• Identify the signs early on – if you have been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, you know just how draining it can be due to the other person. At first, it may feel like they are mysterious and deep, which can only increase that feeling of attraction towards them. But soon enough, it just turns out they are closed off and detached. It is important to work towards a solid relationship with someone who can show a range of emotions immediately. If you notice the signs of unavailability early on, it is best to move on and spare yourself the heartache. 
  
  
• Be honest about why you fall for the same type – if you find yourself dating the same heartbreaker, again and again, you need to slow down and self-reflect. It is fine if you have had bad luck once, but if it repeats, it is a pattern that needs some help. Perhaps a little consultation with a therapist or a coach can greatly help. 
  
  
• Don’t fall for false hope – often, people get hurt because of false hope. You should steer clear of people who text a lot but never initiate plans. That is when someone they are interested in texts a lot and initiates some form of connection, but without ever planning a date or seeing the other. This is a great way to develop false hopes that a relationship can happen. 
  
  
• Insist on identifying your relationship after a certain period. If you are dating an emotionally unavailable person, you may feel like they are stringing you along for a long period. You should be alert if they are keen on dating you but don’t want to call it a relationship. It is understandable if they don’t want to use labels initially. But if they don’t call the relationship label after an extended period, maybe they are just not interested in making things official anytime soon, if ever. 
  
  
• You should not feel like their saviour – while you may be eager to help someone, it should not be your job. You need to ask yourself what you are getting out of a relationship with someone who cannot commit. If you feel like you are there to rescue them, to show them that people are worth caring for, you are only wasting your efforts. Instead, you should be focused on dating someone who will appreciate your work. 
  
  
• Work on your sense of self – if you have self-esteem issues, you should work on yourself and develop confidence. How you feel about yourself reflects the relationship you will be in and the dating life you will lead. When you are ready and confident to meet a partner who will commit, you will never settle for anyone else.
  
  

These strategies make you more prepared to face the challenge of falling for emotionally unavailable partners and avoid this reality altogether. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

Many people think it is uncommon for women to date an older man, but it is not that rare. But there is a certain combination of being experienced and providing that sense of stability that women find very attractive in older men. 

If you are in a similar situation and unsure how to navigate such a relationship, you should learn the few essential dos and don'ts. Many external factors may influence your relationship or make it more challenging to progress. Here is the important list to follow. 

The Dos of Dating an Older Man

• Discuss what dating means to both of you – when you start things up with someone older than you by some 10-15 years, you both need to have absolute clarity about what you want to achieve in this relationship. For example, if you are in your 20s, you may consider someone dating for the experience. But will you let it become more serious in the long run? You need to discuss it to be on the same page, honestly. 
  
  
• Learn from him – if there is one thing older men bring to the table in the relationship that no one else can, it has to be experienced. Keep an open mind at all times and learn from him. 
  
  
• Relish your youth – don't feel guilty about being young when you are dating someone older than you. Youth is a gift that you should not skip. So when he doesn't feel like hiking, you should not cancel plans. In other words, the difference in your age should not become one of its major drawbacks if you don't let it. 
  
  
• Do you want to pursue deep emotional intimacy with an older man? You need to be able to answer this question as you progress in your relationship affirmatively. Fine-tune your feelings – as the relationship goes on, you should keep in touch with your feelings. 
  
  

The Don'ts of Dating an Older Man

• Don't insist on what he does not want – if you are both in for something casual and you become invested at some point, you should not push him into something he is not ready to invest in. You should be honest with him about his feelings and consider major factors like emotional baggage from his past and more clarity on his age, which can impact his decision to be with you. 
  
  
• Don't lose your character and individuality – wise nature is probably one of the qualities that attract a young woman to an older man. But while it feels nice having a partner who can advise you along the way, you have to be mindful of him taking over your life. Speak your mind and stand up for yourself when you feel strongly about something. 
  
  
• Don't pester him for the company – it is essential to do things together that you both enjoy. However, you should pester him about the things that are only interesting to you but do not sit well with him or are too demanding. Perhaps he may not be as inclined to do a pub crawl till the morning, but maybe he is more than happy to make a road trip. 
  
  
• Don't assume he is feeling a certain way – regardless of how your relationship has started, you should not assume how he is feeling. If you ever think there is some ambiguity, you should have a discussion. Keep all channels open and have frank conversations about important matters. 
  
  

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

There is always a bit of a risk when it comes to first dates. Maybe the person is not at all what they appeared to be when you texted, or they can outright ghost you. But you need to take a chance, to advance to a more meaningful relationship.

However, you should never ignore certain red flags that the other person might be sending. It is one thing to be hopeful and give them the benefit of the doubt. But closing your eyes to the outright bad things about them is not ideal. Here is what you should be mindful of:

• They are late and don’t tell you – one of the red flags is that you should be mindful of them being late to show up and they have not informed you. Normally, it is okay to be late, but if they don’t tell you about it, then they are not valuing your time. Now, that is hardly a reason to write them off completely. Maybe their phone died, or they have lost signal. But if they just don’t care, you should be careful.
  
  
• They have a control problem – always be on the lookout for signs of a big ego and a controlling nature. Controlling tendencies could show up as early as the first date, when they jokingly order something from the menu for you, without even asking about your opinion. This could be a way of testing your boundaries.
  
  
• They don’t stay present – if they are always on their phone, or they are always on the lookout to see who else is there, they aren’t present. If they don’t explain why they are on the phone or have their attention divided, you should consider it a red flag. They should devote attention to you and your persona, instead of anything else that can wait and is not urgent.
  
  
• They are rude to waiters and staff – if your first impression of them is that they are rude to the staff of the restaurant you are in, think about what life with them would be like. If they are not respectful to the person doing their job, they may not be respectful of you as well. Remember that people always put their best foot forward, so if rudeness shows then, it is a huge red flag.
  
  
• They are overly romantic – a little bit of romance can be a very nice addition to a first date. It can make you feel special. However, if they go overboard with it, then it is not a good sign. Showering you with affection, compliments and gifts could be nothing more than love-bombing, which aims to make you feel secure so that they can later start taking advantage of you.
  
  
• They are way too eager to move the date fast – some people can try to overwhelm you on the first date. That is when you need to pay the most attention. Listen to your gut feeling on whether things are advancing normally or way too fast.
  
  
• They talk about their ex a lot – it is okay to mention an ex-partner, but there is a limit to how much you can discuss the matter. If the person is obsessively bringing their ex, it could be an indication that they are not over them or that they have not overcome the past bitterness. It is especially worrying if they always blamed their ex. 

Paying more attention to such red flags is not only important but mandatory if you don’t want to have problems down the road.

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

Text messages are without a doubt a fantastic tool to keep in touch with people you are dating. You can communicate with ease with the press of a button, get to know each other, and share interesting conversations. But there is such a thing as texting too much and it is something you have to be aware of. 

If you ever allow your texting to get out of hand, it has the potential to do you a lot of harm. For starters, it will change the way the other person thinks about you in a bad way. Instead of being interesting, they will view your texting as bothersome and can begin to shy away from this sort of contact. Following are a few of the red flags that you might be texting too much: 

• There is an imbalance in your text conversations
  If you take an objective look at your conversations and notice that pretty much every message comes from you, that is a clear sign you are texting too much. Have a look at your portion of the text. If it is more than what the other side has to say, then maybe they are much less interested in such exchange. Maybe they are busy, maybe they are bored, or maybe they just cannot or do not want to keep up. Whatever the case may be, this is a clear sign that you are texting more than is warranted and that you should tone it down. The best conversations over text happen when both sides have an equal amount to share. 
  
  
• You have come to expect constant access to other people
  If you are constantly on your phone and you can reply to their text messages almost instantly, you might think it is only normal for them to do the same. However, you need to understand people have their own lives and things to take care of apart from texting back. You should give them enough leeway and check your expectations. If you are feeling impatient when the other person doesn’t reply within a few minutes but instead takes a few hours, you know it is a good idea to put the phone down. The very fact that you are on it all the time might be giving you a wrong idea about the etiquette of texting, which you could be breaking. 
  
  
• You don’t let conversations fade naturally
  Allowing conversations to die off naturally is a normal part of a text conversation. If, however, you give in to temptation and try to keep it going for as long as possible, you might be giving the other person a wrong impression. At some point in the conversation, it becomes clear that neither side has anything substantial to add. That is when it needs to fade away and continue another day. Don’t continue to text them when that moment comes. 
  
  
• You don’t text to connect, but because of boredom
  Many people check their social media or watch videos on YouTube when they are bored. And others are into texting. And while it can be healthy to pursue such a desire for human connection, you best not be doing it just because you are bored and want to kill some time. A genuine text conversation is one that both sides exchange information they want to hear about, not one that they use as a form of entertainment when they are bored. Carefully assess when you are texting and don’t do it out of boredom. 
  
  

Knowing when you are texting too much can help you on the way of finding more meaningful communication. Be on the lookout for these warning signs that you are texting too much and correct your ways. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

Have you ever experienced a situation where you think you are growing closer to your partner, before suddenly acting in what seems calculated ways to push them away? There is a greater emotional and physical distance between you, less interest in each other’s needs, tense communication and sometimes even unkind words. 

There is a lot of hurt and confusion that can come in this sort of relationship dynamic, especially when one side deems it to be progressing nicely. If you feel like you are shutting down when a relationship builds up to a more serious phase, you should know that change is possible. However, it is important to consider the reasons why it happens before anything else: 

• Fear of intimacy – pushing people away is one of the ways of avoiding intimacy. This is a common mechanism of defence for people who have the fear of being hurt in a relationship. If you have a past relationship that hurt you, the consequences can manifest in many ways, among which worries about repeat rejection in the same manner. Your subconscious might hide such fears, even if you think you have healed. They will come over in the form of an instinct to protect yourself from rejection. And even if the actions happen on a more unconscious level, the result is the same – you drive your partner away, for the sake of self-preservation and avoiding intimacy. 
  
  
• Attachment problems – attachment style of avoidance can also play a role in pushing people away. This theory has to do with one’s early years of life. If your primary caregiver/parent was not emotionally close during your childhood, you may acquire an avoidant attachment style. This is characterized by suppressed needs for intimacy and closeness, as you have learned to be self-sufficient from a young age. You cannot stand when a relationship gets too intense. 
  
  
• Low self-confidence and self-esteem – people who are not confident in themselves and struggle with low self-esteem are also prone to pushing others away. Perhaps you think that you will let them down, or that they don’t like you that much, or that they will leave you for someone better later on. You think yourself not good enough for them and so you push them away instead of working on a relationship. Many people who have bigger issues with self-confidence think that they don’t even deserve a healthy relationship, even though that is never true. 
  
  
• Trust issues – if you have been betrayed in a previous relationship, it is common that you will have trust issues. If someone cheated on you, you may have a hard time repairing your broken trust. This can cause a lot of bumps down the road of any relationship, in which partners don’t invest extra efforts to convince each other of their true feelings and intentions. 
  
  

So how do you change all that and let people in your life? 

• Start slow – if you wish to build a close relationship, you should never rush things. Evaluate the real issues stopping you from achieving that and work on them with your partner. 
  
  
• Talk about it all – good communication is the most important pillar of any relationship. And while it may seem scary discussing such problems with your partner, it is the only way to make progress with your relationship with them. 
  
  
• It is a balancing act – if you are too eager to prevent the impulse of pushing others away, you could end up in the other extreme of becoming too needy and not respecting your partner’s boundaries. You have to strive for balance and interdependence – to support each other, without depending on them entirely. 
  
  

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach