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text 2016-12-26 14:46
This is my holiday present to you all...
The mistery of lost planet - Igor Piksaykin

Since my 'mock the really horrible books' reviews are so popular, I'll read as much crap as I can until the next year.   (And some comics because I have to stay on top of that TBR list!   Also, I'd like to keep somewhat sane, thank you very much!)


Today, I bring to you either the mistery or mystery of the lost planet.  The cover claims mistery, and inside, it's titled: "The mystery of the Lost Planet."


It's pretty bad regardless.   The best thing to come out of this is I can now yell this at the fog: "Oh, no, it's the MISTery!"   Only I'll get it, but I'll giggle like crazy.   This will be funny to me for years.   


Let's investigate this planet:


"Alan and Eva hour back down on an uninhibited planet."


Hour.   Are.   Same thing, right?


"At the greenish gray sky shone aquamarine sun, under which the purple grass pastures grazed glots."


Y'know, as horrible as this sentence was, I kinda got it.   I basically understood it - until that last word.


"His instinct, they had a strong enough."


Instinct should be will here?   I dunno anymore.   


"Swallowing could hear the buzzing of the flies a kilometer away."   


So far, we've only met Alan and Eva, and they don't really come into play at all.  So I'm assuming Swallowing is a third character we will never hear about again, because that seems likely in this story.


"Who and how to combine them so could such consistent body which energy force another world?"


That question mark is appropriate because I'm so, so confused. 


"Shot it gorgeous laser beams, one shot is enough to demolish five-story building."


Gorgeous and destructive.  Those laser beams have got it all going on!  I feel like gorgeous is incredibly out of place in this sentence. 


"The researchers were also sets of chemicals for artificial creation of the water, as well as three non-large size nuclear installations designed for 50 years of continuous operation successfully replace electricity generators."


So, the researchers are: researchers, sets of chemicals, and small nuclear installations.   That's a lot of things to be at once.   That sentence goes on for way too long.   And becomes word salad towards the end.  Finally, why wouldn't you use small or medium instead of 'non-large' which is far less specific?


"Will the survivor, as the sun went out a group of earthlings, to survive in it, or will they have to seek refuse in other worlds."


I'd think on other worlds would be more comfortable. 


"Spread a bed on a semblance clamshell Eve immediately fell asleep soundly."


Sleeping on a semblance of a clamshell seems as uncomfortable as living in another world.


"hair and nail growth stopped completely, and the necessary oxygen content provided on-board the spacecraft computer, whose task, was not only to provide auto piloting of th ship after exiting hyperspace, but continuously take readings of the parameters of vital cryogenic camera functions and increase or decrease the flow of essential elements   ."


Yes, the h at the beginning is not capitalized and the space between the s and the period at the end is there in the text.   Also, this sentence proves that you can drone on and on and make less sense than in your shorter sentences. 


"The glow was caused by a large amount of natural satellites Dong."


All I can see if large, penis shaped satellites.   Or satellites with dildos. 



Oh, the planet's name is Donga - still seeing dicks - and you mean Donga's natural satellites. 


"They opened my eyes to see the horrific picture."


So, I can't be one hundred percent sure, but I think this has all been in third person.   Also, I see someone prying eyes open ala Clockwork Orange.  



"...the car space..."


So far there's only been mention of shuttles and space ships.   Wouldn't a car space be impractical?


"Alan lighting put on a space suit, and helped to put on Eve, then quickly shot off brackets, and a shuttle to the settlers for cutting vertically soared into orbit Dong to take the Final decision on the continuation of the mission or its completion."

He put on the space suit, then Eve?   Wouldn't putting on Eve, then the space suit be more logical?   Why's he putting on Eve?   So much mystery!  Also, I guess it's Eve, not Eva?


"They met their intelligent robot Pills..."


Why did they make robots who were pills?   Couldn't they have programmed chill robots?   


"Cybernetic organism spoke excellent English and know the most popular to solar collapse 100 languages, which he downloaded periodically by connecting via onto fiber system of high-speed internet in the world j-pong."


Which is why they never speak because nothing here is written in excellent English.   


And no, I have no fucking clue what a j-pong is.   It never gets mentioned again, much like poor Swallowing, or the first person narrator who never shows up again. 


"..and there were about 100.  More specifically 97."


Why wouldn't you just tell us 97 at first if you knew the exact amount?


"It is possible that their builders simply something dokrutili, because they were going at a time when it was the main robotic workshops have already been energized due to the fact that the reserves of energy remaining after the extinction of the main luminaries of our galaxy."


Nope, no clue, guys.   Just none.

"Suddenly the ship was torn to pieces."


I CAN UNDERSTAND IT!!!!   It's anticlimactic as hell, but I understood what would happen.


The last sentence is, "The Mission had failed."


I'm pretty disappointed by that ending, but also just relieved it's over, so.... Yeah, more relieved.      And yet, I laughed so much reading this, I also went looking for something that rivaled this for incompressibility and it's just not easy to search for on Amazon.


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text 2015-11-02 12:40
The first misadventure.
The Chicken Squad: The First Misadventure - Doreen Cronin

The chicken squad #1

by Doreen Cronin

Illustrated by Kevin Cornell


These chicks are something! Dirt, Sweetie, Poppy and Sugar love to solve mysteries. This time is not the exception. When Tail, the squirrel, comes asking for help, he knows he is in the right place. Unfortunately he is not really good at providing clues about what he saw. Big and scary? Not really helpful. Enormous and frightening? Still useless... This lack of progress would have discouraged anyone, but not the chicken squad.

We loved this book. We loved it because the story is hilarious. We loved it because the characters are funny and adorable. I personally loved it because I totally related to J. J. Tully, the dog, who has the hard work of keeping an eye on these active, unpredictable chicks!


Age range: 6 to 10 years old. (My 6 years old son enjoyed this story that was read aloud to him. He didn't read it by himself)

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review 2015-04-18 21:01
La fabbrica delle meraviglie - SHARON CAMERON



Avete presente quando ci si allena per correre una maratona?
Si comincia camminando, piano, per riscaldare i muscoli. Poi, a poco a poco, si aumenta il ritmo per arrivare, infine, a correre veloce.
Ecco, è la stessa sensazione che ho avuto io mentre leggevo questo libro.
L'inizio è stato scoraggiante, piuttosto lento. Un ritmo "rilassato" per molte pagine...forse quasi per metà libro. Poi le cose iniziano a farsi serie e allora sì, si corre!

La scrittura... ecco, io ho iniziato a leggere questo libro con l'idea che fosse uno young adult (cosa vera, per altro) ma la scrittura è decisamente più seria di quello che mi sarei aspettata. Non che sia di difficile lettura, nient'affatto, ma non è esattamente il modo di scrivere familiare che si trova solitamente nei libri per adolescenti.
La scrittura rispecchia forse di più il periodo in cui la storia prende vita piuttosto che il pubblico per la quale è stata scritta.

I personaggi sono molto ben caratterizzati.
La nostra protagonista, Katharine, inizialmente snob e distaccata, si trova ben presto a dover cambiare atteggiamento per sopravvivere ai misteri della famiglia Tulman.
L'antipatica e venale zia Alice, la cui unica preoccupazione è quella di togliere al fratello "Tully" ogni singolo centesimo per poter assicurare al figlio (Robert il grasso) ogni agio quando sarà adulto.
Lo zio Tully è un personaggio unico, difficilmente si trovano personaggi autistici... soprattutto in una storia per ragazzi. Impossibile non volergli bene!
Lane, la Signora Jefferies e Ben Aldrige sono tre personaggi che vi sorprenderanno molto nello svolgimento della storia, in positivo ma anche in negativo ;)
Il piccolo Davy con il coniglietto Bertram, saranno una costante in tutto il libro e avranno un ruolo importante.
E, per finire, l'esilarante Mary Brown, la cameriera personale di Katharine xD

Per quanto riguarda la trama posso dire che, superato l'impatto iniziale, dalla metà del libro ogni cosa comincia a prendere forma e a trovare il proprio posto nel puzzle.
I misteri non vengono svelati tutti e alcune questioni rimangono sospese in attesa del secondo volume, ma rimarrete piacevolmente colpiti dal finale nient'affatto prevedibile!! ;)

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review 2014-11-09 23:36
Come Alive by Karina Halle
Come Alive - Karina Halle

4 stars


I have to say, I wasn't expecting to be bored in the slightest while reading a EIT book. Ever.


However, I had a bit of a rough start with "Come Alive". It was nothing but sex and Dex being freakishly sentimental for about 25% of the story.


Until New Orleans.


In the other books, I longed for more romance. I craved it over the central mystery.


But in "Come Alive", I wanted nothing more than to be swept away by the horror.


And once it got really interesting, I was glued to the screen. I literally couldn't move. I read non-stop. Those last 30% put a spell on me and wouldn't let go. I only tore my eyes away for brief instants as I glanced around the room, looking for the looming, cold presence I thought I sensed behind my back.



Dex and Perry are (finally) together. And in full-on honeymoon phase. Which got annoying after a while, especially since Dex was acting like a horny bastard and Perry was just too damn insecure and shy.



I needed a distraction. They needed a distraction. And fast.


And that's when Maximus came into the picture. He made for a few good laughs as the inevitable pissing contest took place between him and Dex. But he also came accompanied by an ultimatum: either Dex and Perry accept him as his manager and newest member of the team, or Jimmy will cancel their show.


So, the fantastic threesome heads on to the voodoo city, hoping to film a haunted house damaged by Katrina and leave with some decent footage to present to their boss. The thing is, the city has been under attack from creatures similar to zombies, seemingly created and controlled by evil voodoo priestesses. And, obviously, they can't stay away.


I'll give you a fair warning: if you think that Perry and Dex are completely in sync already and that the angst is gone, you'll be surprised. And I mean mind-blown. As I was. Damn, the feels.



And Maximus. I totally saw that one coming, ginger balls.



I think I have forgiven him at last. He actually turned out to be a decent person during this installment. I wasn't expecting it, but I warmed up to him.


So, if you're ready for the inevitable heebie jeebies and emotion-overload that come with EIT, then by all means, read it!

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review 2014-10-16 16:17
Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn

4 stars


This was a great book!



The first half was slow. It was a gradual unraveling of marital secrets, of a carefree past, followed by a lasting period of fighting and general apathy between the main couple. This story is told both from Amy's point of view (through her diary), and Nick's.



Amy Elliott Dunne has suddenly gone missing without a trace on her fifth wedding anniversary, leaving behind clear signs of a struggle. Her husband, Lance Nicholas Dunne, is under the spotlight from the very beginning, his inability to deal with strong emotions being a permanently weakening factor in his image.



Followed everywhere by false friends who won't hesitate to turn on him should the public opinion condemn him completely, and the starving media, Nick struggles to prove his innocence. to the police. Harassed and guilt-ridden, yet claiming to be innocent, Nick is entrapped by a constant surge of new evidence implicating him in Amy's murder. Evidence consisting of credit cards he never utilized, objects he didn't buy, which are however full of his prints on them. But with no body, Nick can't be declared guilty without further proof.



This leads us to part two of this masterful plot. I am sure you believe you know your way around twists. I did too. But I never saw this one coming. It came in like a wrecking ball, to quote inspiring young lady Miley Cyrus (not).



After reading a whole 50% of this novel, I believed I knew the entirety of the facts. Boy, was I wrong. Your huge wall of previously acquired certainties will come crashing down on you. Hard. Your character loyalties will most likely change.


This last part was, for me, what made this book memorable. I admire Gillian Flynn for tricking me into believing every single fact she threw at me (through her characters' point of view). I'd like to think I'll never make that same mistake ever again, yet I probably will. I am gullible when it comes to books. I guess I just don't have my lie-detector on if I'm reading fiction. (What would be the point?) I like being played by authors. It just makes me like them more!


I have absolutely no regrets about reading this. The second half certainly made up for the slightly more boring first part.


Now onto the film! Dazzle me, David Fincher!


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