But I don't think I'm going to try explain the convoluted non-logic behind this choice, at least not while I'm this tired. Not fully.
I'm also curious to see if this will help, and I don't think I want to explain it all before I know. If it doesn't, then I'll be stuck with this horrible devastation, and nowhere to put it. It does explain some things, like a certain obsession of mine. (The most obvious one is Robocop and not what I'm talking about, although I believe I have mentioned this particular boy.) It explains why I wasn't able to finish a reread.
I've been grieving for, what, a year now? And I didn't realize it, but I saw this book cover and there was a lump in my throat. It won't do anything to bring him back, not in the continuity where I most want him to be alive. He's not real.
And yet I've been grieving for him as if he were, I've been sick to my stomach, I've been in a great deal of pain. And maybe this will give me some sense of closure by going back, accepting what I was in for in the first place, and then processing that book again.
I'm going to try it. If it works, I'll consider talking about the whole process. If not... I don't know, guys, because this is hitting me hard.