Once again Nicky James tackles a very serious mental condition and does so with such thoughtfulness, such care and with love.

Not everything in life is easy, you know. It’s the people who risk facing the hard stuff and the scary stuff every day who come out stronger in the end.

And while this is a quote from the book, this could certainly apply to the author as well.  She does not shy away from difficult stories.  From stories of loss, mental health and death.  She tackles these head on and with such love. And it is these stories which grab hold of your heart and soul and that ultimately become some of the most memorable reads for me.  

This is one of those stories.  The ability to get into the head of our sweet Huxley could not have been easy to write but my heavens...I felt it all.  Every fear, every doubt.  And to not only write about this character's condition but to develop an equally complex character in Aspen whose patience, love and understanding leads this character home could not have been easy.  And where they ultimately found home was just perfection.

This is quite a long book and one that builds quite beautifully.  Trust is not something that comes easily and therefore it takes time.  

Not all people are out to get you, Huxley. Some people just want to be nice. 

How do you build trust with someone who doubts your every move? Who reads things into statements differently and has fears you cannot begin to understand?  

That definitely takes patience and time.

This book is that exploration. It is that journey of trust which is told here.  And while your heart breaks, you understand the journey is not an easy one. Mental health is not easy.  You cannot simply take a pill and make things better.  Mental health affects the person and those around them in such a special way.  And living with this falls on both parties. 

Trust. Love. Understanding. Patience.

I cannot recommend this book and others by Nicky James enough.  Open your heart to some feels you will not soon forget.

**Spoiler Free Series Review**

As I sit here at my kitchen counter trying to decide what the fuck to say about this series I decide to scroll into Amazon for a look around.  In doing so, I see authors like David Baldacci, Ayn Rand, and of course, Tom Clancy.  And I wonder, what the hell?  Why isn’t this series at the top? 

I suppose if you think about it, becoming the next John Grisham is about like becoming the next Beyonce or the next Leonardo DiCaprio.  There are thousands if not millions of talented people in this world.  And those that make it big just happen to win the lottery.  They make that one connection that leads them to the next big thing.    

Last year I completed my read of the Red Rising series by Pierce Brown.  The first book in this series was written in a matter of months by an unknown 25 year old author in a room over his parent’s garage.  And while this brilliant series got over 120 rejections, once it was picked up, it became a NY Times best seller and is soon to be made into a motion picture.  I love this series and if you have not picked it up…do it.  It is truly unbelievable and like Tal’s series, I was a mess of emotions throughout the entire third book.  So what is it that makes one author a household name?

Part of it no doubt is luck of the draw, and part of it I have to believe is getting recognized by that one person that can make a difference.  A YouTube video goes viral. Why?  There are millions out there with very few hits and it is that one in a million that spreads like wildfire.  And I want this series by Tal Bauer to spread like wildfire...

Because I want everyone to read this…I want everyone to know the brilliance that is created here and to see what I see.  See the magic that forms on the page and experience the heart stopping moments I did.  To be left in such a state they can barely go on.

Because dammit…EVERYONE should look like this when they are at work!!!

And I am not going to lie...several times over the last few weeks we (thanks to my fellow buddy-reader, Marco) seriously contemplated that Tom Clancy had not died at all but just became the author we know as Tal Bauer. I have no idea if Tal even likes Clancy’s work and honestly I have only read one.  But dammit…Clancy was a brilliant storyteller and his accolades included such statements as the following:

"He constantly taps the current world situation for its imminent dangers and spins them into an engrossing tale." —The New York Times Book Review

"Heart-stopping action. . . entertaining and eminently topical." —The Washington Post

"Brilliant" —Newsweek

"Highly entertaining" —The Wall Street Journal

And every single one of these comments could equally be attributed to Tal Bauer’s series.  EVERY SINGLE ONE.  

The Executive Order series is absolutely mesmerizing and the amount of research that went into developing this series is quite remarkable.  Tal weaved a tale so applicable to today’s political situation that it was quite scary at times.  And yet the story told here was so completely different.  From LGBT rights, the Presidency, ties to Russia, to moles and spies infiltrating our political system, to even such things as cloning and the modernization of Islam.  And while I would probably characterize this first and foremost as a political and military drama, the romance is so well done and heartbreakingly accurate that the love between these characters just melds into this story beautifully.  We all hope and strive for inclusion, for a world when it doesn’t matter who we love.  To look upon a person in love and see that their life is full because of this other person.  To accept that love, to encourage that love and to help that love succeed is something we as humans should cherish and want to see.  And as the series progresses, the friendships that are formed and forged are strong because of love.  Love binds us all.   

While the entire series is captivating with situations that leave you catching your breath and constantly on guard wondering who will stab you in the back next…nothing beats this third installment. I swear I was a mess for the better part of this book and left staggering around looking for a place to lie down between chapters.  Fucking hell man. 

Yeah…I might have fangirled a bit here with my thoughts and honestly this review may make absolutely zero sense.  I posted really nothing about this story, these characters and posted no quotes…because you just need to read it!!! 

And if you finish this series and don’t honestly wish that you could elect Jack Spiers right now, then that is really unfortunate because you have clearly missed the reasons why.  I would be so damn proud to call Jack Spiers MY President of the United States.  Maybe one day.

As a side note, I am also making my way through the free bytes on Tal Bauer’s website and what a treat these are.  That there is hope for future installments makes me extremely happy.  Much love for all of these beautiful characters and a special shout out to Captain Anderson…gaaahhh I loved this man too and desperately want a snip-it of him post Enemy Within. : )

My boys… 

And Tal…thank you for this unbelievable ride and for a series that lands on my 6 star shelf.  Cheers to you!

And a special thanks to Elsbeth and Marco...what an amazing BR this one has been.

I got nothing else at this point. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

See my full series review here.

It has been nearly a week since I finished this one and to say that I may have had a meltdown during the first 30% of this book would be putting things rather mild.

I was destroyed.  And not so much about what did or did not happen but what it did to these men. I am tearing up just writing this...even now a week later.

The love between these two men is so strong and yet they fail to realize at times that they physically cannot live without the other.  So damage and destruction they attempt and when they fall apart...I fall apart.

...it was this last confession that undid him. As the words eased out on the exquisite delight of Nikolas once more pulling out and then opening him up and entering again, Ben’s throat seized up, a deep sob emerged, and before he could stop himself, he flung his arms across his face for privacy, and the pleasure was buried under a desolate confusion at who he was.

Nikolas faltered. Ben felt him withdraw, but then he took him in another way. Nikolas’s arms came around him, dragging him into a tight spoon, just holding him as the humiliating sobs wracked his body. He didn’t even know what he was crying for. Once he’d started, he was distraught for that—for the fact that he was so unlike himself, so unmanned by everything in his life that he didn’t know who he had become any more.

It was only when he heard an agonised whisper, “Please don’t, Ben, you’re killing me,” that he turned, forcing himself to calmness, to find Nikolas’s stressed and worn face creased with anguish.

***

Nikolas turned his gaze back from the darkness in the courtyard, which he’d been studying with such intense concentration, and Ben saw the tracks of tears on his cheeks.

It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Nikolas cry. But in over ten years, he could count the number of times on the fingers of one hand. He rose swiftly and embraced him, wrapping his arms around Nikolas’s battered head tightly, pressing it to his shirt. He pushed his own face into the greying blond hair, and with the familiar smell of vanilla and coconut, he came home.

Fucking hell.  Just kill me now.

Now having said all that, I will say this is likely one of my favorite in the series so far. Nik continues to puzzle me at times and it is hard to totally put your hands on what all makes up this man and ultimately I have decided that this is the point.  Because at times even Ben is puzzled as well.  And even with that said, no matter what...you love him.  Ben loves him and will continue to do whatever has to be done for his Nik.

“You are not alone, Nikolas. Never. I’m right here with you, if this is how it has to be. I will kill the whole fucking world for you, if that is what you need.” Ben shook him. “Do you understand me?”

And yes, I am officially in tears wrting this review.  

Life wasn’t sunlit uplands and glass houses, vast wealth and running around with your pretty boyfriend in the expensive toys he bought you.

Life was wearing armour too heavy to bear and carrying weapons too eager to be used.

Life was learning to swim hard and fast and keep your head above the shit.

Life was having someone alongside you in every single manoeuvre, every fall, every painful rise again, and knowing that, win or lose, the war was never fought alone.

Damn.

I guess being destroyed means I love this book and this couple. I eagerly await more.

“If you were dead, I would not have this exquisite pain of loving you too much."

I'm speechless.