Author: Julie Anne Peters

Published: 2003

Format: paperback

Pages: 250

I finished this early this morning and have been trying all day to figure out what to say about it.  It was... all right.  I didn't hate it, but definitely didn't love it.  

The protagonist Holland Jaeger...she got kind of a raw deal.  She was the product of a teen pregnancy.  Her mother was kicked out of her home, forced to quit school and raise a child on her own.  I think Holland was made to suffer some of her mother's bitterness.  She practically ran Holland's life, planning her future, going through her personal belongings, the whole nine yards.  Later in life when Holland's mother meets a nice man, marries and has a baby, she let's slip that she wished  she had waited to have Holland.  She thought she would have been a better mother.  She thought she would have wanted her.  For realsies?!  How do you tell your child you didn't want her and think it's just causal conversation?

Holland is in her senior year of high school and is completely over extending between classes, extracurriculars, work, and trying to live her life for her mother instead of herself.  She's struggling to even spend time with her friends and boyfriend of a year, Seth.

It's obvious from almost the beginning of the book that the shiney-newness of Seth had worn off, but Holland was too clueless to see things for what the were.  And she was busy applying to colleges she knew she couldn't get into (and got rejected from) to please her mother's need to live vicariously through her.

Enter CeCe, a transfer student who is gay, out, and immediately caught Holland's attention.  Holland was drawn to her.  After several encounters she finally realized that she's attracted to CeCe and that it wasn't the first girl she'd crushed on.  She never thought about it meaning she was gay until she was faced with out and proud CeCe.  After breaking up with Seth and crushing his fragile boy heart, she and CeCe started seeing one another, but CeCe insisted that they keep it secret, claiming to want to protect Holland from the hate and bigotry she faced daily.

But of course, as it always does, it came out that Holland was gay and dating CeCe.  Seth was angry, one of her best friends, Kristen, turned out to be a total bigot, and her other best friend was just hurt that Holland had ditched her with no explanation.   And of course her mother lost the plot and did exactly what her parents had done to her, she kicked her daughter out.  Holland's life fell into a shambles, all because she fell for CeCe.  But not really.

CeCe confessed to betraying Holland by suppressing her right to out herself--which was seven kinds of effed up--all because she was being selfish.  CeCe had previously helped her first love come out and once she did the girl became a whole new person.  She became confident and vibrant and bold and eventually fell for someone else and effectively cheated on CeCe.  This was what CeCe didn't want to happen with Holland, so she suppressed her.  Holland agreed that it was a betrayal, but at the same time, Holland agreed to the secret.  So it's just as much her fault, and honestly, nothing would have changed her mother's reaction.

I didn't like CeCe.  I didn't like Seth, or Kristen even before we found out she was a bigot.  I hated Holland's mother and CeCe's mother. And I hated the choices Holland made, and the choices she allowed to be made on her behalf.  If she was old enough to purchase her own vehicle and have  car payment and work, she was old enough to make her own decisions about college, especially since was was either relying on scholarships or paying for it herself.  Her mother had no right, and while I know it's hard to go against your parents when you're dependent on them for everything (leaglly and financially) at some point you have to say this is my life not yours.  The best thing Holland did was walk out on her mother when she attempted a half-assed, bull-crap reconciliation. Her mother hadn't planned to change, understand or accept Holland for anything other than what she wanted her to be.  And just as her mother never forgave or reconciled with her parents, I believe the same was true for Holland. 

This book just wasn't it for me.

FOURTH FIRST PERSON...in a row!  WTF?! Someone somewhere wants me to change my opinion about first person books! UGH!  Not deep enough into the book to know if I like it yet. Stay tuned.

Verstummt - 5 stars

Harables - 4.5 stars

Keeping Her Secret - 5 stars

Das Gegenteil von Einsamkeit - 4.5 stars

Willing Target - 4 stars

Getrennte Wege - 3 stars

Favorite book(s) of the month: Verstummt, Harables, Keeping Her Secret, Das Gegenteil von Einsamkeit

Books started this month but haven't finished yet: Stopping the Noise in Your Head, Shopaholic, Alice hinter den Spiegeln, Das Bildnis des Dorian Gray, Here I am, Throne of Glass 2 - Kriegerin im Schatten

Well, well, well. I know this was going to happen sooner or later, with me going to the clinic, reading is just not happening. I take all the breaks that I have and the bus ride home to read but I feel like I don't get anything done. On the weekends, I actually don't read that much either because I just wanna watch vlogs on youtube or a movie/tv show.

I hate it, though. I really miss having a peaceful and quite time for reading, where I can really dive into another world, without getting interupted all the time. But right now, the clinic thing is very important and the reading thing will get better again. (But I'm super behind on ARCs I got from NetGalley and that's stressing me out big time)

I requested an ARC for this, but didn't get it, so I just went ahead and preordered it.

I'm so happy I did, cause I seriously love this book so much.

There is nothing in this whole book that I didn't like. Nothing.

I love the setting, the summer camp.

I love the characters. Riya and Courtney, the two main characters, they were so different from each other. It took me a bit to warm up to Courtney, just because it takes a while to really get to know her. There were also so many great side characters, that I totally loved.

I loved Riya's love for volleyball and Courtney's love for ballet. And their love for each other. There was so much history between these two, so much unresolved stuff, so many stuff that got between them but they made it work, and I'm so glad they did, cause they are just the cutest.

I loved their story. The childhood besties, a kiss changes everything and they completely lose contact with each other and then they meet again at camp. Things are awkward and frustrating, but they get so much better.

I also loved the writing, it was really good and easy to get into.

I loved the frustrating parts. And at the same time, I really hated it, cause it shouldn't be that hard for two people with the same gender to be in love and actually show it. They shouldn't have to worry about people accepting it. Maybe that's just me, cause I just don't see a problem with it, that I can't understand people who have problems with it. Why?

If you are looking for something fun, easy and super cute to read, I HIGHLY recommend this book.