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Search tags: fire-your-editor-from-a-canon
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review 2016-01-28 13:46
DNF at 27% — Wicked Appetite OMFG
Wicked Appetite - Janet Evanovich,Lorelei King
This may be the fastest I've ever wanted to flounce a book. In the first minute it two I wanted to be done, but I was in the shower and I would, of course, give the story more of a shot than that.
 
But this was just awful. 
 
Which is a huge disappointment. I was really looking forward to this since every other Janet Evanovich has been enjoyable for me and had little to no sex, which I desperately needed after the last two audiobooks I've listened to that were just sexsexsexsexsexsex.
 
So I had high hopes.
 
Dashed.
 
It's first person, which is the worst to begin with, but there's just no competence to the writing. The whole beginning of the book was the biggest info dump I've ever read and was boring to boot. The characters were flat as cardboard, the dialogue produced physical cringes more than once, and everything had to be described in detail like a mind-numbingly boring shopping list. Every part of this was so juvenile. It read like a kid's first attempt at writing YA. Twilight was more nuanced. 
 
Which just says it all right there.
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review 2015-11-13 06:34
Er, is it a DNF when you say "fuck this!" with five minutes left?
Animal Attraction - Jill Shalvis

This book started off so well. At least much better than the first book. There was definitely a spark of something there between the hero and heroine more than sex. I appreciated that. Then when they did have sex it was the only scene for the longest time, there was even a judicious FTB. Then a flipped was switched and it seemed that suddenly Shalvis felt she needed to make up for less sex later in the book and there was more for no reason. Also, I really dislike when books end on sex scenes. It is infinitely worse when the book is needlessly extended to shove in yet another elongated, overly descriptive sex scene. Eight minutes left in the book and does the heroine take the hero to meet her family while they are in Chicago? Nope. Is there a cute little scene where she's showing him the city I doubt he's ever been to while the story sweetly fades into their HEA? Nooope.

 

Sex.

 

Sexsexsexsexsexsexsex because apparently THAT'S ALL THERE EVER IS ON EARTH AND GOD FORBID WE SEPARATE ROMANCE FROM IT.

 

Like another book I just finished reading. They get snowbound together. They really only just met, so do they talk for awhile, get to know each other? OF COURSE NOT. No, fifteen, FIFTEEN, pages of sex scene and then two lines at the end of the chapter that says they talked. THAT IS COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE OF HOW A ROMANCE NOVEL SHOULD BE, DAMMIT!!!

 

*heavy breathing*

 

*glares at books*

 

"Romance" genre I love you, but you are on such thin ice with me. 

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review 2015-10-25 23:06
DNF at 64% – The Horrors of Domestic Violence Is Not the Horror I Was Looking For.
Ghost Road Blues (Pine Deep Trilogy, #1) - Jonathan Maberry,Tom Weiner

Jonathan Maberry is real hit or miss for me. I like the Joe Ledger series even though I generally hate his writing style. But I still keep giving him a chance. This book won the Bram Stoker Award so I thought I was in for something good here. If this is what they honor, then I don't actually get what the BSA is about.

 

Once again Maberry has about fifty million characters and we have to jump to all of their POVs. It didn't feel like there was any sort of cohesive story just random vignettes that pull together separately. It was all slow as hell. There were hints at horror elements, but not enough for there to be anything called horror, really. There was more of the human crime element.

 

Even the people that were obviously supposed to be the good protagonists weren't in my opinion. Everyone knew this guy Vic is beating on his 14-year-old stepson but no one does anything about it because Vic is friends with cops or some such nonsense. Our "hero" Crowe calls himself doing something by befriending the kid, Mike. On this night Mike had already gotten into an accident and was injured and Crowe knew that sending him home with his stepfather was a bad, dangerous idea but did it anyway because the Mayor told him to. When he leaves the kid to do the job he was tasked with and comes back to be told by a witness that Vic came to get Mike and full on punched him in the gut before tossing him in the car, Crowe was pissed. And that was about it. We're then treated to a very extended and graphic scene of Vic beating the ever-loving shit out of Mike. It was horrific and supposed to somehow be ameliorated because Mike realizes that Vic is nothing more than human during the beating? What the?

 

Back to Crowe and the very next thing he's thinking about getting home to his girlfriend and the meal she cooked him. That's when I was done with this book. There are no good guys in this story if they just let something like that go on and do nothing. He didn't even bother to go check on the kid! Then he realized said girlfriend was probably in trouble and that's all that mattered. Speaking of the girlfriend, the topper on my DNF was her running back to the farm where the killer who had kidnapped her and her family was instead of trying to get any sort of help.

 

I don't care about these characters at all. Except Mike and since he isn't getting help I can't stand to read/listen to more. I don't care about what's coming, if anything is coming because the whole thing has been boring as hell. And long as hell. I actually groaned out loud when I was halfway through because there was still another seven hours left! I tried, but it's not worth my time. I'm super disappointed. I was hoping to have a fun creepy/scary trilogy to get me through the rest of October.

 

ETA: I forgot to mention that the narrator was pretty awful as well. I actually ended up getting used to him eventually, but he was in no way good.

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text 2015-08-18 07:42
Chapter Four — Okay, Walker, who is this book supposed to be about?
If You Know Her - Shiloh Walker,Cris Dukehart

Because in the first three chapters we're tortured with Psycho-POV more than three times longer than the hero and heroine's POVs combined. On top of that, before the story has really started, before we find out more about the heroine even (other than what we know about them from the first two books) we have to suffer through an exceedingly long, excruciatingly explicit rape and murder scene. Why in the name of all that's fucking holy was that necessary?

 

It wasn't. All of it just made me want to flounce this book. I might have if I weren't indisposed at the time. But I made it through the first two books so I want to know if I'm right about who the killer is. Even my hopes the heroine wouldn't be as annoying and bitchy as she was in the last book have been dashed so far. I hope it gets better.  I hate it when books make me all ragey. Especially right off the bat. 

 

 

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review SPOILER ALERT! 2015-08-18 06:10
Necessary Women: The Very Epitome of Why Brain Bleach Should Be Real
Necessary Women and The Mean Time (Short Stories) - Karin Slaughter

That's a lot of angry tags for such a short book. (Just Necessary Women as a stand alone audiobook.) 

 

Damn train wrecky accident. I accidentally hit the "borrow" button when I was looking at this book instead of adding it to my list so I could look into it later. So, because it took up one of my borrow slots for the month I listened to it. It's 20 minutes, what's the worst that could happen? 

 

Welp.

 

Graphic enough incest, cannibalism, and an unsurprisingly fucked in the head little girl. 

[EXTRA SPOILER YOU SHOULD REALLY NOT READ] . . . who murders her mother for having sex with her father because he promised her they weren't anymore and she was his only but she saw her father performing cunnilingus on her mother so little girl cut off her mother's genitals and fed it to her father unbeknownst to him. Now, months after the mother's disappearance father has found another woman—which he tells little girl while she is giving him head—whom little girl wants brought to dinner on Sunday . . .
[told you not to read]

(spoiler show)

 

Enough said.

 

Seriously, fuck everything. I need to take another shower. 

 

 

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