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text 2017-01-02 14:07
23 Adult Truths

 

 

1. Sometimes I'll look at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day..

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

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text 2016-07-18 05:42
An Apple A Day

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

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text 2016-06-24 15:19
Ad Bloopers

 


Ear piercing while you wait.

 

Illiterate? Write for free information.

 

Man,honest. Will take anything.

 

Experienced mom will care for your child in my home. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

 

Used hearse: Excellent engine and transmission. Body in good condition.

 

Maytag washer $100. Owned by bachelor who seldom washed.

 

For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

Antique card table for sale. No dealers.

 

Dog for sale: Eats anything. Fond of children

 

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

 

Man's three-speed bicycle. Also two ladies for sale, in good running order.

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photo 2016-06-16 13:22
It's going to be one of those days.
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text 2016-06-16 08:34
Sensible Thoughts
 

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

 

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

 

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

 

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

 

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

 

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

 

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

 

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

 

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

 

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

 

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

 

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m.; for example, it could be the right number.

 

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

 

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap .

 

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.

 

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

 

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with saggy tattoos?

 

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Chevy.

 

19. After 65, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

 

20. Always be yourself because the people who matter don’t mind and the ones who mind don’t matter.

 

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

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