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text 2018-10-15 15:47
I'm more than a fat person

Not book related, but sometimes life isn't all about books. I know, shocker!

 

When I talk about my mental health or chronic pain (etc) I am not whining, complaining or looking for pity. Hey, I know it can sound like whining, but if I don’t write about it, I wouldn’t have a healthy outlet. I’ve got to share this with people, because I know that there are people going through similar and we need to know we are not alone. Invisible conditions have such a stigma.

 

A stigma we should have never had. Why is it so shocking that a person can be ill or in pain, but look "normal" on the outside? What is normal anyway? Why is it just a weight problem when a heavyset person has to use mobile assistance, is in pain all the time and depressed? Believe it or not... fat people are allowed to be treated as more than a fat person. Not every condition is caused by excess weight. I’ve heard horror stories of fat people trying to get help, but sent away because “oh, honey, you just need to lose weight.”

 

I will fully admit that I know my weight doesn't help my problems, but my weight isn't the cause. It is a vicious cycle. Can't move because of pain, more pain because can't move. It is just...I wake up every day… day starts with a migraine. My joints need extra waking up time before I can move around. If you started every day with a migraine, or even a horrible headache, I’m sure that wouldn’t set the mood for a good day!

 

Sure, let me pop in a workout dvd… no, let me crawl under the bed away from sounds and light. Sounds like excuses, huh? It is really not. Then we got my lovely friend executive dysfunction, depression and body parts coming and going whenever they feel like it. Sudden sharp pains, hip, back, knee deciding to “pop” out for a little fun. (Spoiler: not really fun.)

 

Put yourself in my shoes and then ask why don’t I just workout… You try and be active when you are in pain everyday, depressed every day, and you are so much an empath that even hearing about a complete stranger having a bad day could set you off into an emotional mess.

 

I don't want you to feel sorry for me and I am sure a lot of people in similar boats feel the same way, though I can't speak for them. I'm happy if you offer to think about me or pray for me, but whatever you do...don't tell me to try yoga! I actually love yoga, but it isn’t a magical cure for anything. I’m sure it really helps when you can get to the point of actually being able to do it.

 

I’m not stupid. I know any activity is helpful. Tell that to my mind and body.

 

Pro Tip: Other things not to tell someone with invisible conditions

 

1. You don’t look sick [Sorry, I forgot to wear my "I am sick" shirt.]

 

2. You’re too young to be sick [What is the correct age for sickness, so I can tell my problems to hold off until then?]

 

3. Everyone gets tired [Of course, getting tired is normal, but not when it is 24/7]

 

4. You’re just having a bad day [I'm sure tomorrow all my issues will be cleared up! Thanks for your help.]

 

5. It must be nice not having to go to work/school [It is so nice to be in crippling pain... you're right! Lucky me.]

 

6. You need to get more exercise [And my chronic pain and depression will just "poof" away? Why didn't you tell me this sooner!?]

 

7. I wish I had time to take a nap [It isn't all it is cracked up to be when all you do is feel tired or sleep.. I wish I had "time" to do a lot of things, too.]

 

8. Think positive [And I will be fixed? Cool!]

 

9. Just push through it [I do that every day... because I am alive.]

 

10. It will get better, just be patient [How much more patient can a person be? When will it get better? Can you give me an exact date?]

 

11. Have you tried (insert your wacky ideas) [Oh, cool, and that will cure me?]

 

12. You should stop (insert things you judge me for) [So if I stop drinking loads of coffee, eating chocolate and reading children books, I will be fixed?]

 

13. It’s all in your head [WOW! You are SO smart!!]

 

14. You need to get out more [So...weekly trips to Wal-mart isn't enough?]

 

15. You take too many medications [You mean the medication that I need to be alive/gives me relief... okay, I will stop and see what happens!]

 

16. You should go to church [You mean...my cure has been there all along? The witch doctors lied to me! Ooo eee, ooo ah ah! Ting tang, walla walla, bing bang!]

 

Something you could say to a person instead of all these is a simple "I believe you. Is there anything I can do for you right now?"

 

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review 2018-10-11 07:07
We Have Always Lived in the Castle (audiobook) by Shirley Jackson, narrated by Bernadette Dunne
We Have Always Lived in the Castle: Acting Edition - Shirley Jackson

The Blackwood family used to be much bigger, but now there is only 18-year-old Mary Katherine (Merricat), her older sister Constance, their Uncle Julian, and Merricat's cat, Jonas. Merricat is the only Blackwood who ever leaves the house. She does all the grocery shopping and tries her best to act normal and unafraid, but inside she is a seething mass of rage and fear, quietly wishing all the townspeople dead as some of them taunt her. When she is not running errands, she spends all her time playing with Jonas and devising protections for her home that usually involve burying or hanging items around various places on Blackwood land. Meanwhile, Constance cheerfully and patiently cares for her and Uncle Julian, who is unable to walk and who spends his days writing about and obsessing over an event that occurred several years ago. The delicate balance of all their lives is disturbed by the arrival of Charles, Merricat and Constance's cousin and Julian's nephew.

This was a deeply distressing story.

I enjoyed the beginning. The Blackwood family's past was hinted at, and I came up with theories as to what had happened, who was involved, and how they were involved. The pacing didn't always work for me, and the book dragged more than a bit after Charles arrived, primarily because I thought I knew where Jackson was going with the story and I wanted her to finally get on with it.

As it turns out, I was exactly right about what happened to the Blackwood family - it's so easy to guess that I'm not even sure it counts as a spoiler. I was very wrong about where Jackson was planning on going with it all, however. When things finally came to a head, the results were unsettling and utterly horrific.

I don't suppose I liked the pacing after that much better, but it didn't seem to matter as much. I was compelled to find out just how far Jackson would go (thankfully not as far as I feared - I'm not sure I could have taken it). This is only the second work of hers that I've read or listened to, but it's enough to see that she's a master at writing increasingly unsettling heroines. I wouldn't call Merricat likeable, but overall she worked better for me than The Haunting of Hill House's Eleanor. I went from feeling annoyed and frustrated with Merricat and her childishness, to horror at her and Constance's relationship, to nearly crying for the both of them at the end.

By the end of the story, quite a few things are up to the reader's interpretation. Unfortunately, most of the big questions I had were never answered. Like the pacing, this didn't seem to matter as much to me as it should have. I was too raw from listening to Constance and Merricat try to cobble together a new "normal" for themselves to care that I hadn't gotten all the details about the Blackwood family's fate that I'd wanted, or more details about what was going on with Constance.

Bernadette Dunne's narration was great. I enjoyed her voices for all the main characters. The only things that irked me a bit were her voices for the town boys, which sounded cartoonish and contributed to a theory I had (and soon scrapped) that the taunting was all in Merricat's head.

 

Rating Note:

 

I wasn't sure how to rate this. I settled on 4 stars, even though it left me feeling terrible, because of how compelling it was.

 

(Original review posted on A Library Girl's Familiar Diversions.)

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review 2018-09-29 09:38
A List of Typos Made By God by cherie_morte
A List of Typos Made By God - cherie_morte

An excellent wincest fic in which Dean gradually forgets that Sam is his brother.

Source: archiveofourown.org/works/9390269
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text 2018-09-29 07:12
Reading progress update: I've read 385 out of 385 pages.
A Quiet Kind of Thunder - Sara Barnard

Beautiful 

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review 2018-09-18 20:05
A year later...
Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things - Jenny Lawson

So according to BL, I started reading this December 16, 2017. That means it took me 9 months to finish this wonderful book. Since Jenny Lawson discusses her struggle with depression and anxiety disorders at length (in the best, funniest way possible) I had to take several long breaks when my anxiety and depression were not putting me in the right head space to enjoy reading it. But really, this book is hilarious and just what I needed during these past two weeks of total chaos in my life. 

 

I am not exaggerating when I say my "vacation" was surrounded with nothing but Murphy's law. Car accident, cancelled concerts, delayed flights, stomach flu, etc, etc. All unrelated to this review, but whatever, I'll do what I want. Furiously Happy does remind us to laugh at the absurdity of our lives and most of all, to remember that the lows eventually get better. 

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